Let me start by saying I have just got back from beautiful St. Ives in Cornwall and I am truly feeling at peace with myself. Who knows how long it will last but something inside this boggled head of mine has changed. I have been refreshed by nostalgic cobbled streets, seaside antics and sunsets that make your hairs stand on end. As I relived my childhood exploring rock pools, having my hair braided in coloured cotton and battling with the pesky seagulls in hope of keeping my Cornish chocolate icecream cone within grip... all my cares flew away with the fresh sea breeze. I sat quietly upon a rock with my unbrushed hair, sun kissed skin and woven bracelets bought that day creeping up my arm. I listened to the waves carefully crash against the shore and took in the sights that gracefully lay before me. It was in this moment that my head and heart let go of all the troubles I had once faced. I smiled, uncontrollably. Life was good. For every memory I used to call a failure, I looked back on and my smile remained. I hadn't failed. I had been living my life exactly how I wanted at the time. I was living for the day. Grabbing life by the balls and going for it. Yes, I'll admit quite often the word 'consequence' did not appear in the Crisi dictionary and some of my quick impulsive actions led my brain down little dark paths. But for every time a black cloud hovered over my world, there were always incredibly awesome times too...and it finally sunk in that these are the times I must be proud of and hold on to. I haven't failed at anything. I have lived my life as it was meant to be. As I sat grinning away, a rush of hope spiraled around my body from head to toe...and it felt amazing! It goes without saying, the nature of this little bug inside my head can turn everything upside and this feeling may not last for long, but who cares! I am coping better everyday. Everyday I am becoming stronger and bounce back even better than before. What a marvelous revelation to have!
So, lets do a quick spew of all things medical for all the fellow up & downers on the system! :)
A while ago another drug was added to the mix to make a spectacular concoction! My mood stabiliser dosage was upped to keep the swings down & I am now taking Sertraline along with the Depakote to help the stronger episodes of depression. Of course, I am still not free from the silly devils but I am much much better. Hurrah. Big cheer...and all that jazz! My body has now got to grips with the side effects and I actually finally feel like I am getting somewhere. It's been a long time coming but it's happening. Without the ongoing support from my insane family & friends, it wouldn't have been possible. As I write in most of my posts...thankyou.
It is also an absolute pleasure to say I have finished one of my therapy courses. Every Wednesday I would sit in a room with people the 'same' as me. Last year, I never thought the day would come. Completing the programme seemed so far away and every inch of me wished it would hurry up and be over. Then, something strange happened. I would find myself every week actually looking forward it. I had grown fond of everyone in that room. I had become used to expressing myself to others and feeling at ease with what I was saying. I felt confident to speak the truth about what happens in my head and found myself enjoying learning about how I am able to save myself. I sat in my little spot every week, some weeks with a smile on my face and other times barely able to control my tears...but every time eager and excited to see what I could take away with me. A million worksheets later and it has now come to an end. I have to admit, it started to worry me that the minute I go it alone again - I may crumble like an apply pudding. However, in my review meeting we put together a little plan for the future and I am comfortable and ready to get going! My one to one therapy is still ongoing until the end of September and then it's back to my care coordinator as & when! So, at last and with my hands patting my back I am able to say...my life is well on the way to becoming what I want again. What I have learnt will stay with me forever & if it so happens I need a little more therapy down the line... I will never be ashamed to have it. It has done wonders. Big, fat, juicy wonders!
So, as I sit here and wrap things up there is a simple message I would like to get across. Never give up. Be who you are. You are you. That's a good thing. No-matter how rough your sea gets there is always a calm water waiting for you. You just have to work hard and find it. It may be miles away or just around the corner, but it is there. :) I am living proof that a life can change if you work hard enough. My journey is far from over and I have so much more to face. But that is not a problem....because I know I can do it.
6 months later and my blog has finally been updated. Who knows what the next 6 months will hold...I can't wait to find out.
x
