Stand tall.

Hi world,

APOLOGIES FOR MISTAKES - I am dozy as hell.

I'm writing this from the comfort of bed with that 'I've just shaved my legs & moisturised' feel going on against the duvet. It's beautiful - of course, it's not a rare occasion. I am a goddess of all things beauty & pampering..... ehem.
I've had a mixed few weeks & today I received some more results from blood tests. Turns out it's probably my medication that's making me unwell & not certain foods. I am aware I have a small stomach & still have to eat little & often to control my tummy turns & bowel problems (NICE).... but I have mixed reactions to the results.  Of course, without a doubt it's going to be much easier going back to eating 'allowed' food and especially better for my lovely parents who have been forking out to buy me the 'free from' ranges of absolute crap. Don't get me wrong, cutting out things from my diet helped - as it would anyone... but I was still left with hideous things happening! It's just now, I have the matter of having to tell my psychiatrist (who I am still slowly warming to) that it really is the medications making me feel like complete shit. Apparently it's common... apparently I am suppose to be thankful that mentally I am mending myself & to put up with the physical sickness. Similar to those of us having problems with weight gain. Yes, I would rather a healthier brain - but when you have severe self image issues putting up tents & camping through your body - its very hard to be happy about putting on the pounds - darn these stupid orange & pink pills. I know lots of people have the same problem.
So we'll see what happens medication wise.

I had a bit of breakdown whilst showering the other day. My hair was coming out by the handful. I grabbed my towel and ran out sobbing to my mum, who comforted me as always. She told me it was 'malting season' and reassured me that her hair comes out too.I just know it's another massive side effect of my pretty coloured crazy pills. Luckily my mother blessed me with thick hair!

On to lighter, fluffier & yummier things. The baking is back!!
It was on my goals list to get creative with all things scrumptious. SO here they are... let me introduce you to;

Chocolate Indulgence Cupcakes

and

  Wonderful Whoop Ass Whoopie Pies

You could say I am possibly a genius in the kitchen! I really love it too. I urge anyone with a brain like mine, or even anyone who just wants to find peace of mind for a while to preheat their ovens & get cracking the eggs. Not only does it settle the storms raging within me but it gives me a sense of worth...knowing I am doing something worthwhile & for other people to enjoy.

So, I have now (under the instruction of my psych) started a proper mood diary & 'trap' chart. Below is a picture! The piece of paper on top is the quick example the p.doc drew for me!

I will be monitoring my moods using these seven headings..

1.Mood

2.Event

3.Change in mood

4.How I dealt with it

5.Short term effect

6.Long term effect

7.Alternation

We will be looking for patterns & ways of overcoming triggers! I will gradually learn how to handle certain situations by familiarising myself with alternations and gradually adjusting the way my brain works. Apparently this can be overwhelming, but my life is slowly and surely getting it's sunshine back -  so bring it on! :)

People who I know personally have already seen this but I wanted to share my latest tattoo with all my awesome followers & readers. This is number 7 and I love it. Giraffes are my most favourite animal in the world & the message behind it means alot to me during this time!

I'm already wanting tattoo number 8 - to the excitment of my poor grandmother. 

So, I am still massively into my photography & I have taken on a brand spanking new project. Unpaid & simply for me. To keep me sane HAHA. I am not going let anyone in on it...just yet! But I have been massively influenced by one of the greats & have already given it all my focus...pardon the pun. 

I am aware I am whipping through these events like a tramp on a sandwich. I am pretty tired & my brain is wandering elsewhere. These past few days have been beautiful in the sun & I have been away from home staying with the bestie. It's kept my mind much more active & it's incredibly lovely acting like a silly child with someone all day. Tonight we went for an evening walk to the shop and bought a shit load of pick'n'mix. It's been sat in the shop for years & tastes like decorations that sit in the loft and come out once a year..but we can handle it.

This part always scares me where I post youtube videos. Another goal was to dust of the guitar and tune my pipes again... so I gave it a go. Please excuse the 'ropyness' of both aspects. Also probably best to listen with head phones...so you can actually pick up the guitar! :) If you are reading from a mobile device...the videos may not show!

