A year on..

Hello loyal readers, I have been meaning to write this post for about a week now - for a very simple reason. I can't quite believe it but it has now been a year since I came home. It's been a year since my whirlwind world changed again and I left my life up in Yorkshire. It's no secret that I was devastated. My head and heart were almost admitting defeat. I felt so completely lost in everything. My stability was at an all time low. I was reluctant to come home - after all I hadn't lived here for years. Deep down, I knew it was for the best - my mental health was spiraling out of control and it was clear to everyone I needed my families love & strength to get me through. I was left feeling scared beyond words, terrified within myself and hating my very own personality and existence. I was ashamed. But this is not a post to dwell on the pain, this is a post to reflect, learn, grow and show to others things do get better. There is hope and there is light. This is a post for all those whose belief in success is fading. Keep fighting, because it can change. You may not ever completely heal and you may not ever forgot the path of destruction left behind - but I am living proof that no matter what our brains decide to do - there is a way to control, accept and live.

I would like to share this with you. This is on my self help wall...

Steps
1. Accepting my illness
2. Forgive my past
3. Accept my reflection
4. Be confident
5. Make connections

Rules

• Recognise it's a long journey
• Be honest in my treatment
• Forgive myself
• Love myself
• Forgive others
• Accept that everything happens for a reason
• Appreciate that the future is bright
• Accept that love is all around me
• Show compassion to family and friends
• Believe in hope

Living by these rules, has started to change my life. Even though I am aware I still have a long way to go and even though I honestly still struggle - I am almost unrecognisable from the person I was this time last year. Life has moved forward. Yes, there have been moments of two steps back - but I am without a doubt a stronger person. I am beginning to get my fighting drive back. Compassion is slowly seeping back through my bones and my world is becoming clearer day by day. My mood swings and emotional stability are much better and I am now receiving regular treatment. I am thankfully on the right medications and have a great professional support team. As well as my psychiatrist and support worker sessions I will soon be attending one to one meetings with a psychologist and will be going to psychotherapy group sessions - which I intend to blog about. This time last year, even just the thought of this would have overwhelmed me terribly. And even though my palms still sweat, my heart sinks and nerves put my tummy in knots - it's almost like second nature now. I know it's so important to my health and I therefore take my deep breaths and suck it in! 

Yes, my Depakote & the pro's have been of great assistance and help - but it's not them that I have to thank. For it's all the people that have stood proudly by my side that have made me shine that little bit brighter. My treasured family. The ones I see everyday who accept without a thought and the ones I don't see everyday who still manage to make me feel undoubtedly loved. I am extremely lucky to have you all. Without each and everyone one of you - I am not Crisi. You all make me. I love you so much.

My beautiful friends... who make me massively happy. Everyone needs friends - and I have the most amazing ones. People with mental health problems find it trickier than most to trust. We find it hard to allow people in. We worry about being judged. But I can safely say I have now found the true people who accept me for who I am. This warms my heart and makes me smile! 

My very best friend. This man has supported me through my battles since day one. Yes, things may have changed and we have lived our lives separately the past few years - but he knows me better than anyone. He has continued to love & support me every step of the way, no matter the distance between us .I couldn't be more thankful to still have him in my life. At the age of 16, I couldn't have predicted our future and now at nearly 24 still having you within my heart makes me so very proud. Having you, has made this all so much easier. You have seen me during my darkest days and yet still call me beautiful. To me....that is everything. Can't wait until your safe return in February. 

To everyone else. The ones who have made a difference - even if you don't know it! Thankyou. The smallest thing means everything.

I cannot believe how much I have achieved in the past year and for me to say that is huge victory within itself. For I do not hold high opinions on life so far - even though I am told I have accomplished so much. But for once, I am starting to believe it. My confidence and colour is becoming bolder. From the small simple things like getting out of bed and eating....to jumping out of a plane at 12,000ft and raising over £1000 for charity - life is becoming a triumph! Anxiety has somewhat settled. I am learning to be brave! My little steps worked. I am still taking them and if I get knocked back - I will start again. There is no giving up now! 2014 looks set to be a positive year for me....I hope from the bottom of my heart it will be for you too.

Keep your heads held high. You can do it!

Love,

Crisi x

Have faith.

