Today I did this.

Meds are making me tired & I'm 100% gaining weight...

but today I did this! Which is progress.

(excuse the poor recording)

Popular - Wicked the Musical

x

And as if by fate...

"Can I sail through the changing ocean tides? Can I handle the seasons of my life?"

Before I write, to make what I am about to say make sense.. I just want to give you some background information... Many of my friends & family who read my blog will already know this - but to my incredible readers who I do not personally know..it may be helpful. From the age of about 13, I was completely spellbound by musical theatre & performing arts. I was transfixed. I definitely wasn't the annoying kid with pushy parents. I wasn't signed up to every agency & I didn't feel the need to perform at every get together. I just loved it with everything I had, quietly & genuinely. With the twists & turns of my life and mind... I slipped further away from my dreams. I couldn't focus. Nothing was the same & everything changed. The girl who's smile would be found on the stage fell down a rabbit hole of confusion ...and once that confidence was lost..it never fully surfaced again. The magic was still there but the belief was gone.

As I sat down yesterday, surrounded by the sights & sounds of Kings College Hospital London, I nestled my backside into the bench, tucked my legs up & crossed them safely. Enclosed and snuggled in my over-sized bag lay the book I had brought along for 'reading', but with the potential to spend the afternoon improving my ever-growing 'people watching' skills - it was obvious the book was going to remain buried under all the other useless junk.

The 'people watching' talents I proudly possess have been passed down by my Grandmother, who we often find captivated in other peoples conversations, regularly edging closer to the point of no return...and joining in..something we all love her for greatly. My Grandma was the reason behind yesterdays visit & I was happy to be there whilst she met with a surgeon, - who she later referred to as being 'hunky'. Families stick together.

So whilst I battled between the continuous decision of either reading, pretending to be on my phone or gaze intensely at the various comings & goings of hospital life... a young man sat down opposite me.

I briefly looked up & noticed the man was wearing some sort of hospital clothing. I don't mean the sort you are given that strips you of all your dignity, shows your bum & leaves you feeling like a worthless bottomless pit of shit when you put it on.... I mean work clothes. He worked there! 

I scrolled through my phone - social networking & texting friends & thought nothing of the young Chinese man. It took me about 10 minutes to realise he was awkwardly moving his body closer to me & then hesitantly bringing himself back. His fidgeting didn't unnerve me but I carried on looking down at my phone. 

Then, something completely unexpected happened. A friendly voice encouraged me to look up & take notice. 

"Excuse me, are you an artist?"

 It was only then, through speech & actually noticing his welcoming smile, did it come to my attention the young man had special needs. He looked at me thoughtfully, whilst tilting his head but was unable to keep eye contact. His face was kind & I immediately warmed to him. For a second I didn't take in the question being asked. I was slightly confused but at the same time, drawn to this stranger. "No" I replied with a shy giggle. He almost looked dissapointed. "Why?" I asked...still intrigued & now tilting my head to one side with a smile. He went on to ask if I was an artist in any way & what I did as a profession. Again, I was baffled by the question & I didn't think completely straight. I told him I was a very creative person. I loved to paint but didn't do it professionally & as I am currently not working...I have been enjoying photography & have a few professional jobs lined up. All this came out in a big blur of slurred rubbish...

He grinned cheekily & tapped his forehead... "Thought so". 

He went on to tell me that he was born with a sixth sense. This wonderful man, who couldn't have been much older than me, explained how he had the ability to see someones strengths & talents. He was able to see the positives of someones future. He told me that he had been looking at my chin & was able to tell I was an artist. I was still thrown by the word 'artist' - I studied art yes, & really am a very creative person... but to give myself that title wouldn't feel right...

Until..

He looked at me meticulously & deeply. With another comforting smile, he went on to talk about performing. He spoke with fondness about performers & being on the stage. As if he knew...

He could tell it was my passion & in the darkest depths of my heart...is the only thing I've truly wanted to do. A complete stranger. A face I had never seen before. An unlikely person.. was sat there telling me I was an artist. A performing artist. He shared his thoughts with me. I couldn't believe it. This turn of fate. For at my lowest & during this testing time of confidence, I had been in the right place at the right time to be told...I was believed in. His words meant a thousand things. He insisted I would do well and great things were to come.

Could this mean, maybe..one day...Crisi will be back!?

"But I will hold on hope & I won't let you choke on the noose around your neck. And I'll find strength in pain and I will change my ways. I'll know my name as it's called again. Cause I need freedom now and I need to know how, to live my life as it's meant to be"

Keep smiling readers...be bold, be strong & believe.

x

Oh hey look, a blog post.

