A year on..

Hello loyal readers, I have been meaning to write this post for about a week now - for a very simple reason. I can't quite believe it but it has now been a year since I came home. It's been a year since my whirlwind world changed again and I left my life up in Yorkshire. It's no secret that I was devastated. My head and heart were almost admitting defeat. I felt so completely lost in everything. My stability was at an all time low. I was reluctant to come home - after all I hadn't lived here for years. Deep down, I knew it was for the best - my mental health was spiraling out of control and it was clear to everyone I needed my families love & strength to get me through. I was left feeling scared beyond words, terrified within myself and hating my very own personality and existence. I was ashamed. But this is not a post to dwell on the pain, this is a post to reflect, learn, grow and show to others things do get better. There is hope and there is light. This is a post for all those whose belief in success is fading. Keep fighting, because it can change. You may not ever completely heal and you may not ever forgot the path of destruction left behind - but I am living proof that no matter what our brains decide to do - there is a way to control, accept and live.

I would like to share this with you. This is on my self help wall...

Steps
1. Accepting my illness
2. Forgive my past
3. Accept my reflection
4. Be confident
5. Make connections

Rules

• Recognise it's a long journey
• Be honest in my treatment
• Forgive myself
• Love myself
• Forgive others
• Accept that everything happens for a reason
• Appreciate that the future is bright
• Accept that love is all around me
• Show compassion to family and friends
• Believe in hope

Living by these rules, has started to change my life. Even though I am aware I still have a long way to go and even though I honestly still struggle - I am almost unrecognisable from the person I was this time last year. Life has moved forward. Yes, there have been moments of two steps back - but I am without a doubt a stronger person. I am beginning to get my fighting drive back. Compassion is slowly seeping back through my bones and my world is becoming clearer day by day. My mood swings and emotional stability are much better and I am now receiving regular treatment. I am thankfully on the right medications and have a great professional support team. As well as my psychiatrist and support worker sessions I will soon be attending one to one meetings with a psychologist and will be going to psychotherapy group sessions - which I intend to blog about. This time last year, even just the thought of this would have overwhelmed me terribly. And even though my palms still sweat, my heart sinks and nerves put my tummy in knots - it's almost like second nature now. I know it's so important to my health and I therefore take my deep breaths and suck it in! 

Yes, my Depakote & the pro's have been of great assistance and help - but it's not them that I have to thank. For it's all the people that have stood proudly by my side that have made me shine that little bit brighter. My treasured family. The ones I see everyday who accept without a thought and the ones I don't see everyday who still manage to make me feel undoubtedly loved. I am extremely lucky to have you all. Without each and everyone one of you - I am not Crisi. You all make me. I love you so much.

My beautiful friends... who make me massively happy. Everyone needs friends - and I have the most amazing ones. People with mental health problems find it trickier than most to trust. We find it hard to allow people in. We worry about being judged. But I can safely say I have now found the true people who accept me for who I am. This warms my heart and makes me smile! 

My very best friend. This man has supported me through my battles since day one. Yes, things may have changed and we have lived our lives separately the past few years - but he knows me better than anyone. He has continued to love & support me every step of the way, no matter the distance between us .I couldn't be more thankful to still have him in my life. At the age of 16, I couldn't have predicted our future and now at nearly 24 still having you within my heart makes me so very proud. Having you, has made this all so much easier. You have seen me during my darkest days and yet still call me beautiful. To me....that is everything. Can't wait until your safe return in February. 

To everyone else. The ones who have made a difference - even if you don't know it! Thankyou. The smallest thing means everything.

I cannot believe how much I have achieved in the past year and for me to say that is huge victory within itself. For I do not hold high opinions on life so far - even though I am told I have accomplished so much. But for once, I am starting to believe it. My confidence and colour is becoming bolder. From the small simple things like getting out of bed and eating....to jumping out of a plane at 12,000ft and raising over £1000 for charity - life is becoming a triumph! Anxiety has somewhat settled. I am learning to be brave! My little steps worked. I am still taking them and if I get knocked back - I will start again. There is no giving up now! 2014 looks set to be a positive year for me....I hope from the bottom of my heart it will be for you too.

Keep your heads held high. You can do it!

Love,

Crisi x

Have faith.

I can't believe it has taken me so long to write. My blog almost seems like a distant memory. This keyboard and 'alittlefeisty' post page were once my trusty bestfriends - seeing me through the journey I was trekking, holding my hand and being there for me when all else had been lost. My little finger tips (normally decorated in a creatively chipped black varnish) used to type away most nights - reporting on the daily waves of emotion that voyaged through my unsettled brain. I can't believe I drifted so far from it. This blog gave me something to hold on to...a safety ring when I was drowning. I almost abandoned it. Through my uninspired days & lack of love for anything my posts became few and far between. But this is a promise - this is my oath to remain loyal to 'alittlefeisty' - for it has served me well.

Please excuse grammar and spelling mistakes. I am tired & have noticed even when I am not tired, my writing has become well & truly poor. Which frustrates me! I add in letters, get things scrambled, miss things out and sometimes even make up my own words. I'm considering creating my own dictionary. On the cover it shall say "A Dictionary for all those on medications that make your brain a sloppy hot damn mess" - I think it's pretty catchy. So yes, apologies.