I can't believe it has taken me so long to write. My blog almost seems like a distant memory. This keyboard and 'alittlefeisty' post page were once my trusty bestfriends - seeing me through the journey I was trekking, holding my hand and being there for me when all else had been lost. My little finger tips (normally decorated in a creatively chipped black varnish) used to type away most nights - reporting on the daily waves of emotion that voyaged through my unsettled brain. I can't believe I drifted so far from it. This blog gave me something to hold on to...a safety ring when I was drowning. I almost abandoned it. Through my uninspired days & lack of love for anything my posts became few and far between. But this is a promise - this is my oath to remain loyal to 'alittlefeisty' - for it has served me well.

Please excuse grammar and spelling mistakes. I am tired & have noticed even when I am not tired, my writing has become well & truly poor. Which frustrates me! I add in letters, get things scrambled, miss things out and sometimes even make up my own words. I'm considering creating my own dictionary. On the cover it shall say "A Dictionary for all those on medications that make your brain a sloppy hot damn mess" - I think it's pretty catchy. So yes, apologies.

So I am not too sure what will come of this post. I don't know what I intend to say. I'm just letting it happen.
I guess I should start where I left off with my last update. My Skydive was incredible. Absolutely beyond words and I managed to raise over £1000 for Mind, the mental health charity. I was proud. For one of the first times in my life, I felt proud. As my readers & most people who have followed my story know - this is something I rarely feel. It's horrible to admit you hold such a low opinion of yourself, when everyone around you says differently, but it's true. It's something I live with and am learning to change - but this made me beam with pride.  As I sat in the little plane in my beautifully fetching hat, goggles and attractive all-in-one - all fear left my body. I wasn't scared. I smiled..and smiled..and smiled. I made sure to take in every second. I stared out the window at the ground below, took a deep breath and felt my heart absolutely leap with excitement. I couldn't believe it. As we broke through the light cloud..I knew this was the silver lining I had been waiting for. This was my purpose. I was here for a reason! Who would have thought that this time last year, I would be strong enough to do this. My small steps to stability had reached the sky. Nothing prepares you for that feeling of jumping out. I'll admit, a sudden swear word shouted it's way out of my mouth - but I think that's allowed! I had done it, taken the leap from 12,000ft. After 45 seconds of an adrenaline filled 'AM I GOING TO DIE' screaming marathon...the parachute opened & I was crazy happy. I danced in the air, literally. I wanted to pinch myself to make sure this was actually me. As I landed (nearly hitting a sheep and landing in it's doodah) a sneaky lump decided to form in my throat and tears of pure awesome started to fall. Look how far I had come. Overcoming inner battles and sticking two fingers up to the impossible! Raising all that money for a charity so close to my heart. A charity that works extremely hard everyday to help people like me. Help beat the stigma and fight for us.

I would like to take this opportunity to thank everyone who donated & believed in me! I am forever grateful and will always remember the kindness you have shown. To you, it may have just been something small..but to me it was the world.

Unfortunately, with every 'high' there inevitably seems to be a low. It's painful to say it after such an incredible experience - but the hype & build up has now led to a little dark place. It's safe to say that even with medications and treatment - I am still suffering from the overwhelming highs and lows of the illness in my demanding brain. I'm feeling everything a little too much. Everything is either fabulous and perfect...or down right shit. Don't get me wrong, I am much MUCH better & will continue to fight my way through it, but this blog is about honesty and is here to show a true reflection on exactly what happens. There is no beating around the bush. The past few weeks have not been my greatest. I haven't handled it too well either. I began to shut myself away - or go out and drink too much - which is not smart, neither recommended. I slipped back into a few old habits and I quickly became swamped with negativity and hopelessness. Fear not though - this will not beat me. I am lucky to be surrounded by people who care & go the extra mile to show it. I still have my beautiful family standing tall & my most treasured friends by my side. I will come out the other side - we know this - I've done it before. I have now been referred to Psychotherapy along with seeing my Psychiatrist & Support Worker. I have my army. I have faith.

We must remember  - the most important people in life are the ones who love you...when you aren't very lovable. "Remember anyone can love you when the sun is shining. In the storms is where you learn who truly cares for you"..

That's me over and out for now - just an update whilst letting 'alittlefeisty' become what she once was.

Surrender to what is.
Let go of what was.
Have faith in what will be.

x