Exactly six months on!

Today I decided it was about time to sit down and type. I then realised it had been exactly six months to the date since I last put up a post. So after months of contemplating an update, it seems today would be the perfect time. Of course, so much has happened and I am almost certain I do not know where to begin... so please excuse my crazy ramblings if I stray!
Let me start by saying I have just got back from beautiful St. Ives in Cornwall and I am truly feeling at peace with myself. Who knows how long it will last but something inside this boggled head of mine has changed. I have been refreshed by nostalgic cobbled streets, seaside antics and sunsets that make your hairs stand on end. As I relived my childhood exploring rock pools, having my hair braided in coloured cotton and battling with the pesky seagulls in hope of keeping my Cornish chocolate icecream cone within grip... all my cares flew away with the fresh sea breeze. I sat quietly upon a rock with my unbrushed hair, sun kissed skin and woven bracelets bought that day creeping up my arm. I listened to the waves carefully crash against the shore and took in the sights that gracefully lay before me. It was in this moment that my head and heart let go of all the troubles I had once faced. I smiled, uncontrollably. Life was good. For every memory I used to call a failure, I looked back on and my smile remained. I hadn't failed. I had been living my life exactly how I wanted at the time. I was living for the day. Grabbing life by the balls and going for it. Yes, I'll admit quite often the word 'consequence' did not appear in the Crisi dictionary and some of my quick impulsive actions led my brain down little dark paths. But for every time a black cloud hovered over my world, there were always incredibly awesome times too...and it finally sunk in that these are the times I must be proud of and hold on to. I haven't failed at anything. I have lived my life as it was meant to be. As I sat grinning away, a rush of hope spiraled around my body from head to toe...and it felt amazing! It goes without saying, the nature of this little bug inside my head can turn everything upside and this feeling may not last for long, but who cares! I am coping better everyday. Everyday I am becoming stronger and bounce back even better than before. What a marvelous revelation to have!

So, lets do a quick spew of all things medical for all the fellow up & downers on the system! :)
A while ago another drug was added to the mix to make a spectacular concoction! My mood stabiliser dosage was upped to keep the swings down & I am now taking Sertraline along with the Depakote to help the stronger episodes of depression. Of course, I am still not free from the silly devils but I am much much better. Hurrah. Big cheer...and all that jazz! My body has now got to grips with the side effects and I actually finally feel like I am getting somewhere. It's been a long time coming but it's happening. Without the ongoing support from my insane family & friends, it wouldn't have been possible. As I write in most of my posts...thankyou.

It is also an absolute pleasure to say I have finished one of my therapy courses. Every Wednesday I would sit in a room with people the 'same' as me. Last year, I never thought the day would come. Completing the programme seemed so far away and every inch of me wished it would hurry up and be over. Then, something strange happened. I would find myself every week actually looking forward it. I had grown fond of everyone in that room. I had become used to expressing myself to others and feeling at ease with what I was saying. I felt confident to speak the truth about what happens in my head and found myself enjoying learning about how I am able to save myself. I sat in my little spot every week, some weeks with a smile on my face and other times barely able to control my tears...but every time eager and excited to see what I could take away with me. A million worksheets later and it has now come to an end. I have to admit, it started to worry me that the minute I go it alone again - I may crumble like an apply pudding. However, in my review meeting we put together a little plan for the future and I am comfortable and ready to get going! My one to one therapy is still ongoing until the end of September and then it's back to my care coordinator as & when! So, at last and with my hands patting my back I am able to say...my life is well on the way to becoming what I want again. What I have learnt will stay with me forever & if it so happens I need a little more therapy down the line... I will never be ashamed to have it. It has done wonders. Big, fat, juicy wonders!

So, as I sit here and wrap things up there is a simple message I would like to get across. Never give up. Be who you are. You are you. That's a good thing. No-matter how rough your sea gets there is always a calm water waiting for you. You just have to work hard and find it. It may be miles away or just around the corner, but it is there. :) I am living proof that a life can change if you work hard enough. My journey is far from over and I have so much more to face. But that is not a problem....because I know I can do it.

6 months later and my blog has finally been updated. Who knows what the next 6 months will hold...I can't wait to find out.

x

"Time to Talk"

