Update!

Good afternoon world!
My intention was to blog this morning, after my new daily morning dose of drugs! Hurrah.
Unfortunately the bloody things knocked me out. I've started on Quetiapine - Seroquel & I've heard it is somewhat notorious for it's serious sedation skills. I'm excited about being able to sleep at night, but I don't think I would suit the 'unable to move zombie look' during the day. We'll see how it goes...
I've also heard this beast of a pill can make you balloon in size? Is anyone of my fellow bloggers, 'google+ers'  familiar with this?  I'm not being selfishly shallow when I ask that question, I am just aware it's a common side effect. Unless I suddenly grow a few inches from my 5ft 1 frame, I do not want to gain much weight - I'll look like a plump fruit cake.

I'm sorry it's been a while since I properly blogged! My head has been somewhere far from my body & I couldn't quite find my brain. It's still not safely back yet. I still feel the distance between myself and the keyboard. The life has been unfairly sucked out of me at the moment. My personality is definitely not what it once was. When I used to write my blog, my focus & attention was fixed. I now find myself drifting slowly with unstoppable force.
So nothing major has been happening. I'm exhausted from all things 'mental health clinic'. Talking to more people, going over & over the ins & outs of...everything. It's essential, I know this, but it's uncomfortably draining. Small steps...

I've always been against judging people quickly. But it's something we all do naturally. I've decided I don't like my psychiatrist. Maybe "don't like" is too strong.. but I found him incredibly intimidating & not at once did I feel at ease. His manner was rude. Of course, I had a panic attack upon sitting down in his room - after following his blunt uncaring instructions leading me up the stairs, him walking behind me. I know everything involved is trial & error...from medications, to psychiatrists to therapists and nurses. Somethings may just not be right for you. I'm pretty sure he isn't right for me. Yet again, we'll see what happens...

So inbetween starting this blog & finishing it...I've had to have a bath. I take my second dose at 5 - an hour before dinner & wanted to make sure I had a splash about in water before it perhaps knocked me out again.
Looks like I'll be taking it whilst blogging... as yet again my mind wanders through lost lands & I can't string together a sentence without straying from the screen.

I guess I'll have to give up for today. But before I do... I want to (again) thank my beautiful family & friends for their ongoing support. This time, I would especially like to thank someone who I will always hold dear in my heart. Someone who has seen my light & dark since I was 16 years old. You know who you are...

To finish I would like to post some lyrics. Whilst sitting in the waiting room, before my last appointment a song came on the radio that we are all familiar with. I sat there, happy to hear a song I knew all the words to. Not only did it comfort me, but the lyrics suddenly felt so much more. So next time, in a dreary room with fears & worry seeping through the walls, I will remember...

"Do you ever feel like a plastic bag
Drifting through the wind wanting to start again?
Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards one blow from caving in?

Do you ever feel already buried deep six feet under?
Scream but no one seems to hear a thing
Do you know that there's still a chance for you
'Cause there's a spark in you?

You don't have to feel like a waste of space
You're original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow

Maybe the reason why all the doors are closed
So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road
Like a lightning bolt, your heart will glow
And when it's time you'll know"

x