So I am not too sure what will come of this post. I don't know what I intend to say. I'm just letting it happen.
I guess I should start where I left off with my last update. My Skydive was incredible. Absolutely beyond words and I managed to raise over £1000 for Mind, the mental health charity. I was proud. For one of the first times in my life, I felt proud. As my readers & most people who have followed my story know - this is something I rarely feel. It's horrible to admit you hold such a low opinion of yourself, when everyone around you says differently, but it's true. It's something I live with and am learning to change - but this made me beam with pride.  As I sat in the little plane in my beautifully fetching hat, goggles and attractive all-in-one - all fear left my body. I wasn't scared. I smiled..and smiled..and smiled. I made sure to take in every second. I stared out the window at the ground below, took a deep breath and felt my heart absolutely leap with excitement. I couldn't believe it. As we broke through the light cloud..I knew this was the silver lining I had been waiting for. This was my purpose. I was here for a reason! Who would have thought that this time last year, I would be strong enough to do this. My small steps to stability had reached the sky. Nothing prepares you for that feeling of jumping out. I'll admit, a sudden swear word shouted it's way out of my mouth - but I think that's allowed! I had done it, taken the leap from 12,000ft. After 45 seconds of an adrenaline filled 'AM I GOING TO DIE' screaming marathon...the parachute opened & I was crazy happy. I danced in the air, literally. I wanted to pinch myself to make sure this was actually me. As I landed (nearly hitting a sheep and landing in it's doodah) a sneaky lump decided to form in my throat and tears of pure awesome started to fall. Look how far I had come. Overcoming inner battles and sticking two fingers up to the impossible! Raising all that money for a charity so close to my heart. A charity that works extremely hard everyday to help people like me. Help beat the stigma and fight for us.

I would like to take this opportunity to thank everyone who donated & believed in me! I am forever grateful and will always remember the kindness you have shown. To you, it may have just been something small..but to me it was the world.

Unfortunately, with every 'high' there inevitably seems to be a low. It's painful to say it after such an incredible experience - but the hype & build up has now led to a little dark place. It's safe to say that even with medications and treatment - I am still suffering from the overwhelming highs and lows of the illness in my demanding brain. I'm feeling everything a little too much. Everything is either fabulous and perfect...or down right shit. Don't get me wrong, I am much MUCH better & will continue to fight my way through it, but this blog is about honesty and is here to show a true reflection on exactly what happens. There is no beating around the bush. The past few weeks have not been my greatest. I haven't handled it too well either. I began to shut myself away - or go out and drink too much - which is not smart, neither recommended. I slipped back into a few old habits and I quickly became swamped with negativity and hopelessness. Fear not though - this will not beat me. I am lucky to be surrounded by people who care & go the extra mile to show it. I still have my beautiful family standing tall & my most treasured friends by my side. I will come out the other side - we know this - I've done it before. I have now been referred to Psychotherapy along with seeing my Psychiatrist & Support Worker. I have my army. I have faith.

We must remember  - the most important people in life are the ones who love you...when you aren't very lovable. "Remember anyone can love you when the sun is shining. In the storms is where you learn who truly cares for you"..

That's me over and out for now - just an update whilst letting 'alittlefeisty' become what she once was.

Surrender to what is.
Let go of what was.
Have faith in what will be.

x

It's been a while.

Long time no see readers. It's been some time since I last properly blogged. Things have changed quite dramatically - and with a deep breath & heart a flutter, I can tell you...the change is positive. I am almost too scared to say it and I want to touch every piece of wood in the world - but I am genuinely, for the first time in what feels like decades, happy. Since I have come back from holiday, I suddenly feel smiling is coming naturally. Colour is seeping it's way in from the darkness that once corrupted my little world. There is less fog gathering itself around my soul & all worth and purpose is finding it's way home. Myself and my family cannot believe how far I have come. We are all aware, however, this little monster inside my head is with me for life. It will never go away forever. My medications have done their job amazingly & will carry on doing so whilst I carry on living the life I so want to fulfill. Fulfill with love, feistyness, adventure & fun. The light at the end of my tunnel is so very much closer & my small steps have undoubtedly and gradually turned into little pixie leaps! I certainly hope with all I have, that this feeling lasts. I never want to go back to the bad places I once took myself. I never want to feel that pain again. I know that the word 'never' means nothing...but for now - I can only be thankful - thing's are better. Who knows where my ups & downs will take me.
Even writing this has made me completely emotional. Sometimes, I am still overwhelmed by the roads I have been driven down. I can't quite believe it. But we cannot live in the past, we cannot exist only to face negativity. We must not let our past demons ruin our chances of an incredible survival. We must only let our fought battles make us stronger. Learn and carry on. We all have it within us. During our most darkest days, our most ugly truths and our shattered dreams - we have to live for hope. There is always hope. We must take pride in our own capabilities. We must learn to let go & love ourselves. It's something noone can teach. It's something that you will one day learn - from your inner self - screaming inside to be noticed...whaling and shouting to get out. Find it...and peace will come.

I am happier, healthier & my wings will one day be free for me to fly.

Speaking of wings. I am definitely 100% going to be doing a skydive - raising money for Mind, the mental health charity. Next month, 19th October - I will be jumping out of a plane. Yes, I am scared but it's completely and utterly worth it.
I have been left beyond speechless by everyone's support over the past year and I would be absolutely ecstatic if all you wonderful, kind hearted people could do this one last thing for me. I desperately want to raise enough money to change a life. Mind is an incredible charity. They fight everyday to help people like me. Some never make it as far as I have come but with your support - that could change. Everyone deserves a life worth living. Please help. Even the smallest donation. I want my flight to be worth while. I would be so so proud of myself, for the first time in years, if I can do this. This charity will be there for me if I suddenly fall again. If my life is once again corrupted by an uneven turbulence...Mind will carry on fighting. You have no idea how happy it would make me. Thankyou for believing in me. I never thought I could do this.
 http://www.doitforcharity.com/crisijumps


"Something has changed within me. Something is not the same. I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game. Too late for second guessing. Too late to go back to sleep. It's time to trust my instincts, close my eyes...and leap"

Crisi. x

Taking the leap.

A few days ago, I made a pretty big decision. One that I am sticking to! It's not a random act of madness or an episode of utter mania kicking in (honestly)... it's just something I want to do, with all my heart!