I wish you all peaceful nights & restful days :)

Stand tall.

x

Will you be there?

I haven't sat down to write in over a month. I'm not sure I'll even be able to babble something out now.
Things are strange. I don't know how to describe it. My creativity and ability to write is still banished to a far & forgotten land. I don't know how I let it happen...and I don't know when it's coming back. I'm still putting it down to my dosage of Depakote, because even when my brain has been led down the road to the craziest of places - I have still been able to write. Bursts of energy or typed up thunderstorms - I've been able to do it. But my lack of everything is obvious. I am distracted by everything. I am slow and yet fidgeting at once. My brain will not occupy itself happily for too long. Success, however, has been achieved in the fact that I picked up and have been playing my old friend again. After endless times of this being my main goal when walking out the mental health clinic.... I have finally put a big fat tick next to it! My guitar. The strings that saw me through some of my first experiences of 'crazy' places. The familiar sound I played back when my life started changing. I am happy to say - I am enjoying it. Obviously - my playing skills aren't quite up to scratch, but hopefully I won't let this one go again. It proves, slowly and surely, step by step - things can change. I hope they do for you too.
So, a fair few things have been happening. Not all I can remember - because my heads all over the place in it's usual Crisi 'who the hell am I' bubble...
I received some pretty shocking news not long ago (which I won't go into detail about) but it shook me up... as shocking news often does. I spent a good few hours sat staring blankly into space, then appeared my usual cleaning routine. Out came the pledge, toilet cleaner & various other products that should be banned from my reach. A couple of years ago, I was literally forbidden from cleaning. Humorous eh? When I had my own home, I was most definitely out of control. I am pleased to say - I recovered from the intensity, but still sometimes slip back into old ways. Especially under such stressful circumstances. So after an awesome, 'walking round the house with the hoover workout', I blanked everything from my mind. I stopped crying.
A few days later, my body became fueled by anger. Still, the tears remained within. This being something different to the news from earlier in the week. My soul felt belittled, damaged and wrath- ridden. My body felt tense and uneasy. I started applying for job after job and my nights, once again, became sleepless. We all know I'm not ready to work & this was confirmed again a few days ago by my Psychiatrist (who I am slowly beginning to like - GIGANTIC HURRAH.) I don't know what possessed me to start applying - a sudden rush I guess. I want to be doing so much! I lay here at nights, eyes wide open, imagining I'm running away! I see my life with the fast forward button being pressed firmly down by a massive god-like hand. I want to do everything and see everything in one night.

I guess for now, I'll have to stick to my volunteering & keep my racing thoughts at bay.

After the come-down from my anger, I took the time to thank my loyal & most incredible friends for standing by my side. The angels of my world who allow me to be myself, but never judge and always understand. The people who can simply just send a short text to let me know I am being thought of. The people who know that on the surface things may seem normal, but within the depths of this illness, I am still needing my friends more than ever. They are the heroes of my story. The remarkable people who are able to accept my silences and then welcome me back fondly upon my return to the normal world - no questions asked. The ones who have held me during my outbursts & my turbulence. The ones who calm my energy when I need to be cleansed. The saying is true, as simple as it may be....it's during times like this..you find out who your true friends are. And though sometimes we feel so terribly lonely. So awfully disgusting and frightfully incapable of having friends. We feel we are unable to trust .We distance ourselves so much from life during the brain-testing times we forget we are loved. And we are. Believe it. Your stars will shine through. Maybe not now, but someday...they will. And if someone you know is suffering from a mental health illness - make their day... ask them how they are. Don't be afraid. We don't bite! Only sometimes ;)

I know this post seems pitiful - having written so little after a month of not writing... but I'm afraid I'm just not feeling it. Atleast I can tick it off my target list this week - along with playing the guitar. All in all my therapy with the Psych is going well & soon I will be receiving my outside treatment.  I now have a new social worker, who is very lovely - but of course I am missing the wonderful Lauren who I truly believe I wouldn't be as well as I am if it wasn't for her.

I am hoping all my followers & readers are keeping well. Sending all my love, keep your heads held high.

Crisi

x

The words to this song mean so very much to me...