Update!

Good afternoon world!
My intention was to blog this morning, after my new daily morning dose of drugs! Hurrah.
Unfortunately the bloody things knocked me out. I've started on Quetiapine - Seroquel & I've heard it is somewhat notorious for it's serious sedation skills. I'm excited about being able to sleep at night, but I don't think I would suit the 'unable to move zombie look' during the day. We'll see how it goes...
I've also heard this beast of a pill can make you balloon in size? Is anyone of my fellow bloggers, 'google+ers'  familiar with this?  I'm not being selfishly shallow when I ask that question, I am just aware it's a common side effect. Unless I suddenly grow a few inches from my 5ft 1 frame, I do not want to gain much weight - I'll look like a plump fruit cake.

I'm sorry it's been a while since I properly blogged! My head has been somewhere far from my body & I couldn't quite find my brain. It's still not safely back yet. I still feel the distance between myself and the keyboard. The life has been unfairly sucked out of me at the moment. My personality is definitely not what it once was. When I used to write my blog, my focus & attention was fixed. I now find myself drifting slowly with unstoppable force.
So nothing major has been happening. I'm exhausted from all things 'mental health clinic'. Talking to more people, going over & over the ins & outs of...everything. It's essential, I know this, but it's uncomfortably draining. Small steps...

I've always been against judging people quickly. But it's something we all do naturally. I've decided I don't like my psychiatrist. Maybe "don't like" is too strong.. but I found him incredibly intimidating & not at once did I feel at ease. His manner was rude. Of course, I had a panic attack upon sitting down in his room - after following his blunt uncaring instructions leading me up the stairs, him walking behind me. I know everything involved is trial & error...from medications, to psychiatrists to therapists and nurses. Somethings may just not be right for you. I'm pretty sure he isn't right for me. Yet again, we'll see what happens...

So inbetween starting this blog & finishing it...I've had to have a bath. I take my second dose at 5 - an hour before dinner & wanted to make sure I had a splash about in water before it perhaps knocked me out again.
Looks like I'll be taking it whilst blogging... as yet again my mind wanders through lost lands & I can't string together a sentence without straying from the screen.

I guess I'll have to give up for today. But before I do... I want to (again) thank my beautiful family & friends for their ongoing support. This time, I would especially like to thank someone who I will always hold dear in my heart. Someone who has seen my light & dark since I was 16 years old. You know who you are...

To finish I would like to post some lyrics. Whilst sitting in the waiting room, before my last appointment a song came on the radio that we are all familiar with. I sat there, happy to hear a song I knew all the words to. Not only did it comfort me, but the lyrics suddenly felt so much more. So next time, in a dreary room with fears & worry seeping through the walls, I will remember...

"Do you ever feel like a plastic bag
Drifting through the wind wanting to start again?
Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards one blow from caving in?

Do you ever feel already buried deep six feet under?
Scream but no one seems to hear a thing
Do you know that there's still a chance for you
'Cause there's a spark in you?

You don't have to feel like a waste of space
You're original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow

Maybe the reason why all the doors are closed
So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road
Like a lightning bolt, your heart will glow
And when it's time you'll know"

x

I'll be back soon!

I know I haven't written in a while & I am too drained and physically/emotionally exhausted to blog in depth at the moment. I haven't abandoned my precious & loyal blog - I will be back.
Thankyou to my beautiful family for your constant support.
Thankyou to the incredible people who are sticking by my side. I hold you all dear in my heart.

x

Fall from grace.

It pains me to write this and so close to my treatment start date.
I wasn't sure I would be able to write at all. I'm feeling extremely numb & completely broken.

I'm writing this to all my followers on various sites who have similar problems. The ones reading my blog because we are all 'helping eachother'.

For once, I will be completely brutal with what I write. I do not intend to upset anybody, but I can no longer hide my dark days away. I've been told to write exactly whats going on and how I feel.
Today was terrible.. A day I want to forget, but am well aware I'll be haunted by it for some time.
I woke up feeling low. Lower than low. I was reluctant to get out of bed... but I hauled myself up, determine to try. It wasn't long before my daily fight met it's match with the demons in my head. Something switched & that was that. Before I knew what was going on, I was putting on my jeans & a jumper.
Suddenly, I was out the door. Heavy snow under my feet - I walked and didn't look back.
I wasn't at my parents & was in an unfamiliar place. Tears pouring down my face - I just kept walking.
It wasn't until I was splashed by a dozen unforgiving cars that I realised how cold I was. My hands were bright red, my feet were drowned in a puddle of soggy jeans and my tears felt like they were turning to ice.
I had been walking for around two hours when it became apparent I was lost. My head was all over the place. Thinking straight - didn't happen. The battery on my phone was nearing dead & I felt like that battery was resembling my dying personality. Everything was an emotional blur. I looked at my phone and had 30+ missed calls from three different people, including my incredible mother. Three people knew I was in a bad way from previous texts I had sent. I found the courage to call my mum, my frosty fingers struggling to move.