I have decided to do a sponsored skydive for charity! Of course, I will be jumping for MIND the mental health charity. Anyone who knows me, knows this is a pretty big deal. Right now, I am excited... but I am sure there will be tears on the day. Anxiety is something I face on a daily basis - along with the other crazies in my brain! So words cannot describe how much fear will be pumping round my body! Why you ask?
I want to do something to be proud of. I want to feel that pride within myself. I want to land..all in one piece..knowing I have achieved something completely awesome. I want to raise money for an incredible cause. A charity that supports people like me & has endless campaigns to BEAT THE STIGMA. Too many times I feel my life is pointless. Too many times I feel unworthy. Too many times I am overwhelmed by this existence....but if the money I raise can go towards helping atleast one person, I just know I will wake up feeling closer to my goal of inner peace. My demons will settle & I can say "I am proud of myself".

When I have my JUMP date & sponsor details, I will post. I would be forever happy & extremely thankful for any donations. Alot of people have followed my story & I am always so overwhelmed by your support.

As far as my 'story' goes.. I will write again soon. Things have been...here, there & everywhere!
I'm going away soon - going to be amazing to get away. So very needed!

I shall leave you with this song :)
Hope everyone is smiling. Be strong, be brave. x

Stand tall.

Hi world,

APOLOGIES FOR MISTAKES - I am dozy as hell.

I'm writing this from the comfort of bed with that 'I've just shaved my legs & moisturised' feel going on against the duvet. It's beautiful - of course, it's not a rare occasion. I am a goddess of all things beauty & pampering..... ehem.
I've had a mixed few weeks & today I received some more results from blood tests. Turns out it's probably my medication that's making me unwell & not certain foods. I am aware I have a small stomach & still have to eat little & often to control my tummy turns & bowel problems (NICE).... but I have mixed reactions to the results.  Of course, without a doubt it's going to be much easier going back to eating 'allowed' food and especially better for my lovely parents who have been forking out to buy me the 'free from' ranges of absolute crap. Don't get me wrong, cutting out things from my diet helped - as it would anyone... but I was still left with hideous things happening! It's just now, I have the matter of having to tell my psychiatrist (who I am still slowly warming to) that it really is the medications making me feel like complete shit. Apparently it's common... apparently I am suppose to be thankful that mentally I am mending myself & to put up with the physical sickness. Similar to those of us having problems with weight gain. Yes, I would rather a healthier brain - but when you have severe self image issues putting up tents & camping through your body - its very hard to be happy about putting on the pounds - darn these stupid orange & pink pills. I know lots of people have the same problem.
So we'll see what happens medication wise.

I had a bit of breakdown whilst showering the other day. My hair was coming out by the handful. I grabbed my towel and ran out sobbing to my mum, who comforted me as always. She told me it was 'malting season' and reassured me that her hair comes out too.I just know it's another massive side effect of my pretty coloured crazy pills. Luckily my mother blessed me with thick hair!

On to lighter, fluffier & yummier things. The baking is back!!
It was on my goals list to get creative with all things scrumptious. SO here they are... let me introduce you to;

Chocolate Indulgence Cupcakes

and

  Wonderful Whoop Ass Whoopie Pies

You could say I am possibly a genius in the kitchen! I really love it too. I urge anyone with a brain like mine, or even anyone who just wants to find peace of mind for a while to preheat their ovens & get cracking the eggs. Not only does it settle the storms raging within me but it gives me a sense of worth...knowing I am doing something worthwhile & for other people to enjoy.

So, I have now (under the instruction of my psych) started a proper mood diary & 'trap' chart. Below is a picture! The piece of paper on top is the quick example the p.doc drew for me!

I will be monitoring my moods using these seven headings..

1.Mood

2.Event

3.Change in mood

4.How I dealt with it

5.Short term effect

6.Long term effect

7.Alternation

We will be looking for patterns & ways of overcoming triggers! I will gradually learn how to handle certain situations by familiarising myself with alternations and gradually adjusting the way my brain works. Apparently this can be overwhelming, but my life is slowly and surely getting it's sunshine back -  so bring it on! :)

People who I know personally have already seen this but I wanted to share my latest tattoo with all my awesome followers & readers. This is number 7 and I love it. Giraffes are my most favourite animal in the world & the message behind it means alot to me during this time!

I'm already wanting tattoo number 8 - to the excitment of my poor grandmother. 

So, I am still massively into my photography & I have taken on a brand spanking new project. Unpaid & simply for me. To keep me sane HAHA. I am not going let anyone in on it...just yet! But I have been massively influenced by one of the greats & have already given it all my focus...pardon the pun. 

I am aware I am whipping through these events like a tramp on a sandwich. I am pretty tired & my brain is wandering elsewhere. These past few days have been beautiful in the sun & I have been away from home staying with the bestie. It's kept my mind much more active & it's incredibly lovely acting like a silly child with someone all day. Tonight we went for an evening walk to the shop and bought a shit load of pick'n'mix. It's been sat in the shop for years & tastes like decorations that sit in the loft and come out once a year..but we can handle it.

This part always scares me where I post youtube videos. Another goal was to dust of the guitar and tune my pipes again... so I gave it a go. Please excuse the 'ropyness' of both aspects. Also probably best to listen with head phones...so you can actually pick up the guitar! :) If you are reading from a mobile device...the videos may not show!

I wish you all peaceful nights & restful days :)

Stand tall.

x

Will you be there?

