It's been a while.

Long time no see readers. It's been some time since I last properly blogged. Things have changed quite dramatically - and with a deep breath & heart a flutter, I can tell you...the change is positive. I am almost too scared to say it and I want to touch every piece of wood in the world - but I am genuinely, for the first time in what feels like decades, happy. Since I have come back from holiday, I suddenly feel smiling is coming naturally. Colour is seeping it's way in from the darkness that once corrupted my little world. There is less fog gathering itself around my soul & all worth and purpose is finding it's way home. Myself and my family cannot believe how far I have come. We are all aware, however, this little monster inside my head is with me for life. It will never go away forever. My medications have done their job amazingly & will carry on doing so whilst I carry on living the life I so want to fulfill. Fulfill with love, feistyness, adventure & fun. The light at the end of my tunnel is so very much closer & my small steps have undoubtedly and gradually turned into little pixie leaps! I certainly hope with all I have, that this feeling lasts. I never want to go back to the bad places I once took myself. I never want to feel that pain again. I know that the word 'never' means nothing...but for now - I can only be thankful - thing's are better. Who knows where my ups & downs will take me.
Even writing this has made me completely emotional. Sometimes, I am still overwhelmed by the roads I have been driven down. I can't quite believe it. But we cannot live in the past, we cannot exist only to face negativity. We must not let our past demons ruin our chances of an incredible survival. We must only let our fought battles make us stronger. Learn and carry on. We all have it within us. During our most darkest days, our most ugly truths and our shattered dreams - we have to live for hope. There is always hope. We must take pride in our own capabilities. We must learn to let go & love ourselves. It's something noone can teach. It's something that you will one day learn - from your inner self - screaming inside to be noticed...whaling and shouting to get out. Find it...and peace will come.

I am happier, healthier & my wings will one day be free for me to fly.

Speaking of wings. I am definitely 100% going to be doing a skydive - raising money for Mind, the mental health charity. Next month, 19th October - I will be jumping out of a plane. Yes, I am scared but it's completely and utterly worth it.
I have been left beyond speechless by everyone's support over the past year and I would be absolutely ecstatic if all you wonderful, kind hearted people could do this one last thing for me. I desperately want to raise enough money to change a life. Mind is an incredible charity. They fight everyday to help people like me. Some never make it as far as I have come but with your support - that could change. Everyone deserves a life worth living. Please help. Even the smallest donation. I want my flight to be worth while. I would be so so proud of myself, for the first time in years, if I can do this. This charity will be there for me if I suddenly fall again. If my life is once again corrupted by an uneven turbulence...Mind will carry on fighting. You have no idea how happy it would make me. Thankyou for believing in me. I never thought I could do this.
 http://www.doitforcharity.com/crisijumps


"Something has changed within me. Something is not the same. I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game. Too late for second guessing. Too late to go back to sleep. It's time to trust my instincts, close my eyes...and leap"

Crisi. x