Things are strange. I don't know how to describe it. My creativity and ability to write is still banished to a far & forgotten land. I don't know how I let it happen...and I don't know when it's coming back. I'm still putting it down to my dosage of Depakote, because even when my brain has been led down the road to the craziest of places - I have still been able to write. Bursts of energy or typed up thunderstorms - I've been able to do it. But my lack of everything is obvious. I am distracted by everything. I am slow and yet fidgeting at once. My brain will not occupy itself happily for too long. Success, however, has been achieved in the fact that I picked up and have been playing my old friend again. After endless times of this being my main goal when walking out the mental health clinic.... I have finally put a big fat tick next to it! My guitar. The strings that saw me through some of my first experiences of 'crazy' places. The familiar sound I played back when my life started changing. I am happy to say - I am enjoying it. Obviously - my playing skills aren't quite up to scratch, but hopefully I won't let this one go again. It proves, slowly and surely, step by step - things can change. I hope they do for you too.
So, a fair few things have been happening. Not all I can remember - because my heads all over the place in it's usual Crisi 'who the hell am I' bubble...
I received some pretty shocking news not long ago (which I won't go into detail about) but it shook me up... as shocking news often does. I spent a good few hours sat staring blankly into space, then appeared my usual cleaning routine. Out came the pledge, toilet cleaner & various other products that should be banned from my reach. A couple of years ago, I was literally forbidden from cleaning. Humorous eh? When I had my own home, I was most definitely out of control. I am pleased to say - I recovered from the intensity, but still sometimes slip back into old ways. Especially under such stressful circumstances. So after an awesome, 'walking round the house with the hoover workout', I blanked everything from my mind. I stopped crying.
A few days later, my body became fueled by anger. Still, the tears remained within. This being something different to the news from earlier in the week. My soul felt belittled, damaged and wrath- ridden. My body felt tense and uneasy. I started applying for job after job and my nights, once again, became sleepless. We all know I'm not ready to work & this was confirmed again a few days ago by my Psychiatrist (who I am slowly beginning to like - GIGANTIC HURRAH.) I don't know what possessed me to start applying - a sudden rush I guess. I want to be doing so much! I lay here at nights, eyes wide open, imagining I'm running away! I see my life with the fast forward button being pressed firmly down by a massive god-like hand. I want to do everything and see everything in one night.
I guess for now, I'll have to stick to my volunteering & keep my racing thoughts at bay.
After the come-down from my anger, I took the time to thank my loyal & most incredible friends for standing by my side. The angels of my world who allow me to be myself, but never judge and always understand. The people who can simply just send a short text to let me know I am being thought of. The people who know that on the surface things may seem normal, but within the depths of this illness, I am still needing my friends more than ever. They are the heroes of my story. The remarkable people who are able to accept my silences and then welcome me back fondly upon my return to the normal world - no questions asked. The ones who have held me during my outbursts & my turbulence. The ones who calm my energy when I need to be cleansed. The saying is true, as simple as it may be....it's during times like this..you find out who your true friends are. And though sometimes we feel so terribly lonely. So awfully disgusting and frightfully incapable of having friends. We feel we are unable to trust .We distance ourselves so much from life during the brain-testing times we forget we are loved. And we are. Believe it. Your stars will shine through. Maybe not now, but someday...they will. And if someone you know is suffering from a mental health illness - make their day... ask them how they are. Don't be afraid. We don't bite! Only sometimes ;)
I know this post seems pitiful - having written so little after a month of not writing... but I'm afraid I'm just not feeling it. Atleast I can tick it off my target list this week - along with playing the guitar. All in all my therapy with the Psych is going well & soon I will be receiving my outside treatment. I now have a new social worker, who is very lovely - but of course I am missing the wonderful Lauren who I truly believe I wouldn't be as well as I am if it wasn't for her.
I am hoping all my followers & readers are keeping well. Sending all my love, keep your heads held high.
Crisi
x
The words to this song mean so very much to me...