I haven't sat down to write in over a month. I'm not sure I'll even be able to babble something out now.
Things are strange. I don't know how to describe it. My creativity and ability to write is still banished to a far & forgotten land. I don't know how I let it happen...and I don't know when it's coming back. I'm still putting it down to my dosage of Depakote, because even when my brain has been led down the road to the craziest of places - I have still been able to write. Bursts of energy or typed up thunderstorms - I've been able to do it. But my lack of everything is obvious. I am distracted by everything. I am slow and yet fidgeting at once. My brain will not occupy itself happily for too long. Success, however, has been achieved in the fact that I picked up and have been playing my old friend again. After endless times of this being my main goal when walking out the mental health clinic.... I have finally put a big fat tick next to it! My guitar. The strings that saw me through some of my first experiences of 'crazy' places. The familiar sound I played back when my life started changing. I am happy to say - I am enjoying it. Obviously - my playing skills aren't quite up to scratch, but hopefully I won't let this one go again. It proves, slowly and surely, step by step - things can change. I hope they do for you too.
So, a fair few things have been happening. Not all I can remember - because my heads all over the place in it's usual Crisi 'who the hell am I' bubble...
I received some pretty shocking news not long ago (which I won't go into detail about) but it shook me up... as shocking news often does. I spent a good few hours sat staring blankly into space, then appeared my usual cleaning routine. Out came the pledge, toilet cleaner & various other products that should be banned from my reach. A couple of years ago, I was literally forbidden from cleaning. Humorous eh? When I had my own home, I was most definitely out of control. I am pleased to say - I recovered from the intensity, but still sometimes slip back into old ways. Especially under such stressful circumstances. So after an awesome, 'walking round the house with the hoover workout', I blanked everything from my mind. I stopped crying.
A few days later, my body became fueled by anger. Still, the tears remained within. This being something different to the news from earlier in the week. My soul felt belittled, damaged and wrath- ridden. My body felt tense and uneasy. I started applying for job after job and my nights, once again, became sleepless. We all know I'm not ready to work & this was confirmed again a few days ago by my Psychiatrist (who I am slowly beginning to like - GIGANTIC HURRAH.) I don't know what possessed me to start applying - a sudden rush I guess. I want to be doing so much! I lay here at nights, eyes wide open, imagining I'm running away! I see my life with the fast forward button being pressed firmly down by a massive god-like hand. I want to do everything and see everything in one night.

I guess for now, I'll have to stick to my volunteering & keep my racing thoughts at bay.

After the come-down from my anger, I took the time to thank my loyal & most incredible friends for standing by my side. The angels of my world who allow me to be myself, but never judge and always understand. The people who can simply just send a short text to let me know I am being thought of. The people who know that on the surface things may seem normal, but within the depths of this illness, I am still needing my friends more than ever. They are the heroes of my story. The remarkable people who are able to accept my silences and then welcome me back fondly upon my return to the normal world - no questions asked. The ones who have held me during my outbursts & my turbulence. The ones who calm my energy when I need to be cleansed. The saying is true, as simple as it may be....it's during times like this..you find out who your true friends are. And though sometimes we feel so terribly lonely. So awfully disgusting and frightfully incapable of having friends. We feel we are unable to trust .We distance ourselves so much from life during the brain-testing times we forget we are loved. And we are. Believe it. Your stars will shine through. Maybe not now, but someday...they will. And if someone you know is suffering from a mental health illness - make their day... ask them how they are. Don't be afraid. We don't bite! Only sometimes ;)

I know this post seems pitiful - having written so little after a month of not writing... but I'm afraid I'm just not feeling it. Atleast I can tick it off my target list this week - along with playing the guitar. All in all my therapy with the Psych is going well & soon I will be receiving my outside treatment.  I now have a new social worker, who is very lovely - but of course I am missing the wonderful Lauren who I truly believe I wouldn't be as well as I am if it wasn't for her.

I am hoping all my followers & readers are keeping well. Sending all my love, keep your heads held high.

Crisi

x

The words to this song mean so very much to me...

Sing song.

Really enjoyed singing with my girl yesterday, thought I would share :)

x

"Do not judge, do not assume"

Ladies and Gentleman, boys & girls.... look - I'm writing a blog post.
A rare occassion, can you believe it? I'm almost certain that it's going to take me hours even just to write a few paragraphs...with constant food breaks, drink breaks, naps & tv daydreaming. (I'm also in the process of transferring kazillions of pictures on to discs - hurrah to photography)

I don't really know where to start with this one. I feel as though I have a thousand things to say, but this blockage on my brain still isn't budging. I should probably go back to writing things down as they happen - to make a more interesting and varied read.... but you'll get what you're given folks.

Alas... I've eaten dinner & watched a fair amount of television inbetween this paragraph and the last. Today I have eaten 3 square meals and not overly snacked...success, however my stomach is still bloated to the size of a football and i'll probably have some buttery microwavable popcorn later - complete and utter fail.
-----

Three days have just past. You think I'm kiddin'? I assure you... I'm not!
Lots has happened since I last sat down to type properly & I feel like my canvas has been scribbled on with black & grey crayons by a challenging 5 year old child...probably slightly chewed & soggy too. Nothing I want to say is coming out right!! So instead of being flouncy with my words, I'm going to draw it in, take it back & whack out a simple list of what's what!

1.  My medication dosage has gone up. Those little mg's of Depakote have increased & it's the biggest thrill of my life (as is sarcasm)... Yes, I had the pleasure of sitting with my psychiatrist again (who I constantly have to remind myself is called Bob & is deaf in one ear - no-one called Bob & slightly deaf can be scary & serpent-like) The man does intimidate me though. I'm not sure if it's his power & authority or just his cold nature.To be fair,  I've been told he is actually a lovely man & I think I did see the beginnings of a slight smile. I had to bring up unwanted feelings and speak about hospital, I walked out without having a complete melt down though - so success and a mini 'GO ME' was there somewhere & celebrated.

