Inspirational?

I really do just want to say a massive thankyou (again) for everyone's beautiful and kind messages. Saying my blog is 'inspirational' is truly something amazing for me to hear, so thankyou. I never intended it to be that way. For me, it was just a way of release. A way to come to terms with life throwing lemons at me. I didn't really expect anybody to read it. It was more like an online diary - that people might stumble upon and if so, could read it! It's given me great comfort knowing that it's given alot of people something to smile about.
I shall never forget all your lovely words and shall remember them in my hours of darkness. Even when it's a day that is best forgotten - recieving compliments always makes me smile.  I guess many people still can't get their heads around me blogging about something so personal and perhaps think I was seeking some sort of attention or wanting pity. I'm afraid to let you down folks...but that's far from the truth. I was told to only blog about something worthwhile - or it won't ever mean anything. This is my life. What could mean more?
I wouldn't wish this on anyone...what my brain does & at my lowest I do feel sorry for myself, because quite frankly it sucks! But atleast I'm bloody doing something about it & turning it into something positive with a blog that is helping others. Writing gets be through the days... and I'd much rather be striping myself bare for the world to read - than bottling it up to the point of self-combustion like I've done in the past. Councillors & therapists listen yes,... but to anyone who has ever been to a session - you'll know how utterly SHIT it is.

Tomorrow I am going to London with my beautiful family. My sister is currently at Uni there and we are all off to see her. My sister, is possibly the most stunning little shit you have ever met. We drive eachother crazy and annoy eachother to death but are without a doubt the best of friends. We are very different but love eachother with all our hearts. Well, I hope so Emma!? She is my baby and my pride just grows more & more everyday for her. I dislike her though when she chases me. She is pretty damn scary sometimes. Love you Miff, can't wait for 'togetherness' tomorrow.

I am very excited to use my new camera tomorrow! I believe we all need a passion - an outlet. Something to escape to, when ordinary life begins to take it's toll. Everyone must have something. Whether it's photography, playing an instrument or riding a bike! We must do something in which we truly enjoy in life..to be happy. 

So this is the next step in 'falling in love with yourself'' .... find a hobby!

If you already have one - be thankful, throw yourself into it whenever you can. Enjoy it and be proud to have found something you have so much passion for. Try new things, take risks, learn. 

There's never a limit to the amount of creative outlets you can have! Keep exploring!

Once you've found something you love... you'll soon start accepting that you are WONDERFUL.

Not only will it take your mind off everyday stresses & worries - it will bring out your beautiful personality. It will bring stability and positive thoughts.

Sometimes it can be hard to actually find the motivation to do something and stick at it. Just do your best. Take your time. Even if it's been a day from hell - just think about. Even if you think about it for months and months, tell yourself...that one day you WILL.

Begin to overcome a feeling of 'worthlessness' - become amazing in your own right!

Not a manic moment.

So today, I bought myself this. 

 

I am now lacking in funds - but this is normal. 

May I add this was not a manic moment. This was a Crisi 'fuck it, I'm just going to do it' kind of moment!

Excuse my language. 

I figured, I may aswell just buy it - after wanting one for so long now.

I can now start my online photography course, whilst I am unfortunately unable to work. 

SO, today has been a better day. A better day in my books anyway. Though I am still feeling pretty bitter about my birthday next week. If only it could have been my 'special day' when all was well. Guess it's just another thing I have to accept.

 I'm starting to look forward now. I'm starting to realise, I'm still young & even though I've had my fair share of set backs, I CAN move forward and I can take control & be happy. Of course, suddenly - BAM I'll suddenly feel overwhelmed with sadness and hopelessness.... but there will always be a better day for every bad one I have. 

Dinners ready...

Maybe I'll be back later!

x   

wish list.

