Fall from grace.

It pains me to write this and so close to my treatment start date.
I wasn't sure I would be able to write at all. I'm feeling extremely numb & completely broken.

I'm writing this to all my followers on various sites who have similar problems. The ones reading my blog because we are all 'helping eachother'.

For once, I will be completely brutal with what I write. I do not intend to upset anybody, but I can no longer hide my dark days away. I've been told to write exactly whats going on and how I feel.
Today was terrible.. A day I want to forget, but am well aware I'll be haunted by it for some time.
I woke up feeling low. Lower than low. I was reluctant to get out of bed... but I hauled myself up, determine to try. It wasn't long before my daily fight met it's match with the demons in my head. Something switched & that was that. Before I knew what was going on, I was putting on my jeans & a jumper.
Suddenly, I was out the door. Heavy snow under my feet - I walked and didn't look back.
I wasn't at my parents & was in an unfamiliar place. Tears pouring down my face - I just kept walking.
It wasn't until I was splashed by a dozen unforgiving cars that I realised how cold I was. My hands were bright red, my feet were drowned in a puddle of soggy jeans and my tears felt like they were turning to ice.
I had been walking for around two hours when it became apparent I was lost. My head was all over the place. Thinking straight - didn't happen. The battery on my phone was nearing dead & I felt like that battery was resembling my dying personality. Everything was an emotional blur. I looked at my phone and had 30+ missed calls from three different people, including my incredible mother. Three people knew I was in a bad way from previous texts I had sent. I found the courage to call my mum, my frosty fingers struggling to move.

The police were then called and I had to knock on the nearest door I could see. I became more and more tearful. My eyes were staring blankly into dark pools & I found it hard to communicate with anyone from that moment onwards. I was passed to & from different people, then medically checked over and stabilized.
I was told I had walked miles and miles away from where I started. I was surrounded by unknown faces & couldn't possibly begin to describe how I felt.
I just wanted to walk away. Walk away all my problems & thoughts. Never looking back.
I know it wasn't the right thing to do, but I just couldn't stop myself.  I've now been left with blistered feet, sore hands, ruined clothes & a broken promise. A promise to make 2013 a positive one. My soul feels far from my body ... a damaged fragile soul that has lost it's way. I pray for a better day tomorrow. In the arms of my family and those who love me.

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