2. With more meds, comes more side effects - I've pretty much been nailing my daily routines. But I have a feeling it's going to hit me like a sack of shit. I already feel awful and the tiredness is coming back in force. But I'll soldier on :) Headaches are coming & going and weight is being gained (all normal for bullcrap Depakote). I've now started to change my diet AGAIN after another trip to hospital. I went for a scan on my ovaries & left with no results because they couldn't find the sneaky things ..after an external & internal...why you ask!? Because my bowels were enlarged, swollen & moving too much. YAY to bodies. I knew something was wrong anyway but have been unaware as to what was causing it. Taking Quetiapine caused horrible tummy problems - which disappeared when I changed meds. Anyway, blah blah - this & that. I am now back to a Gluten free diet to see if it stops the volcanic reactions and eruptions in my pop belly. Like I said, I'm gaining weight & it's causing insecurities to creep up on me. Everyone is being most lovely and of course saying 'oh well it doesn't show' - but I've weighed myself, the facts are there looking up at me. Most people are probably pretty pleased that I look 'healthy'...after endless bouts of dropping weight, but I don't feel great and I am worried that this higher dosage will only make it worse. Once I get my energy back & don't feel like a converse wearing, blonde haired slug... I'll hopefully be able to get a hold on it!

3. My wee smells more & more like the pills I pop every morning & night. NICE!

4. My speech has started to slur here & there and lovingly been pointed out & laughed at! I'm forgetting words & am generally a bundle of confusion.

5. I found a grey hair - later confirmed by my hairdresser. Since grey hairs within the family do not normally appear until much later in life, I'm putting it down to stress, sticking my middle finger up to it & attempting to forget the whole thing. Hats & hair dye for christmas & birthday presents please.

6.  Something made me very sad & angry last week. It's not necessarily due to a person at fault. Just the naivety and misunderstanding of the world.  "You don't need to take them do you, you are fine when I see you" - that being a response I received when texting a friend about my hate for the medications & side effects. It blew my mind that someone could be so blind. I had to take a step back & remind myself that not everybody has researched, understands or even cares about mental illness...True, illnesses like depression can be treated successfully, without signs of relapse. But many mental illnesses are CHRONIC, this means medications are taken everyday for aslong as a person lives...in order to keep them as healthy as possible. Just like someone with diabetes would treat their problem. I am getting through it, because I am taking drugs. I have a chemical imbalance in my brain...that doesn't just disappear..  infact...if left untreated it's almost 100% certain to get worse. I do not expect people to understand, but I do believe a little more tact and thought would help alot of people along the road to acceptance & recovery. I honestly do believe alot of people have denied themselves of the facts. Living with a mental illness is more often than not life long and it's down to a persons strength, power & sheer determination to wake up every day & not be beaten by it. And believe me, I'm trying. Recognise it for what it is. It's real. Do not judge, do not assume.

7. This week was mental health week. I would like to share this with you. Please take the time to watch..

8. Today I am having a bad day. Infact the past few days have left me feeling numb. So it seems, it would be my brain reacting to all the hustle & bustle, plans & photography that the last weeks have encountered. I took on alot and though I enjoyed it, I gave myself the most responsibility I've had since....well you know. I'm irritable, groggy, creativeLESS, passionateLESS & full of self-loathing. Perhaps the dosage increase is a good thing, perhaps it will get the balance right...once I'm used to this bruised body feeling. I am very thankful as always to my wonderful family. I am also truly grateful to have the ongoing love & support from my bestfriend Martin. Yes, our relationship has been a complicated one..but everyday I feel lucky to still have you in my life. It's been so comforting spending time with you & I cannot thank you enough for wiping my tears when I cry and calling me beautiful when I feel most ugly. I am really proud of you. 

That's me done for today... I have Mental Health Clinic next week, where I will be meeting someone new....as my lovely Lauren is leaving. Nervous about the change over...as I started to feel so comfortable. I am then seeing my Psychiatrist again the week after... so I'll be back with an update :)

I hope all my loyal readers are doing well, holding their heads high & smiling as much as possible.

You are not alone.

Crisi x 

Today I did this.

Meds are making me tired & I'm 100% gaining weight...

but today I did this! Which is progress.

(excuse the poor recording)

Popular - Wicked the Musical

x

And as if by fate...

"Can I sail through the changing ocean tides? Can I handle the seasons of my life?"

Before I write, to make what I am about to say make sense.. I just want to give you some background information... Many of my friends & family who read my blog will already know this - but to my incredible readers who I do not personally know..it may be helpful. From the age of about 13, I was completely spellbound by musical theatre & performing arts. I was transfixed. I definitely wasn't the annoying kid with pushy parents. I wasn't signed up to every agency & I didn't feel the need to perform at every get together. I just loved it with everything I had, quietly & genuinely. With the twists & turns of my life and mind... I slipped further away from my dreams. I couldn't focus. Nothing was the same & everything changed. The girl who's smile would be found on the stage fell down a rabbit hole of confusion ...and once that confidence was lost..it never fully surfaced again. The magic was still there but the belief was gone.

As I sat down yesterday, surrounded by the sights & sounds of Kings College Hospital London, I nestled my backside into the bench, tucked my legs up & crossed them safely. Enclosed and snuggled in my over-sized bag lay the book I had brought along for 'reading', but with the potential to spend the afternoon improving my ever-growing 'people watching' skills - it was obvious the book was going to remain buried under all the other useless junk.

The 'people watching' talents I proudly possess have been passed down by my Grandmother, who we often find captivated in other peoples conversations, regularly edging closer to the point of no return...and joining in..something we all love her for greatly. My Grandma was the reason behind yesterdays visit & I was happy to be there whilst she met with a surgeon, - who she later referred to as being 'hunky'. Families stick together.

So whilst I battled between the continuous decision of either reading, pretending to be on my phone or gaze intensely at the various comings & goings of hospital life... a young man sat down opposite me.

I briefly looked up & noticed the man was wearing some sort of hospital clothing. I don't mean the sort you are given that strips you of all your dignity, shows your bum & leaves you feeling like a worthless bottomless pit of shit when you put it on.... I mean work clothes. He worked there! 

I scrolled through my phone - social networking & texting friends & thought nothing of the young Chinese man. It took me about 10 minutes to realise he was awkwardly moving his body closer to me & then hesitantly bringing himself back. His fidgeting didn't unnerve me but I carried on looking down at my phone. 