The police were then called and I had to knock on the nearest door I could see. I became more and more tearful. My eyes were staring blankly into dark pools & I found it hard to communicate with anyone from that moment onwards. I was passed to & from different people, then medically checked over and stabilized.
I was told I had walked miles and miles away from where I started. I was surrounded by unknown faces & couldn't possibly begin to describe how I felt.
I just wanted to walk away. Walk away all my problems & thoughts. Never looking back.
I know it wasn't the right thing to do, but I just couldn't stop myself.  I've now been left with blistered feet, sore hands, ruined clothes & a broken promise. A promise to make 2013 a positive one. My soul feels far from my body ... a damaged fragile soul that has lost it's way. I pray for a better day tomorrow. In the arms of my family and those who love me.

x

A painting.

Before I sit down to write, my head is filled with all the things I want my small fingers to type. Thousands of conflicting emotions & millions of scattered feelings rotating round my brain. But sometimes, I sit here & it's become apparent I cannot always spill them out through the keyboard. I think from time to time, there's just too many.

I've never really known what I've wanted from life. I've always just sort of gone with the flow. I've made some almighty decisions and have often been a little rapid with my choices. I don't know what relevance this has. I'm unaware as to why I have spoken about it. My mind has run away with itself a step to far and blanked out on me. I guess it just comes to a point where we have to accept what's happened. I could sit for hours, devoting myself to 'what ifs'. Absent minded to anything other than my imagination throwing itself through a lost land of 'should haves & maybes'.

We can't live like that.
Even the inescapable feelings must be banished. The ones you fear will never leave. 'What ifs' must not sit comfortably within us. They must quietly go. The unthinkable can always happen.
Once they do, nothing is destroyed. Your eyes can open to the existent...and not the 'once was'.
You aren't human if you have the ability to do this straight away. Sometimes it takes a while to realise.

Life can be like a painting. A celebrated, familiar creation. For an artist will spend years striving for perfection and yet never find beauty through the flaws. As an outsider, we can only see accomplishment and excellence. Every attribute to the painting, makes it what it is. Every brushstroke, every misjudged placement of the paintbrush, every cover up & every colour.... to the world it is unspoiled & faultless. To the artist, it's something different.
For life is beautiful, if we accept it for what it is. Our painting may have been a persistent struggle to complete... and some, including mine...are far from finished. But accepting our artwork, overcoming the misprints and battling through the paint drips....makes us who we are. Be an artist and take pride in your painting.



x

Progress.

Good evening!

Well, the sun came out today - literally & metaphorically. I most definitely had a better day. Not all my thoughts were clouded with troubled raindrops & no thunderstorm came my way. The evenings are always worse, but so far...I feel something may be changing. Nothing particularly good has happened. Infact everything is still very much the same. I simply managed to wake up this morning, look in the mirror and smile. Hurrah. Progress.

Blocking out negative thoughts has proven to be anything but easy. I'm almost certain some won't ever leave my body. They are trapped within a messy lair of all things misery. The steps I am taking, however, WILL change this - and even though it's an undeniable fact - bad days are going to happen - they will never be as low as the ones I have faced.

I truly believe I almost forgot what it felt like to be happy. I can't remember exactly when my 'depressive episode' started. I think for a while I was in a mixed state. Swinging between highs & lows, not even I could keep up. Unavoidably, the unwanted feelings I had tried so hard to not surrender too - came back. The old familiar feeling of complete sadness stole my body... persistent to not give in. I threw down my sword and let it happen. It was clear I should have fought harder the last time for a more accurate diagnosis, then perhaps this road of devastation would not have been walked down. But atleast now - I know it can only get better.

There's no denying I still have uninvited feelings possessing my body. I know they will stick around for a while, but in time I hope they become a distant memory - rather than a reminder.


Can I take the time again now to thank the sincere, incredible people who are completing me right now. Some people I don't even know....and the loyal faces that continue to show there honest heartfelt support.
The genuine sincerity of people can make a gloomy day positively bright. So thankyou.

Remember to hold the important things close to your heart. x

Not so good.