Would just like to say a massive thankyou to everyone who has been reading my blog. It is becoming a great comfort to me and keeping my dormant brain somewhat active. I feel very humbled and proud to think my little blog is helping others. All the people from forums, who have been viewing - thankyou. x

Tonight has been bad night. Not necessarily because of what's going on in my brain right now.. or because I was having a low for no reason at all...there was a reason, I know the reason and the reason sucks. And, because mentally things aren't quite right at the moment, it just makes everything seem completely and utterly worse. I couldn't face sleeping in my old room at my parents again tonight. As much as I love my home comforts and being around the ones who love me most - the room was driving me crazy. It's the room I've been in since I was young...and coming back here, under these circumstances, sleeping in that bed - makes me so very sad. I know that will go in time, but for now - it's the way it is. Don't get me wrong. There is no better place in the world for me to be right now... but once you've had your own independence and lived away from home - coming back can often be a little tricky. Home IS a loving place. Home IS a loyal place. Home IS a happy place, but no matter how much love you are surrounded by - you can still feel incredibly lonely.

So instead of being in my room. I have made a lovely comfy bed for myself on one of the sofas downstairs. Unfortunately, I haven't been getting to sleep at night because my brain becomes absorbed with all things sad. So tonight, it's been recommended that I don't sleep...stay awake all day tomorrow, then hit the sack at a certain time and sleep tomorrow night. I guess it makes sense. It might sort my silly body clock out. I understand that people diagnosed with bipolar have to try and set 'bedtimes' and 'wakeup times' ...to help with everything. I will try and do this at some point. Promise!

My dearest mum, my best friend, my rock - has been amazing. I couldn't possibly look ahead if it wasn't for her. To anyone suffering.... let your family in, let them help and let them listen. Don't bottle it up. Never feel ashamed of who you are and how you are feeling. I am a complete hypocrite saying that... but I am learning.

So, something new to do.
This is to keep our dreams alive and futures full of positivity.

Write a wish list. This isn't some morbid 'bucket list' of things to do before you die, just to clear things up.

Yes, it's similar. But this is a wish list of the little & BIG things you want in life. From material to sentimental.
This is wish list to give you a focus and some determination.

Here's a few of mine;

Crisi's Wish List (not in any particular order)

1. Own a nice house, which is designed and styled exactly how I what it. A house full of creativity, family and fun. With a garden overwhelmed by pretty flowers and a well-loved tree swing in its rightful place. A hammock gently relaxing in the corner and a home - made tree house for my children.

2. Have a book published....once I start writing it.

3. Own a sausage dog (dachshund). My favourite dog breed. This little guy will rock my world.

4. Go to Africa and see giraffes in their natural home.

5. Raise lots of money for a charity close to my heart.

6. Own a performing arts club/school/academy for children.

7.Have babies and be an amazing mummy. 

8. Go back to the french alps for a chalet holiday.

9. Learn how to play the piano.

10. Consider myself to be a could cook.

11. Throw myself into lots of volunteer work when possible.

12. Be hired as a professional photographer.

13. Meet Will Young. Yes, I know to you..the reader, this may seem a tad strange and a little sad. But for me, someone who has admired him for over ten years. To meet him would be insane. I would definitely need someone to translate my unrecognisable emotional face noise that comes out of my mouth if this were to ever happen. AND catch me if I faint...which is likely. 

14. Rekindle my love with Michael McInytre. 

15. Visit New York. I've never actually had the erge to go. But recently, I've decided...seeing and exploring the world is a good thing. 

16. Visit Machu Picchu and open my eyes to something truly amazing.

17. Start driving again.

18. To be comfortable and happy in my own skin. Live my life for me :)

x

the good things.

Today I woke up and wasn't really too sure how I felt. I guess, it was just numb. I still have all my mixed feelings and frustrations stuck, glued and molded to my brain. I still don't feel myself. My heart is aching & my concentration levels on anything other than my laptop are beyond low. I find myself having staring competitions with the copious amounts of soft toys in my room. I wonder if they come to life once I leave the room...and talk about how much I am scaring them with my constant eye contact. To me, it's a daydream..a zombie stare of nothingness... but to my poor teddies, it must quite terrifying. I am aware I am nearly 23 and still have childish things, but my Mary Poppins doll is definitely cool.

It's a weird day. We are currently waiting for a phone call from my councillor up north - who will be transferring everything 'medical wise' down south. We are all praying the process doesn't take too long. The sooner the better. I can then start focusing on starting a new, happier life.

In a previous post, I blogged about a diary I was making, to help with everything. I hope those of you reading my blog who are going through similar things found this helpful. So, after all the compliment and 'nice things people say' about you pages... here is the next step.