I have been trying to blog for a while now! Unfortunately I failed to reach my target of Thursday 6th February - which was the 'Time to Talk' campaign and encouraged individuals to talk openly and comfortably about Mental Health. Personally, I didn't spend the day too differently because to me it should be something that can be discussed as and when needed. Every day if necessary. It's a little like valentines day. A day where you are suppose to show all your admiration & compassion towards the person you have given your heart to. Why not just show it everyday? Yes feel free to make it a little more special, but one day cannot define love. But we have to start somewhere with raising awareness right!? Anyway - I am straying already.
So, what's new in my little pickled onion shaped universe? To start, my medications have been upped. Giant hurrah. Hello sarcasm, where did you come from? But yes, in all seriousness however they have increased. So I am currently writing this from the comfort of my bed, with heavy eyes, tired bones, achey legs and a sort of numbness to my personality. All of this I am well used to - but it is still far from pleasant going through it again. I wish I could just have someone to tickle my back through the periods of shit. Maybe I could hire someone? They would also sing sweetly to me & bring constant supplies of sweets & crisps with dip. Okay, probably asking for too much. It just gets very miserable when you are left cuddling a giraffe shaped hot water bottle, rather than being able to go rock climbing because you are constantly tired. BUT of course I must keep smiling, because in the long I will feel the benefit. Even if one day they get upped again...I will still stand tall, whip it in the butt with an unsuspecting tea towel, stick to fingers up and say HUH LOOK...I am alive and happy to be here. The Psych increased the dosage for a number of reasons but there is no shame at all in admitting it. When I first started this blog, it was merely a way of letting my creativity vent & write my way through whirlwinds of mess... but after the huge positive response from over the world and people experiencing the same mind boggling things as I, I want to tell you now...Nomatter what your situation - never be afraid to seek help, never be afraid to admit the truth. Yesterday was about making that change. When I received my very first email to say that one of my blog posts had changed someones life, no words could describe what I felt. I can't change the world alone. I can't do things that are not in my reach. I cannot change poverty or war. But I can do this...and I truly believe if we each find that one thing we are passionate enough about - we can transform the life of another - and that counts for something right? I don't pretend to be all knowing. I seek no praise from my writing. I just want to reach out to others who haven't yet found their strength.

This blog is an insight into the life of someone living with mental health problems. It is not something to be taken too negatively or seriously. I like to think of it as a glimpse of mental health with some positive outlooks, silver lining outbursts and outstanding amounts of humorous comedy. HUZZAH!
 I am currently undergoing treatment for a few different things & aswell as one to one meetings I attend group therapy. I am pleased to say....I am actually enjoying it. See folks! It's not all bad. When I was first referred and went along, I was upset beyond belief. The look I gave my mother as she walked away 100% pleaded with her "do not leave me here". Yes, it was intimidating. Yes, I felt stupid. Yes, it made my eyes fill with tears and heart beat fast with fear. But a month or so into the course... I no longer feel that way. Don't get me wrong, it can be hard. I still find it difficult to strip my soul bare to strangers who have now become familiar faces. But we are in it together. Our backgrounds are unique and we are all at different points in our lives. Our paths would have probably never crossed if it hadn't have been from the little monsters in our brains...but look, they have crossed. This is real and it's happening & each one of us is proud to say we are fighting back. We are no longer letting it get the better of us. Many have tried and many have failed. We will not fail. You can do it to. I have learnt so much already and will carry on doing so.

One to one is very different. I find this most helpful - but the most painful. It literally rips off any mask I may wear, tears down my walls and leaves me feeling uncut to the world. Barriers are broken and words that wouldn't normally be spoken are used in full force. Nothing can be left untouched. Do not be frightened. It takes a little while to become relaxed and let it free, but when it does....how incredibly relieved you feel after. Insecurities are spoken about through tears falling down my face and the problems I am facing are confronted using my own words. My own, unedited and uncensored words. Speaking and seeking help could possibly be the best thing you ever do. However long it takes, don't push it aside. Do it for yourself.  You deserve it.

Having a confused little brain isn't all bad! :)
Search for your creativity through the storm and your heart will come out smiling.

I am not sure I can talk much more today. There was definitely more I wanted to say...but unfortunately my brain feels like it has been scrambled in a frying pan, mixed up with some sweet thai chilli sauce & prawns. I would however like to say...this week, I cut off my longish blonde locks & had my hair dyed blue & purple. I have never been a fan of the saying ' you only live once' ....but it's true, you do! And if it's the little things like that that make you happy,smile, feel positive & vibrant...then go for it! Be yourself. Sometimes its hard to be positive when your head is a tumble weed of doubt, but every day strive to become that person.

I am now going to leave you with some quotes & videos I have found that I am holding close to my heart right now! Peace & love <3

"All negativity is caused by an accumulation of psychological time and denial of the present. Unease, anxiety, tension, stress, worry, - all forms of fear - are caused by too much future and not enough presence. Guilt, regret, resentment, grievances, sadness, bitterness, and all forms of non-forgiveness are caused by too much past, and not enough presence"

"Let everything happen to you. Beauty and terror. Just keep going. No feeling is final"

This video I have posted before, but I feel the need to share again. If you are reading from a mobile device you may not be able to view it.

I believe this song may be on by blog somewhere too, but today I listened to it again & realised how incredible it is. Alanis Morissette - That I would be good.

x