Have faith.

I can't believe it has taken me so long to write. My blog almost seems like a distant memory. This keyboard and 'alittlefeisty' post page were once my trusty bestfriends - seeing me through the journey I was trekking, holding my hand and being there for me when all else had been lost. My little finger tips (normally decorated in a creatively chipped black varnish) used to type away most nights - reporting on the daily waves of emotion that voyaged through my unsettled brain. I can't believe I drifted so far from it. This blog gave me something to hold on to...a safety ring when I was drowning. I almost abandoned it. Through my uninspired days & lack of love for anything my posts became few and far between. But this is a promise - this is my oath to remain loyal to 'alittlefeisty' - for it has served me well.

Please excuse grammar and spelling mistakes. I am tired & have noticed even when I am not tired, my writing has become well & truly poor. Which frustrates me! I add in letters, get things scrambled, miss things out and sometimes even make up my own words. I'm considering creating my own dictionary. On the cover it shall say "A Dictionary for all those on medications that make your brain a sloppy hot damn mess" - I think it's pretty catchy. So yes, apologies.

So I am not too sure what will come of this post. I don't know what I intend to say. I'm just letting it happen.
I guess I should start where I left off with my last update. My Skydive was incredible. Absolutely beyond words and I managed to raise over £1000 for Mind, the mental health charity. I was proud. For one of the first times in my life, I felt proud. As my readers & most people who have followed my story know - this is something I rarely feel. It's horrible to admit you hold such a low opinion of yourself, when everyone around you says differently, but it's true. It's something I live with and am learning to change - but this made me beam with pride.  As I sat in the little plane in my beautifully fetching hat, goggles and attractive all-in-one - all fear left my body. I wasn't scared. I smiled..and smiled..and smiled. I made sure to take in every second. I stared out the window at the ground below, took a deep breath and felt my heart absolutely leap with excitement. I couldn't believe it. As we broke through the light cloud..I knew this was the silver lining I had been waiting for. This was my purpose. I was here for a reason! Who would have thought that this time last year, I would be strong enough to do this. My small steps to stability had reached the sky. Nothing prepares you for that feeling of jumping out. I'll admit, a sudden swear word shouted it's way out of my mouth - but I think that's allowed! I had done it, taken the leap from 12,000ft. After 45 seconds of an adrenaline filled 'AM I GOING TO DIE' screaming marathon...the parachute opened & I was crazy happy. I danced in the air, literally. I wanted to pinch myself to make sure this was actually me. As I landed (nearly hitting a sheep and landing in it's doodah) a sneaky lump decided to form in my throat and tears of pure awesome started to fall. Look how far I had come. Overcoming inner battles and sticking two fingers up to the impossible! Raising all that money for a charity so close to my heart. A charity that works extremely hard everyday to help people like me. Help beat the stigma and fight for us.

I would like to take this opportunity to thank everyone who donated & believed in me! I am forever grateful and will always remember the kindness you have shown. To you, it may have just been something small..but to me it was the world.

Unfortunately, with every 'high' there inevitably seems to be a low. It's painful to say it after such an incredible experience - but the hype & build up has now led to a little dark place. It's safe to say that even with medications and treatment - I am still suffering from the overwhelming highs and lows of the illness in my demanding brain. I'm feeling everything a little too much. Everything is either fabulous and perfect...or down right shit. Don't get me wrong, I am much MUCH better & will continue to fight my way through it, but this blog is about honesty and is here to show a true reflection on exactly what happens. There is no beating around the bush. The past few weeks have not been my greatest. I haven't handled it too well either. I began to shut myself away - or go out and drink too much - which is not smart, neither recommended. I slipped back into a few old habits and I quickly became swamped with negativity and hopelessness. Fear not though - this will not beat me. I am lucky to be surrounded by people who care & go the extra mile to show it. I still have my beautiful family standing tall & my most treasured friends by my side. I will come out the other side - we know this - I've done it before. I have now been referred to Psychotherapy along with seeing my Psychiatrist & Support Worker. I have my army. I have faith.

We must remember  - the most important people in life are the ones who love you...when you aren't very lovable. "Remember anyone can love you when the sun is shining. In the storms is where you learn who truly cares for you"..

That's me over and out for now - just an update whilst letting 'alittlefeisty' become what she once was.

Surrender to what is.
Let go of what was.
Have faith in what will be.

x