Title the page - Good things about my life.
I think the rest is self explanatory....
Here is mine;

1. My family.
I have the most amazing family and am so lucky to be surrounded with support. Each and every person has unconditional love for me. Through all my crazy decisions and my lowest moments, they stand by me.

2. The other people who love me.
This is slightly vague, I know. People come & go and friends change...and even though I often feel alone..deep down I know, I am loved.

3. My health.

Granted, my mental health may be a little wonky right now. But physically - I am fine!

SO since doing my blog, we have heard from my councillor...and it looks like the process will take even longer now. I am angry and upset. Yet again, I will have to sit infront of more doctors. I came down south to get better, now it's just more complicated & more crap for me to go through. As much as I want to be strong, this just feels like another set back right now. I will get through this. No-matter how long it takes. I want my life back.

Carrying on with Good things about my life;

4. My memories

Sometimes, the best memories are the ones that make you sad - because that's all they are, a memory. Change has kicked you in the shins and turned everything you once loved into something of the past. But I am now learning to grow from my memories. Hold them dear in my heart and be thankful that they happened at all. Then, in turn, we can make new ones.

Obviously, some memories are kept personal to me...

and have no reason to be shown publicly in pictures :)

5. My creativity.

I thank the stars above that I was lucky enough to be born with a creative mind. Life would be so boring without a creative mess of music,painting,writing and imagination. 

6. My future.

It will be positive and successful. Jam packed with smiles,laughter,love and happiness.  

x

Something different.

Today, even though it hasn't been the best - I have decided to do something a little different.

Today, I would like to share this video with you all.

Be inspired

....

We are all beautiful

x

Change.

When you're sad and everything is a fuzzy bubble of mixed up feelings and emotions, we dwell on the past and things that once made us happy. And think - why can't I have that anymore? Why did everything have to change? Today has been one of those days. Unfortunately, it's been a crying day. I tried to clear my head with a walk in town - but it didn't work. I walked in a complete daze. Someone could have pinched my bag and I probably wouldn't have reacted until 10 minutes after. My eyes seemed glazed over and I could feel it. I love to people watch and even a trip to town normally gives me my people watching kick... but today, I didn't notice anyone. People could have been walking around with knickers on their heads, and I would be none the wiser. It's a very strange and unwelcome feeling.

We remember all the little things. It's something we shouldn't do. It makes nothing better and only winds us up even more. But, it cannot be helped. Personal things, that once made you feel on top of the world...even just for a second. Sights and smells of new places, that are now only a very distant thing of the past. Why can nothing stay new? Why are we only left with painful reminders that something before, once was perfect. Sometimes, not even perfect. Sometimes, we just have random flash backs of happier days on our darkest ones. That, in turn, should make us feel better? Thinking happy thoughts... could only make you happier? But what if your happy thoughts, are the very things that make you sad. Because they are no longer there anymore. If only we could hold onto something forever. A smell, a smile, a tummy full of butterflies.

I have always believed that 'everything happens for a reason' - but day's  like today make me question my own beliefs. Who knows, maybe in time (or tomorrow morning if my mood suddenly changes) - I will feel everything happens for a reason. It's just so hard to see that sometimes. Why should this happen!? I am a good, caring, loving person. Why should something so shit happen. Maybe it will make me stronger but why does it have to mess everything up along the way. I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I just have to find it. And, at times - I'm blinded by these things I no longer have - rather than focusing on what the new light might be.


I don't like not being in control of my emotions. I don't like things changing that I don't want to change. Of course, I accept that change DOES happen. But why does it have to hit so hard? Especially when, even though some days are grey, you have truly found happiness. Nothing will ever be perfection. There will never be a month without a cloud in the sky...don't ever give up on something you don't want to give up on.

And now, for a well known quote - that has up until now never really had much meaning to me. It was just words I thought I related to. Now, it's much, much more.

 To all those who are reading my blog that are suffering and have found me through other sites - keep strong, hold your head high and remember - you are loved, wanted and deserve the very best.

