A new year.

Good Evening.

May I take this time to thank my wonderful family for yet another beautiful Christmas. Especially my mother. Who holds me together & is simply amazing. She gives me the time I need, but never fails to be there when I fall apart. To my incredible family. I love you all.

I made a decision today. I guess it was one of my rushed 'I'm just going to do it' decisions. But right now, that seems to be the rule I am living by. I went to the station and bought myself a train ticket for Saturday. I will be visiting the place I left. I will be going back to Yorkshire for new year. I cried when I bought my ticket. I felt slightly overwhelmed knowing I will be going back to the place I thought I'd found home in.
But mainly, I was happy. I want to be strong & enjoy my new years eve. I know I will be coming back to the south after. I know I can't stay. I have to be here for my treatment to start.I know that & I'm fully aware that it's just a visit. But it's a visit - and for that, I am glad. I want to get off the train and take the walk I did most days into work & see some beautiful smiley faces. This won't be a trigger to upset me. I want to appreciate and use it as an added bit of strength to get me through this & as inspiration to get me back on track. I want to do it to make me remember the person I am. The person I can be again. I won't let it upset me that I don't still live there... I will turn it into something positive. Remind myself of what life can be. Remind me to work harder everyday on becoming the marvelous wonder woman I know I am!

I've never really been into celebrating the significance of new year. I've made resolutions and stuck to them for all of 5 minutes & have enjoyed using my neatest handwriting to start a new diary... but I've never felt like I do now. Every year, I want to believe - this will be the year my life starts. This will be MY year. Quite often, I think it has. Many times I've believed in the fairytale. I've been sucked into a whirlwind of happiness with my head in the clouds only to be pulled back down to the ground with a forceful thud. But this we must learn from...and not give up believing - that this year WILL be different. This year, the path will twist & turn in the right direction. We will seek comfort from our experiences and learn how to use them to our advantage to make our future better. It's easy to dwell on the past. I do it everyday. But we must try. Aslong as you try - noone can bring you down.

New years day - I plan to wake up & start again. Focus on me. This may only last a few hours - then in rushes the darkness but atleast I have tried. I want to see the beauty in everything I used to see. I want to smile for no reason & regain my faith in the world. Maybe not the world, but my world. Regain the faith in everything I once believed in. Open my eyes to new things & new ways of thinking. Meet new people. Take control of my life. Grab it, live with my arms wide open to possibilities. Absorb new information and learn.
Love myself and the person I am. Let others love me.


Last new years eve, I spent watching fireworks over the beautiful french mountains. This one won't be anything like that. Far from it. But I will be happy... knowing the next day - I shall be fighting this battle harder than ever before. I will get my life back.

x