To the world that's listening.
I feel perhaps I shouldn't write this. But I've been reminded that the very reason I started this blog, was to release the ever-growing build up of turbulence crawling throughout my body. I did not expect to receive such a wonderful response. When told my blog was 'inspirational' I felt overwhelmingly humbled. The support I have received has been incredibly kind and I am truly thankful. I know to some, my blog may still seem somewhat strange. I don't claim to be something I'm not. I am not the first person to feel the way I do. I am 100% aware there are people out there facing indescribable distress. Extraordinary people who stand up to life's evil, stick two fingers up & never get beaten down. I am the first to admit there are others fighting much harder battles. But I have to focus on mine. Nomatter how insignificant it may seem to some... I'm living it, so I'll judge it.

So, as I was saying..
I've been reminded that this blog was an outlet...and at times like this, I must remember that.
For the today I have been feeling crushingly sad. It's hard to admit it, when I feel such a responsiblilty to be strong. I fear being worried about, because I do not wish to hurt those close to me. I hate seeing and knowing my family have cried tears over my problem. I hate to confess to this unwelcome feeling, when I've promised myself I was getting better. But writing and using my fingers to type faster than my brain tells me too - always seems to help. Deep down, I know I am not letting anyone down - because those who care will bare me through the darkness... but on the surface I feel like a burden to those trying to help me. I know it's not true. But it's understandable, right? I worry that this roller coaster misleads people. For one minute I am a positive, motivating 'speech giver' and the next I fall from grace and knock myself out. I know the medication will help, but it scares me to think that I'll have rely on something so belittling, in order to live a normal life. Believe me, I'll try every self-help plan and treatment programmes going.

I don't know why today has been a 'bad one'... it seemed to follow on from yesterday.
I think perhaps I'm scared. I can't help but sit with a vacant expression, staring into nothing with my nothingness eyes. I was once told I had a sparkle to my eye & shine to my smile. I don't know where that's gone. Perhaps it's gone travelling somewhere. Maybe it's gone somewhere hot, while the rain pours down here into ever growing puddles.

I must remember it's not a crime nor a failing to feel sad.
I must remember that tomorrow may be a better day...and if it's not, the day after maybe.

The thoughts racing through my head will change.

x

A story.

Once upon a time - a small, premature, slightly 'oriental looking' baby girl was born. Wrapped in blankets and her families unconditional love, she was protected from the world.. A crazy world which she was yet to uncover. But, a world that she would inevitably be stripped bare to. A world she would have to face with her own strength and courage.

As time ticked onwards, the little girl grew. Imagination and positivity bounced through her body, for this little girl was a brave, independent child. With her expressive nature and endearing soul, her childhood was a happy one. Everyone was a friend and the only thing to fear was being bitten by an over excited goose in the park. To her, the world was beautiful. A child's naivety is a blessing. For every child must only radiate warmness and have eyes only open to love. 

As expected, years went by. A personality flourished. A body changed and the girl was no longer little. She was still short. This had also been expected. But she had definitely grown. 

With time, comes change. She soon started to notice everything differently. The light had been somewhat distorted and an unfamiliar pressure began to overwhelm her world. An invisible but definitely existent strain weighed her down. A heavy compression of tension lay on her small shoulders. For the girl struggled and tangled herself in a web of uncontrollable demands.Still only a teenager.. it seemed the girl was unable to cope at times and became a little misunderstood on the way. Her smile and positivity that once was there, drowned in sea of fear and confusion. Suddenly she realised it was time for her to grow. Time to spread her wings she so longed to use, but couldn't figure out how. She lay awake at night with worry and became a distant person to those she was surrounded by. Communication often died and some days she would feel like taping up her lips. It was on those days, she would resent everything and everyone - but be unaware as to why. She herself, was puzzled by her unusual behaviour. Baffled by the chaotic and ever changing voices residing in her head. For one day excitement, enthusiasm and energy would run a marathon around her body, and the next ...a defeated loser would give up the race. 

The girl learnt what it was to love.

She learnt how to make decisions.

She learnt the difference between failure and things 'just not working out'.

Now a woman, she is learning to accept.

Accept a world unshielded from the blankets that once protected her.

Accept her ways. 

Accept the body she was born into.

She doesn't know where her life is headed. Her wings often feel clipped and unable to fly. On days, her once beautiful vision is stolen by a blindfold of anxiety. But she lives in hope of a life guided by light and laughter. 

She knows her demons are on their way to a distant place and in return will be greeted with the life she imaginations so often.

x