2.58am

It's now 2.59am and I'm laying in bed but my eyes won't stay closed. Again, i am blogging on my phone. I could just flip open my laptop but all the effort i'm putting in to hitting the right keys on my stupid phone...might make me sleepy! Yet again, i've been laying here over-thinking everything through. Sometimes its not even important things. Sometimes i get the most random thoughts popping into my over active brain - like when was the last time i had marmite on toast etc. But more often than not, they are tear-jerker thoughts that spin round and round trying their absolute hardest to prevent me from sleeping. I don't know what is worse sometimes... not being able to sleep because i have too much energy, get ants in my pants and want to change the world in one night OR i can't sleep because i'm feeling so sad and empty. It's even worse when you can't sleep at night... but all you want to do is lay in bed for hours on end during daylight hours. Luckily, I haven't done that for a while. Granted, i do sit on my bed and spend hours in my room but fortunately i haven't felt the need to bury my head under the duvet for a while. So anyway. It's now 3.12am according to my phone. A cuddle would probably do the trick! Failing that...some warm milk. I'm laying here, listening to the wind and just wanting it to be morning already. So I can wake up and be around people. So I can wake up and be another day closer to getting my life back. X

Inspiration.

Overwhelming amount of views on my blog now & lots from other people who are having a tough time. This post is for you. Here's some inspiration. Stay strong & get better <3

x

Creating.

Creating



This morning I have been creating. I've read and been told countless times to keep a  hand written journal.
Not just a normal kind of diary of events etc.
This is much more personal.... and I'm finding concentrating on it has really helped today.
Would recommend this to anyone suffering;

1. Buy a notebook, a nice pen, scissors & glue.
2. Go through old magazines and cut out anything you like that will fit onto the front of your new diary.
3. Go for positive sounding things and pictures that catch your eye.
4. Create your masterpiece - like mine (half done) above.
5. On the inside page write in the corner "Things I LOVE"
6. Over the inside pages write down all the things that you love - from hobbies, to family and even your favourite  foods!
Make it quirky, Mix it up, use different hand writing styles, draw little pictures.
The beauty is - you can keep adding and if you run out of room - slot some paper inside!
7. On the very first lined page. Write "Compliments & all things nice"
8. Over the next few pages write down compliments you have received and who said it. Or even just nice things! Go through texts messages, facebook etc. Try to remember compliments from the past! Again, keep adding to it every time you get a new one! Jot them down & pop the paper into your diary.

This is just to start your diary off. You'll start thinking off new creative ideas to make it personal to you.

x

Eyes won't shut.

It's 2.22am. I have not cried since laying in bed. However, i have not yet shut my eyes. I've been writing lists and trying to settle my very busy over-active brain. This is also a quick check to see if my phone successfully uploads this post...having previously been a phone blogger virgin. I wonder what tomorrow will bring?

A better day.

It's true, writing really does help. Today has been much more positive. AND hurrah, I haven't cried today...yet ;) The lump is still lodged tight in my throat, along with the sadness but I have not given in to the tears. I've decided to take my blog a little more seriously. Of course, when I'm steady away and under control - I'll be back to my stupid amusing stories. For now though, I would like this blog to be some sort of comfort. I've now read many inspirational blogs about Bipolar Disorder. From the deep dark lows of the illness, to the manic highs. I've had an overwhelming amount of views from all over the world on my blog and would like to keep that going.

I'm currently living back at home with my family. I am so lucky to have the constant love from my mother, who is here 24/7 to get me back on track. Coming home was almost like admitting defeat. But I guess sometimes you have to admit defeat before you can work towards making it better! I'm currently waiting for everything 'medical' to be transferred from up north...to back here down south! It's sometimes hard to see that this is the best place for me. I am truly grateful to have the incredible support from all my family, but it's just so frustrating having to change my life yet again. Being in the north, was a breath of fresh air. I finally felt part of something. I felt that everything was worth while and things were looking up. But, nothing is rainbows and butterflies it seems in this world.

All I want is a normal life. With a normal relationship. Normal holidays and normal work days. I want to experience everyday smiling, knowing that the next's days thoughts and feelings are in my control. I want to go to bed at night and not have to worry who I'll upset tomorrow or what's going to make me angry for no reason. I want to sleep tight in the arms of someone who isn't worried about what state I'll be in when I wake up.

It really is such a strange feeling and so very hard to understand just what my brain is doing. I have so many ambitions in life, which I often lose sight of but I will succeed. I have so much love to give and so much passion and creativity to let free

....which I will.

I thought I would end this post differently.

I guess we always knew I was a bit different....

  Happy days!