Change.

When you're sad and everything is a fuzzy bubble of mixed up feelings and emotions, we dwell on the past and things that once made us happy. And think - why can't I have that anymore? Why did everything have to change? Today has been one of those days. Unfortunately, it's been a crying day. I tried to clear my head with a walk in town - but it didn't work. I walked in a complete daze. Someone could have pinched my bag and I probably wouldn't have reacted until 10 minutes after. My eyes seemed glazed over and I could feel it. I love to people watch and even a trip to town normally gives me my people watching kick... but today, I didn't notice anyone. People could have been walking around with knickers on their heads, and I would be none the wiser. It's a very strange and unwelcome feeling.

We remember all the little things. It's something we shouldn't do. It makes nothing better and only winds us up even more. But, it cannot be helped. Personal things, that once made you feel on top of the world...even just for a second. Sights and smells of new places, that are now only a very distant thing of the past. Why can nothing stay new? Why are we only left with painful reminders that something before, once was perfect. Sometimes, not even perfect. Sometimes, we just have random flash backs of happier days on our darkest ones. That, in turn, should make us feel better? Thinking happy thoughts... could only make you happier? But what if your happy thoughts, are the very things that make you sad. Because they are no longer there anymore. If only we could hold onto something forever. A smell, a smile, a tummy full of butterflies.

I have always believed that 'everything happens for a reason' - but day's  like today make me question my own beliefs. Who knows, maybe in time (or tomorrow morning if my mood suddenly changes) - I will feel everything happens for a reason. It's just so hard to see that sometimes. Why should this happen!? I am a good, caring, loving person. Why should something so shit happen. Maybe it will make me stronger but why does it have to mess everything up along the way. I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I just have to find it. And, at times - I'm blinded by these things I no longer have - rather than focusing on what the new light might be.


I don't like not being in control of my emotions. I don't like things changing that I don't want to change. Of course, I accept that change DOES happen. But why does it have to hit so hard? Especially when, even though some days are grey, you have truly found happiness. Nothing will ever be perfection. There will never be a month without a cloud in the sky...don't ever give up on something you don't want to give up on.

And now, for a well known quote - that has up until now never really had much meaning to me. It was just words I thought I related to. Now, it's much, much more.

 To all those who are reading my blog that are suffering and have found me through other sites - keep strong, hold your head high and remember - you are loved, wanted and deserve the very best.