Then, something completely unexpected happened. A friendly voice encouraged me to look up & take notice. 

"Excuse me, are you an artist?"

 It was only then, through speech & actually noticing his welcoming smile, did it come to my attention the young man had special needs. He looked at me thoughtfully, whilst tilting his head but was unable to keep eye contact. His face was kind & I immediately warmed to him. For a second I didn't take in the question being asked. I was slightly confused but at the same time, drawn to this stranger. "No" I replied with a shy giggle. He almost looked dissapointed. "Why?" I asked...still intrigued & now tilting my head to one side with a smile. He went on to ask if I was an artist in any way & what I did as a profession. Again, I was baffled by the question & I didn't think completely straight. I told him I was a very creative person. I loved to paint but didn't do it professionally & as I am currently not working...I have been enjoying photography & have a few professional jobs lined up. All this came out in a big blur of slurred rubbish...

He grinned cheekily & tapped his forehead... "Thought so". 

He went on to tell me that he was born with a sixth sense. This wonderful man, who couldn't have been much older than me, explained how he had the ability to see someones strengths & talents. He was able to see the positives of someones future. He told me that he had been looking at my chin & was able to tell I was an artist. I was still thrown by the word 'artist' - I studied art yes, & really am a very creative person... but to give myself that title wouldn't feel right...

Until..

He looked at me meticulously & deeply. With another comforting smile, he went on to talk about performing. He spoke with fondness about performers & being on the stage. As if he knew...

He could tell it was my passion & in the darkest depths of my heart...is the only thing I've truly wanted to do. A complete stranger. A face I had never seen before. An unlikely person.. was sat there telling me I was an artist. A performing artist. He shared his thoughts with me. I couldn't believe it. This turn of fate. For at my lowest & during this testing time of confidence, I had been in the right place at the right time to be told...I was believed in. His words meant a thousand things. He insisted I would do well and great things were to come.

Could this mean, maybe..one day...Crisi will be back!?

"But I will hold on hope & I won't let you choke on the noose around your neck. And I'll find strength in pain and I will change my ways. I'll know my name as it's called again. Cause I need freedom now and I need to know how, to live my life as it's meant to be"

Keep smiling readers...be bold, be strong & believe.

x

Oh hey look, a blog post.

Look at me updating my blog - which has become somewhat of a rarity due to narcoleptic bouts of needing to fall asleep...I do not have narcolepsy, just to clear things up. I have also been lacking enthusiasm, passion & a brain in general - but I'm led to believe that's pretty normal on Depakote. I'm a slurring bubble of confusion most of the time now - but hey, I'm still awesome right? Of course I want to update my loyal & wonderful readers...& I do still feel like 'alittlefeisty' undoubtedly helps me. However, this is my main reason for this evenings post;

This is what I came away with from the Mental Health Clinic the other day...

Which I don't mind at all. I am lucky to be seeing an awesome person with equally awesome handwriting (ehem).... and these are my goals for the next few weeks.

(just to confirm, this isn't serpent snake psychiatrist we are talking about - though my next appointment with him is slowly slithering forward)

As you can see 'update blog' was high on the list.... I know I have let myself slip a little! The past few weeks feel like they have been written in a useless faint HB pencil, smudged & rubbed out - without energy or the urge to start over more boldly. What I mean is...everything is just a little blurry, shaded & colourless. I hope my canvas is soon splattered with throws of vibrant paint again. Powerful positive imprints that remain! It's almost as if I am like a ship trapped inside it's possessive bottle; I know my importance, I know my capabilities & I know my journey needs to be voyaged further - but thus far, pieces of me are still confined.

SO booking a GP appointment was fairly straight forward...and I was sent for blood tests! Infact this afternoon was a fabulous day out on the NHS. Sarcasm at it's finest. Hospitals don't necessarily scare me, but they obviously (of course) aren't the nicest place to be. Atleast this time - I remember my actual arrival through the front doors ;) So a little vampire needle sucked my blood as I stared blankly at the old guy in the cubical opposite - knowing full well I would have to get used to this sort of thing - being on the 'crazies' drugs! Short & sharp and it was done. I was disappointed I didn't receive a sticker or a lolly pop...or some sort of reward for being a brave girl! Instead, I wandered out, found my mum & we made our way to xray! 

I waited 45mins.... sitting in an attractive hospital gown, before my chest was pressed against some yucky looking machine. I'm pretty sure I turned heads by how stunning I looked. Handsome doctors were practically falling over my feet...

Can't say I enjoyed the experience... but I'm having some 'complications' with medications... so it's better to be safe than sorry! And even though I am trying to keep a humour to this post - today hasn't been a great one within the mind - but I'm still going! I'll be back to the hospital within a few weeks for more tests & things - so I've exchanged numbers with every single fit doctor in the building - so they can prepare themselves before seeing me again. Breath spray, neat hair etc.

Oh look! 'Try not to sleep during the day' has made an appearance on the list. Without sounding like a dreadfully lazy person... it's proving to be extremely hard. My body feels almost bruised with tiredness sometimes. It's around 3pm that I start to feel myself go. Just to confirm - I am on horrific sedating meds people. It's mind numbingly sad to really not feel in control - but I am doing my best! Night times my body is still overwhelmed with loneliness & it's at that point I find it hard to drift off. Patterns & routines are all over the place somewhat, even though everyday I aim to improve them. My weight is yoyoing through gym days, non gyms days, fruit days & 'fill up my belly now' days. I'll get there in the end! Going to the gym has proven to be helpful with structure & given me a reason to move on days where everything is an effort.... Even though I become tired very easily & look like a damn mess upon leaving - and arriving for that matter! 

Referring back to the list...my photography is still getting alot of interest & I have a few things lined up in the way of work :) Which is truly brilliant. I have been doing a course since last year, but what with everything that's been happening... sticking to it regularly was a little tricky! Gradually I'll get back into it though & start snapping away for my website! Which happens to be.... www.crisijaynephotography.co.uk 

As I have built up a beautiful amount of readers, followers & google+ers... I'd just like to share the company that designed and built my site www.mkt-e.com - check them out if you are in need of awesome prices & quality results. 

