Excuse language. And please excuse my over-use of the word 'wobble' in the previous paragraph.
Despite today being a good(ish) mood day. It's always the nights where I feel like a sack loada crap.
It's laying here, in this bed. In this room, that is still painted bright pink from when I was younger. Don't get me wrong, back then - I thought it was the bees knees. But now, it's more of a distracting colour that reminds me of so many things. Staying up late to complete Alevel coursework. This room, is the one in which I grew up. The room where the reflection in the mirror changed ever so slightly everyday. It's the room that saw me pack my bags for University and the room that welcomed me home when I left shortly after. It's the room I said goodbye to when I moved out and made a life for myself years ago. It is now the room I have returned to, with all the memories of independence. It's a very strange feeling.
So yes, as I said before (not that I really feel like doing it now) but I will write a list. This list is coming from someone who is still accepting herself.
good things about me
1. I am kind. I am - I have my moments where I just want to punch a stranger because I don't like their face or general 'dickish' behaviour. But that's normal right? I'm not a horrible person. I think alot of people would class themselves as 'kind'. Unless you're a complete douche. But take a step back and actually think....am I really kind? Maybe that's all it would take to make a happier brain. Be kind. I think sometimes, people can often have the wrong impression of me. I've always been told that when I was younger, I could just walk up to strangers and make friends. Now I find it a little harder. Now I find myself feeling a little 'standoff-ish' - it's not personal and it's never purposely done. It now takes a little longer for me to feel comfortable. Maybe we should all appreciate that some people take time to 'come out of their shell'. Take time to trust and take time to be themselves. They aren't rude. Look deeper & see the kind person on the inside.
2. I am caring. Anyone who knows me will tell you so. Sometimes, I care too much...and I often care for people I don't even know. It can feel like more of a curse, than a positive, because I'll spend hours worrying about something that really isn't in my hands. I'll lay awake at night and think about an elderly man who struggled with his shopping bags earlier in the day. Are you the sort of person who would help that man? I am.
3. I am loving. I have a huge heart. This clearly goes hand in hand with being caring & kind. At times, I feel I can come across extremely blunt. At times, I am a little harsh in the way I talk and handle things. I can often make the people I love most feel terrible. But I can safely say, I know I am loving.
4. Sometimes, I am pretty hilarious. Not going to lie. I'm quite the comedian. Laughing with me or at me. Atleast it's laughing. Laughing is one of the most important things in life. If it were possible, every day should contain a laugh. Perhaps this sometimes happens subconsciously. But I think, maybe, this should be a 'new years resolution' to all. A laugh a day! Then before we drift off to the land of nod - remember the laugh. Appreciate it.
5. Okay now I'm struggling.
Think I'll leave it there for now. Not sure if it's helped me writing these. I think now, I'm just sat here feeling sorry for myself. NO! No, I'm honestly not. I'm just a little fed up! But like I've said alot to my mother recently "the toughest things always happen to the best people, because they are the people who have been chosen, they are the people who can cope and in time, learn". Even if it feels like the worse thing in the world - life is game and we are here to play it..and WIN. Nothing amazing will just fall into place without hard work & dedication - and if it does - hats off to you!
So earlier, I got my lovely mum to take some pictures of me - bare faced. Accept yourself for who you are. Look in the mirror and say " I am beautiful". I couldn't quite believe I publicly posted the pictures, but it's all part of my journey. A journey which can change route rapidly. Today I took a step further. Tomorrow, it might be a step back. Small steps, small steps...
Guess I best try & sleep now.
x
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