To the world that's listening.
I feel perhaps I shouldn't write this. But I've been reminded that the very reason I started this blog, was to release the ever-growing build up of turbulence crawling throughout my body. I did not expect to receive such a wonderful response. When told my blog was 'inspirational' I felt overwhelmingly humbled. The support I have received has been incredibly kind and I am truly thankful. I know to some, my blog may still seem somewhat strange. I don't claim to be something I'm not. I am not the first person to feel the way I do. I am 100% aware there are people out there facing indescribable distress. Extraordinary people who stand up to life's evil, stick two fingers up & never get beaten down. I am the first to admit there are others fighting much harder battles. But I have to focus on mine. Nomatter how insignificant it may seem to some... I'm living it, so I'll judge it.
So, as I was saying..
I've been reminded that this blog was an outlet...and at times like this, I must remember that.
For the today I have been feeling crushingly sad. It's hard to admit it, when I feel such a responsiblilty to be strong. I fear being worried about, because I do not wish to hurt those close to me. I hate seeing and knowing my family have cried tears over my problem. I hate to confess to this unwelcome feeling, when I've promised myself I was getting better. But writing and using my fingers to type faster than my brain tells me too - always seems to help. Deep down, I know I am not letting anyone down - because those who care will bare me through the darkness... but on the surface I feel like a burden to those trying to help me. I know it's not true. But it's understandable, right? I worry that this roller coaster misleads people. For one minute I am a positive, motivating 'speech giver' and the next I fall from grace and knock myself out. I know the medication will help, but it scares me to think that I'll have rely on something so belittling, in order to live a normal life. Believe me, I'll try every self-help plan and treatment programmes going.
I don't know why today has been a 'bad one'... it seemed to follow on from yesterday.
I think perhaps I'm scared. I can't help but sit with a vacant expression, staring into nothing with my nothingness eyes. I was once told I had a sparkle to my eye & shine to my smile. I don't know where that's gone. Perhaps it's gone travelling somewhere. Maybe it's gone somewhere hot, while the rain pours down here into ever growing puddles.
I must remember it's not a crime nor a failing to feel sad.
I must remember that tomorrow may be a better day...and if it's not, the day after maybe.
The thoughts racing through my head will change.
x
Death Cab For Cutie - I Will Follow You Into The Dark.
ReplyDeleteThat song is too fitting. Sending you love and light xxx
I love your blog. I can relate in so many ways and sometimes I just wish there was a "quickfix" for those of us who struggle.
ReplyDeleteKeep being strong x
"I must remember that tomorrow may be a better day" should say "I must remember that tomorrow WILL be a better day". Just keep your head up!
ReplyDeleteI am very glad to know you Crisi, it is a special thing to blog and share YOU.
ReplyDeleteI too suffer with depression, for the past couple of years I have been lucky though as the medication I take is helping, so I understand the path you are on dear. I think blogs like yours are so, so helpful to others with depression, because when you are deep in it, you really feel that it's only you who can be suffering this much, so well done on writing so eloquently on such a difficult subject xxx
ReplyDeletewould love if you want us to follow each other x
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