It continues...

Hello world, it's been a weekend without blogging. Now I've sat down, snuggled in my dressing gown at two in the afternoon - and seem a little lost for words. I kept myself busy this weekend and besides the constant crying lump that has nestled itself under a duvet in my throat - I did have a nice few days. I absolutely loved using my new Nikon & truly believe it gave me something to focus on during this stupid mind-numbing 'depressive episode'.

I can gradually feel myself coming out of it - which is good. It's been nearly two weeks now since I've been home. Nothing really feels much easier and positive moments still lapse back into lost hopeless tears - but I can now finally see... it won't be like this forever. At first, I couldn't see any future for myself. I hated the way I looked, I was ashamed of feeling the way I do & I felt like the biggest failure in the world. Now though, even though those horrid thoughts seem to be engraved into my brain, I do have some hope.

Today, I saw one of the most amazing doctors. He actually seemed to genuinely care about my welfare & treatment. He sat there, at his big brown desk - and even through the wet mess pouring out my eyes, he made me feel at ease. He assured me that my treatment would be underway as fast as possible and the move from Yorkshire to Kent will not slow anything down. The sooner, the better - as the saying goes. I would really love to just get on with my life. It's hard to focus on a future when your life has been turned upside and shaken about. It's hard to focus on anything at all. But it's the small baby steps we take, that make us grow.

So it's my birthday on Sunday. It's crazy to think this time about a month ago I was so excited about it. Now, I would just rather I didn't have a birthday at all. I know that seems completely and utterly silly. It's just when you look forward to something so much, because you know it's going to be special - then HELLO suddenly everything changes. You would then rather go without celebrating,  because it's going to be far from what you imagined. Sometimes, life is just a pure bastard.

Sorry this is short, rubbish and un- inspirational blog. My minds not on the job today.
Maybe later...
x