Look at me updating my blog - which has become somewhat of a rarity due to narcoleptic bouts of needing to fall asleep...I do not have narcolepsy, just to clear things up. I have also been lacking enthusiasm, passion & a brain in general - but I'm led to believe that's pretty normal on Depakote. I'm a slurring bubble of confusion most of the time now - but hey, I'm still awesome right? Of course I want to update my loyal & wonderful readers...& I do still feel like 'alittlefeisty' undoubtedly helps me. However, this is my main reason for this evenings post;

This is what I came away with from the Mental Health Clinic the other day...

Which I don't mind at all. I am lucky to be seeing an awesome person with equally awesome handwriting (ehem).... and these are my goals for the next few weeks.

(just to confirm, this isn't serpent snake psychiatrist we are talking about - though my next appointment with him is slowly slithering forward)

As you can see 'update blog' was high on the list.... I know I have let myself slip a little! The past few weeks feel like they have been written in a useless faint HB pencil, smudged & rubbed out - without energy or the urge to start over more boldly. What I mean is...everything is just a little blurry, shaded & colourless. I hope my canvas is soon splattered with throws of vibrant paint again. Powerful positive imprints that remain! It's almost as if I am like a ship trapped inside it's possessive bottle; I know my importance, I know my capabilities & I know my journey needs to be voyaged further - but thus far, pieces of me are still confined.

SO booking a GP appointment was fairly straight forward...and I was sent for blood tests! Infact this afternoon was a fabulous day out on the NHS. Sarcasm at it's finest. Hospitals don't necessarily scare me, but they obviously (of course) aren't the nicest place to be. Atleast this time - I remember my actual arrival through the front doors ;) So a little vampire needle sucked my blood as I stared blankly at the old guy in the cubical opposite - knowing full well I would have to get used to this sort of thing - being on the 'crazies' drugs! Short & sharp and it was done. I was disappointed I didn't receive a sticker or a lolly pop...or some sort of reward for being a brave girl! Instead, I wandered out, found my mum & we made our way to xray! 

I waited 45mins.... sitting in an attractive hospital gown, before my chest was pressed against some yucky looking machine. I'm pretty sure I turned heads by how stunning I looked. Handsome doctors were practically falling over my feet...

Can't say I enjoyed the experience... but I'm having some 'complications' with medications... so it's better to be safe than sorry! And even though I am trying to keep a humour to this post - today hasn't been a great one within the mind - but I'm still going! I'll be back to the hospital within a few weeks for more tests & things - so I've exchanged numbers with every single fit doctor in the building - so they can prepare themselves before seeing me again. Breath spray, neat hair etc.

Oh look! 'Try not to sleep during the day' has made an appearance on the list. Without sounding like a dreadfully lazy person... it's proving to be extremely hard. My body feels almost bruised with tiredness sometimes. It's around 3pm that I start to feel myself go. Just to confirm - I am on horrific sedating meds people. It's mind numbingly sad to really not feel in control - but I am doing my best! Night times my body is still overwhelmed with loneliness & it's at that point I find it hard to drift off. Patterns & routines are all over the place somewhat, even though everyday I aim to improve them. My weight is yoyoing through gym days, non gyms days, fruit days & 'fill up my belly now' days. I'll get there in the end! Going to the gym has proven to be helpful with structure & given me a reason to move on days where everything is an effort.... Even though I become tired very easily & look like a damn mess upon leaving - and arriving for that matter! 

Referring back to the list...my photography is still getting alot of interest & I have a few things lined up in the way of work :) Which is truly brilliant. I have been doing a course since last year, but what with everything that's been happening... sticking to it regularly was a little tricky! Gradually I'll get back into it though & start snapping away for my website! Which happens to be.... www.crisijaynephotography.co.uk 

As I have built up a beautiful amount of readers, followers & google+ers... I'd just like to share the company that designed and built my site www.mkt-e.com - check them out if you are in need of awesome prices & quality results. 

The people who continue to be amazing are still being amazing. Having my sister home from University has allowed our family to have some real quality time together & I feel much more stable when she is here. My family are undeniably incredible & as someone recently told me...I am 'blessed'. My mother is being strong & brave for us all. Neither my sister or I would have half the strength we have... without her.  

I have been socialising alot more, which is great...and am thankful to the friends who love me for me! :)

Well, my brain has decided to give up. I will try & update more regularly ...so I remember things that have happened! Keep smiling all.... and believe in better days ahead!  x