A year on..

Hello loyal readers, I have been meaning to write this post for about a week now - for a very simple reason. I can't quite believe it but it has now been a year since I came home. It's been a year since my whirlwind world changed again and I left my life up in Yorkshire. It's no secret that I was devastated. My head and heart were almost admitting defeat. I felt so completely lost in everything. My stability was at an all time low. I was reluctant to come home - after all I hadn't lived here for years. Deep down, I knew it was for the best - my mental health was spiraling out of control and it was clear to everyone I needed my families love & strength to get me through. I was left feeling scared beyond words, terrified within myself and hating my very own personality and existence. I was ashamed. But this is not a post to dwell on the pain, this is a post to reflect, learn, grow and show to others things do get better. There is hope and there is light. This is a post for all those whose belief in success is fading. Keep fighting, because it can change. You may not ever completely heal and you may not ever forgot the path of destruction left behind - but I am living proof that no matter what our brains decide to do - there is a way to control, accept and live.

I would like to share this with you. This is on my self help wall...

Steps
1. Accepting my illness
2. Forgive my past
3. Accept my reflection
4. Be confident
5. Make connections

Rules

• Recognise it's a long journey
• Be honest in my treatment
• Forgive myself
• Love myself
• Forgive others
• Accept that everything happens for a reason
• Appreciate that the future is bright
• Accept that love is all around me
• Show compassion to family and friends
• Believe in hope

Living by these rules, has started to change my life. Even though I am aware I still have a long way to go and even though I honestly still struggle - I am almost unrecognisable from the person I was this time last year. Life has moved forward. Yes, there have been moments of two steps back - but I am without a doubt a stronger person. I am beginning to get my fighting drive back. Compassion is slowly seeping back through my bones and my world is becoming clearer day by day. My mood swings and emotional stability are much better and I am now receiving regular treatment. I am thankfully on the right medications and have a great professional support team. As well as my psychiatrist and support worker sessions I will soon be attending one to one meetings with a psychologist and will be going to psychotherapy group sessions - which I intend to blog about. This time last year, even just the thought of this would have overwhelmed me terribly. And even though my palms still sweat, my heart sinks and nerves put my tummy in knots - it's almost like second nature now. I know it's so important to my health and I therefore take my deep breaths and suck it in! 

Yes, my Depakote & the pro's have been of great assistance and help - but it's not them that I have to thank. For it's all the people that have stood proudly by my side that have made me shine that little bit brighter. My treasured family. The ones I see everyday who accept without a thought and the ones I don't see everyday who still manage to make me feel undoubtedly loved. I am extremely lucky to have you all. Without each and everyone one of you - I am not Crisi. You all make me. I love you so much.

My beautiful friends... who make me massively happy. Everyone needs friends - and I have the most amazing ones. People with mental health problems find it trickier than most to trust. We find it hard to allow people in. We worry about being judged. But I can safely say I have now found the true people who accept me for who I am. This warms my heart and makes me smile! 

My very best friend. This man has supported me through my battles since day one. Yes, things may have changed and we have lived our lives separately the past few years - but he knows me better than anyone. He has continued to love & support me every step of the way, no matter the distance between us .I couldn't be more thankful to still have him in my life. At the age of 16, I couldn't have predicted our future and now at nearly 24 still having you within my heart makes me so very proud. Having you, has made this all so much easier. You have seen me during my darkest days and yet still call me beautiful. To me....that is everything. Can't wait until your safe return in February. 

To everyone else. The ones who have made a difference - even if you don't know it! Thankyou. The smallest thing means everything.

I cannot believe how much I have achieved in the past year and for me to say that is huge victory within itself. For I do not hold high opinions on life so far - even though I am told I have accomplished so much. But for once, I am starting to believe it. My confidence and colour is becoming bolder. From the small simple things like getting out of bed and eating....to jumping out of a plane at 12,000ft and raising over £1000 for charity - life is becoming a triumph! Anxiety has somewhat settled. I am learning to be brave! My little steps worked. I am still taking them and if I get knocked back - I will start again. There is no giving up now! 2014 looks set to be a positive year for me....I hope from the bottom of my heart it will be for you too.

Keep your heads held high. You can do it!

Love,

Crisi x