Time to get better.

I know it's been a while since my last post, and I'm afraid this one is a little more serious than most.
I have always been completely against people posting too much information about their lives on these kind of things and generally have never felt the need to let people in. But I guess if it allows others to get their feelings across, maybe it could help me. I am extremely hesitant about doing this and unraveling myself for the world to see, but writing is one of the things I love to do most...and perhaps if it so happens to fall into the right hands, it could help others too. Let me make it clear, that I am not after sympathy. This is all coming from someone who keeps things to themselves. Who finds it hard to talk about thoughts and feelings. This is coming from someone who finds it a struggle talking to those closest to me. This is to simply help. I made a promise that I would accept who I am and not to be ashamed of anything. I made a promise that I would not allow anything or anyone to bring me down. I've never wanted to talk about it, but I know I must not hide from the world because...hiding never helps. I know alot of you will think - 'well what the hell is she doing posting all this on here for'. But that is my decision. If you don't like it, don't read it. This is part of me accepting who I am for the first time and if it doesn't float your boat - it's no skin off my nose!

The past few years have been ones full of ups & downs. Not just the kind of 'ups and downs' everyone can see either. Ups and downs personal to me. Ups and downs that can often be mistaken for just being 'moody'.Ups and downs from one extreme to the other, but always trying to be hidden from the rest of the world. I used to think it was just part of my personality. It soon became clear it was something out of my control. It was something I couldn't keep to myself any longer. It had an effect on everything. Although, sometimes things would seem normal - calm even, it was only a matter of time before another whirlwind would start. Sometimes I would go for months, feeling just fine. Then suddenly, there it is again. Up, then down.

I've lost count of the amount of times I've sat in waiting rooms. Sat there, struggling to figure out what to say. Struggling not to cry and think so little of myself. Struggling not to think I'm a freak. I've lost count of the amount of times I've had sweaty palms sat in an unfamiliar room and been offered a tissue to dry my tears.

But now, finally - it's being sorted. It's taken a while to get on the right track but things are now moving in the right direction. I don't like using the word. The medical term. Before, I just used to associate it with an annoying blonde television personality who used to be in a girl band & then moved her career forward to Iceland adverts. But like my mother says, many famous creative people have 'it' and it's nothing to be ashamed of.

I don't think I am ashamed. I am just frustrated. I'm frustrated it has to impact my life. I'm frustrated it takes it's toll on those I care most about in the world. It's not just me who suffers, it's those who have to pick up the pieces and put me back together again that really suffer. I'm learning to let people in and I'm learning to talk. I cannot thank those enough who love me unconditionally.

This week has been so hard...and as much as I try to 'put on a brave face' - I cannot deny how tough it has been.

In the space of a few days, yet again - everything's turned upside down (in my head anyway). I wish I could click my fingers and everything would go back to how it was. But things aren't that easy. Steps have to be made in order for things to get better, even if it feels like you're taking a step back. I know I am in the right place to be looked after and loved by my wonderful family. But, I really was doing so well. I am not defeated. I will not let this beat me and as much as I feel like crawling under a rock right now, I will get stronger and I will get better.

x

Friday morning babble.

Carrying on from my previous post, I have more things that make me an emotional idiot;

21. Missing cat posters
22. People eating alone in a restaurants
23. Old people blowing their noses
24. Old people cleaning their glasses
25. People tapping on fish tanks
26. The Queen-Mother R.I.P
27. Old people who fall over on the bus before finding a seat, because the driver is an inconsiderate twat.
28. Guide dogs
29. Children who forget their lines in school assemblies.
30. Old people wearing rain cap hat things.

Think I'll leave it there for now.

So, I've just made myself a cup of tea - and I find it really strange how I don't like my own brew!
Does anyone else have magical powers when it comes to the tasty hot beverage? Because I swear, if you put 5 different cups of tea in front of me, made by people I know - I would be able to tell you who made which one! I guess it does all come down to the teabag used - this plays a major role in getting the perfect cuppa. But still, it's all in the dedication. For example this is what I'll get;

Mum's tea - Stewed (but not enough), milky, good amount of sugar.

Stepdad's tea - Slighty stewed (half-hearted because he can't be bothered), not enough milk, fair amount of sugar. NEVER FILLED TO THE TOP.

Sister's tea - Never stewed (she uses the IN AND OUT approach), slopped in milk but shit loads of sugar (which gives her brownie points.)

Grandma's tea - Stewed, dash of milk, never enough sugar (because she refuses to feed my need for sweetness) ALWAYS BURNS MY MOUTH.

Nan's tea - Same as above, but much more drinkable - she must buy good teabags.

Rob's tea - Very stewed but with lots of milk and the perfect amounts of sugar. - Rob wins.

I am the Queen of tea-tasting, it's an undeniable fact.



SO! I haven't shaved my legs for about two weeks. But I figured, winter is here now - so it's more insulation.   I can just never be bothered. I'm not one of these girls who strive for perfection. I have days where I wish I was prettier, skinnier, taller and didn't resemble a pale skinned Ompa Lumpa - but which girl doesn't have these days (minus the ompa lumpa thing). What I mean is, I don't go out of my way to be more 'girl-like'.

I've been to a nail salon once, after being told I needed to relax and look after myself. I chose a bright metallic blue to be painted on my bitten to high heaven nails! It was a weird experience. I sat there giggling about how much it tickled, whilst being laughed at and filmed by my step-mum and sisters! I have a very over-expressive face and am pretty sure I looked like a NOB HEAD whilst sat with my hands under some dryer thing. To be fair, I was impressed with my nails and since then I make the effort to paint them at home. Which is actually pretty relaxing if I don't fuck it up. (Excuse my language family)

I have never had a sun-bed or spray tan (except my mother's make-shift ones in her bedroom). I find the idea of getting pretty much naked infront of a stranger highly nerve-wracking and would be scared of them judging my wobbly bits. LOL.

I hardly ever use 'do it yourself' fake tan. I do however use leg makeup - so on a night out, I don't look like corn beef that's been in a battle. I've always been clumsy and bruise easily. So I'd rather use that than look like a 5 year old child who has fallen over on the playground too many times.
Fake tan (unless you do it right) makes you look like a walking orange that smells like biscuits. Hats off to those who pull it off. But to those who have stained hands and streaky legs...you look like a bell end. Sort it out.

I don't where hair extensions and only straighten it if I'm having a straight hair day. I don't think I'd pull off the 'Oh look I'm wearing extensions which you can clearly see are strapped to my head' look too well.

I don't stick to a daily skin care routine. I rarely remember to brush my teeth at night - so the thought of spending half an hour cleansing, toning and moisturising doesn't turn me on. I wipe my face to death with makeup wipes and then I'm done. I probably should buy all these over-priced beauty products to help with the spots that won't piss off on my face, but sometimes, I just really can't be arsed. Don't get me wrong, I'm a clean person and do use face wash.

If I am having a super good day where life is brilliant and all is well in the brain of Crisi - I will buff and slap crap loads of lotion on myself. This is rare.

Plucking my eyebrows only occurs when it is most needed and waxing gives me nightmares.

Over and out! x