The people who continue to be amazing are still being amazing. Having my sister home from University has allowed our family to have some real quality time together & I feel much more stable when she is here. My family are undeniably incredible & as someone recently told me...I am 'blessed'. My mother is being strong & brave for us all. Neither my sister or I would have half the strength we have... without her.  

I have been socialising alot more, which is great...and am thankful to the friends who love me for me! :)

Well, my brain has decided to give up. I will try & update more regularly ...so I remember things that have happened! Keep smiling all.... and believe in better days ahead!  x

A poem.

This is a poem I have written....
Simply titled,

"Mental Health"  - because this is for everyone.
alcohol abuse, substance abuse, anorexia nervosa, anxiety disorder, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, bulimia nervosa, depression, obsessive compulsive disorder, schizophrenia...

I do not write of things untrue and speak only the honest from my heart

No pretence or false amongst my words, only the truth unravels apart

For I speak on behalf of those who have fallen and battled with the pain

The demons within our souls and the monster lurking within our brain

For when the storm approaches and wraps its phantom thunder around

The lightening threatens above us sending shocking waves through the ground

Our world is quickly changing from a silence calm and clear

A world we were untold of and a world that screams of fear

Slowly creeping forwards or all of a sudden its just there

No way to stop the creature once you're trapped within its lair

Tangled in time and stuck, for aslong as it keeps you caught

A fight that feels so lost, a fight that cannot be taught

For until you feel its wrath, its hatred and its force

You’ll never truly know, the disrupt of its course

Voyaging through waves, over paths that hurt ahead

 Its strength clings to skin, with every word unsaid

Silence sleeps amongst us, while we deny our very needs

Lips stitched tight too fiercely, but inside out inner self pleads

We know we need the help and courage to overcome

The restless weight inside, the monster we've become

I pray that we find sunshine, amongst the rain that falls so cruel

Our bodies will stand taller, the bodies in which we'll rule

As we beat the beasts that caught us, residing within us no more

We will take control and be braver than before.

Crisi

x

Sometimes...

Sometimes you don't want someone to simply say "you'll be fine".
You want them to hold you close, understand the pain you feel and say...
"I know how scared you are" <3

Don't be afraid.

Wow, today I woke up to over 400 more views on here ....than what I had last night! Truly thankful to Denise Welch (Loose Women) for retweeting the link to my blog on her twitter. She too has traveled a mental health recovery journey and is now working hard to 'beat the stigma'

I thought I would go back a fews steps, just for new readers to catch up...
Firstly, here's a link to a post I wrote a while back http://alittlefeisty.blogspot.co.uk/2013/01/a-story.html

My world changed from the age of about 17. Everyday pressures got the better of me. Paranoia and anxiety kicked in. Self hate & self doubt chained itself around my body and swallowed the key. As I grew older.. I was literally a roller-coaster of a human being. Except sometimes, it felt like my safety bar had been forgotten about. I wasn't strapped safely into my seat & had no control over which way I was flung. As if I was clinging on daily to some sort of normality. My moods changed uncontrollably. I no longer became able to 'shrug it off'. My body and brain rejected any form of self- reasoning & I found myself flicking between lands of excitment, impulse and motivation - to worlds of depression, darkness and doom.

It's only recently that I have started talking about my years with the self-destruct button turned on! No longer could it be kept hidden. Of course, admitting my problems was the hardest thing. Talking to what seems like hundreds of professionals, over & over - is physically & mentally draining. But in the long run - I know it's most definitely going to be worth it. I still have moments where I think 'No, this can't be happening to me... I'm fine'. Countless times I have looked at my box of pills and thought 'Do I really need you?' But the honest answer is yes. Yes it is happening & yes I need them. It's not a weakness and it's nothing to be ashamed of. Being frightened is natural. But being brave is better...

Face the fear and kick it's butt.

Sometime's the hardest thing, is the fear of rejection and belief. We keep ourselves locked up, incase we are labelled as 'attention seeking', incase our real life and very real illness is not accepted. I've been there & felt it. Hold it within yourself and take pride in the fact that you have been strong enough to overcome the small minded folk. Never forget, that just as you would take medication for diabetes or seek help if you become life-threateningly ill - YOU are allowed to feel worthy of getting help for this too. Just because the illness isn't something you can see or remove, doesn't make it any less real. This has become all the more obvious after I was recently in hospital following an episode. A reminder of just how serious it can be. Be courageous. Medications, side effects, meetings, therapy, psychiatrists and life style changes .... are all but small things compared to the beautiful life you could live.

You can't change the past. But the future can be worked on :)
Thankyou for all the views and follows. It means everything to me! For I too.. am just a 23 year old girl trying to find my place in this crazy world.

I shall post some links to a few previous posts that I enjoyed writing :)
Love Crisi x

A painting...
http://alittlefeisty.blogspot.co.uk/2013/01/a-painting.html

A hero...
http://alittlefeisty.blogspot.co.uk/2012/12/a-hero.html

The good things...
http://alittlefeisty.blogspot.co.uk/2012/11/the-good-things.html

A dream come true
http://alittlefeisty.blogspot.co.uk/2012/12/a-dream-come-true.html

Inspirational?
http://alittlefeisty.blogspot.co.uk/2012/11/inspirational.html

.....Have a look in the side panel for more :) Have a great day!

x

Update, a little longer than the last!

