The gaps between my blogs seem to be becoming bigger - apologies. I hope everyone is well & happy.
I am currently sat in my newly decorated bedroom at my parents house. The bubblegum walls that once swamped the floor to ceiling ...have gone. The uneasy reminders of a pink past have been painted over & fresh new-look has arrived. Decorating my room here provided my persistent soul with mixed emotions. For I knew bringing in the light & replacing old with new would help with my progress & need for a creative clean start. However, it was also as if someone had stuck a giant post-it note infront of me and highlighted the words written boldly in perminant marker - "you live here now". I'm slowly getting my head around it.. but it's simply still strange. I am very happy with the way my room looks. It's my safe haven. My sanctuary.
A room of not only self-help..but a room of creativity, happiness and weight-lifting positivities.
Let me share it with you....
Unfortunately I didn't take any proper pictures of how it looked before....but you can imagine - the standard illuminous shades of colour fit for a barbie doll. Cramped with odds & ends and dated objects clinging only to the past. This was the wall I let my paintbrush loose on when I was 17.
Then it began...
Something vibrant for a confident, progressing mind....
There's the fear of someone walking into my room and being bombarded with a wall of self-help - but the people who find it strange, are not the people I'll surrounded myself with.
A trusty friend!
Surrounding my dresser with beautiful people. Not so I look at it in pain & panic, and allow my unhealthy demons to possess what I see in the mirror - but to give me inspiration, power and the added extra 'UMPFFF' needed to put on my war paint & be satisfied within my own skin.
A wall of uplifting quotes from treatment books to the general internet.
A wall of plans, rules and self helping suggestions.
A wall of tips, assistance and relief.
A wall to reflect on, work on & learn by.
No-one can say I'm not trying...
My inspiration.
Just a few of my fathers old cameras proudly taking their rightful place on display..
An old 'disney cast member'
Forever a 'Cath Kidston' girl
A wall of memories...
It's shamefully true to admit that I have issues with all things 'wardrobe'..
Sometimes I find picking clothes & getting dressed almost unbearable.
So gradually I'll build up these doors. Pictures of imagination, obscurity, interest and love. Pictures that capture and comfort me. So when I reach for those handles, I am finally...at ease.
So if it's about time you need a break away from the past & want your future filled with light & hope.
Do it.
Start again.
Paint, get creative & clear your mind.
Enclose yourself within a world, dedicated to you and only you.
This week has been one of side effects. My dosage has changed to see if they go! I've had good days and bad days... still hanging in there. I'm learning to look after my body. I'm starting to follow my steps...
Speaking to the same familiar face every week is proving much easier. I'm starting to finally feel alot less as if I'm being passed to and from different people. Of course, my journey to health with still see me meeting others, but in time I guess becoming 'used to it' is all I can do. I am being put on the list for a scheme that helps people suffering with mental health illnesses get back into work. Involving volunteering, courses & a general helping steady hand to hold on to during hard times. Progress.
Something very strange has happened tonight....I lit myself candles. This is something I have never done. Mainly because of the irrational fear of fire I've had within me for a long time. I used to sit down in a restaurant and blow out the candles on the table. Tonight, I think my body may have been possessed - because I am actually enjoying the calm serenity slowly circling the room. Success.
I wish you all peaceful nights & happy days....x