Evening everyone,
The last time I updated my blog - I had just come out of a rather nasty place in my head. A place I hope I won't see again, but the twists and turns are of course, still unpredictable. I am however feeling much more at ease with the world & gradually getting back into my treatment plan. My visits to the clinic have taken back there weekly spot on the calendar - rather than various 'professionals' making daily appearances at my house. I feel much more comfortable now! Even though I cannot fault their services and kindness...
So, the Quetiapine is gone & since it's hasty banishment from the house...not one extreme leg ache or overly bloated, 9 months pregnant feel have I encountered. However, I have now started on Depakote (divalproex sodium) . And even though my intentions on positivity are high & I am determine not to overwhelm myself with the fear of side effects & future risks....of course I have thought about it. I know everything nowadays comes with that exhausting long 'warning' list... & if we read every small slight detail, we would live in fear of being effected by the most insignificant thing. But, it's fair to say the list is pretty long & Depakote has done some unpleasant things to the majority of people taking it. I wonder if this will be the drug for me? I wonder if this will be the one I'll be taking from now until....forever? I'm already experiencing the sedation - but on I'll go trying my best to battle through it. I'll keep my loyal readers updated on the happenings of my body...
Like I've read through many organisation sites "I'd rather go through the side effects and potential risks, than put myself through another episode" - wise words.

So I have recently finished reading 'A Silver Linings Playbook' - and then decided to watch the film after! The book pulled at my heart strings, the film (as good as it was) failed to do the same. It follows 'Pat Peoples' fight with mental illness, regaining health & finding his 'silver lining' in every way possible. I found it emotionally inspiring & fulfilled me with hope. I would like to share a few quotes from the book with you all....

"Well you have adventures. All start out with troubles, but then you admit your problems and become a better person by working really hard, which is what fertilizes the happy ending and allows it to bloom...."

"I still have a woman in my arms who has suffered greatly and desperately needs to believe once again she is beautiful. In my arms is a woman who knows all my secrets, a woman who knows just how messed up my mind is, how many pills I'm on, and yet she allows me to hold her anyway..."

"But I also know that in the movies, just when the main character is about to give up, something surprising happens, which leads to the happy ending. I'm pretty sure that this is the part of my movie when something surprising will happen...If I have faith, if I go to that special place, something  beautiful will happen..... 'Don't forget your pills' Mum says..."

"I actually want to thankyou for disrupting my life, because I would never have taken the time to improve my character if I did not get sent to the bad place....I know this journey has been for a reason..."

On the days where I'm able to focus and my ever-changing concentration levels are 'normal' ....I will start reading "Detour, My Bipolar Road Trip in 4-D" by Lizzie Simon

By all appearances, Lizzie Simon was perfect. She had an Ivy League education, lots of friends, a loving family and a dazzling career as a theatre producer by the age of 23. But that wasn't enough; Lizzie still felt alone in the world, and largely misunderstood. Having been diagnosed with bipolar disorder as a teenager, she longed to meet others like herself; she wanted to hear the experiences of those who managed to move past their manic-depression and lead normal lives. So Lizzie hits the road, hoping to find "a herd of her own". Along the way she finds romance and madness, survivors and sufferers,and somewhere between the lanes,herself. Part road trip, part love story, Detour is a fast-paced memoir that demystifies mental illness while it embraces the universally human struggle to become whole.


Moving on...
I am now feeling the urge to get physically fit & healthy...Obviously the mental side is being treated too - but I'd rather be a self confessed 'nutter' with toned abs, a sexy butt & fruity insides....

I've been trying to take all the tips from my self-help wall...and even though I often fight my wars with tiredness, motivation and routine.... Excerise and diet are beginning to take shape! Smoothies are something sent from heaven & endless nuts/seeds & dried fruit are serving me well. It's becoming more obvious that I should probably go back to my 'gluten free' days....but my mum's homemade bread is too delicious to turn down at times. Caffeine had been reduced but I'm still not 100% convinced by fruit teas.... who invented that? I want to shoot them.

I'm exercising daily (except for today, because I felt like a sack of shit and barely strung a sentence together, let along worked my body to the sound of Victoria Secret's gym instructors) .... there's always tomorrow!

I have recently become massively hooked to 'Pinterest'....

Feel free to head on over to my page...

https://pinterest.com/crisijayne/

I would like to share with you some of the bits & bobs I have 'pinned' to my boards... 

It's most delightfully therapeutic, but unconditionally addictive.  

I have lots more on there including 'music', 'heroes', 'photography', 'creativity'& 'dreamhouse' - but here's just a taster....

Quotes

Wardrobe

Smile

Likes

I advise anyone...mental illness or not, to go ahead, set up an account & 'pin' away... :)

I'll wrap it up now, but I'll leave with some good news. After finally feeling happy with my current support team & meetings (minus the ongoing fear of my psychiatrist who reminds me of a defence against the dark arts teacher in Hogwarts)...I am going to be put on a 20 week scheme to help me cope with my emotions & behaviours. I will gain skills to help me manage my feelings & triggers. I am actually really looking forward to it...

" You will learn a new 'language' to use in thinking about your disorder and for communicating about your disorder with others in your 'system'..."

"You will work on changing some of the ways you think about yourself, the world, and other people. You will work on specific lifestyle behaviours such as eating, sleep patterns, exercise, leisure activities, physical health and relationships."

"Besides the written materials that you receive, the lessons also use songs, poetry, art activities and relaxation exercises. If you have a special talent for writing poems or creating artwork, you may enjoy sharing this"

The course doesn't start until September, so in the mean time I will be attending everything else I have to attend :) 

Thankyou again & as always, to all the wonderful people who have been there - especially these past few weeks. I am forever in your debt...

I can't help but smile knowing that at the end of April I shall be reunited with my best friend & get to spend a few months with him before duty calls and he leaves again. Those months I shall treasure - for he has seen my beauty when darkness has beckoned my soul.

I would also like to send my prayers, love & thoughts to a very dear friend & her family...Livie. For even through her own struggles, has remained a loyal friend to me. And now, at your lowest low - know I am here for you. I can't imagine how you are feeling, but I know somewhere within you is the strength to see a future. 

I wish you all beautiful days & restful nights 

x