A poem.

This is a poem I have written....
Simply titled,

"Mental Health"  - because this is for everyone.
alcohol abuse, substance abuse, anorexia nervosa, anxiety disorder, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, bulimia nervosa, depression, obsessive compulsive disorder, schizophrenia...

I do not write of things untrue and speak only the honest from my heart

No pretence or false amongst my words, only the truth unravels apart

For I speak on behalf of those who have fallen and battled with the pain

The demons within our souls and the monster lurking within our brain

For when the storm approaches and wraps its phantom thunder around

The lightening threatens above us sending shocking waves through the ground

Our world is quickly changing from a silence calm and clear

A world we were untold of and a world that screams of fear

Slowly creeping forwards or all of a sudden its just there

No way to stop the creature once you're trapped within its lair

Tangled in time and stuck, for aslong as it keeps you caught

A fight that feels so lost, a fight that cannot be taught

For until you feel its wrath, its hatred and its force

You’ll never truly know, the disrupt of its course

Voyaging through waves, over paths that hurt ahead

 Its strength clings to skin, with every word unsaid

Silence sleeps amongst us, while we deny our very needs

Lips stitched tight too fiercely, but inside out inner self pleads

We know we need the help and courage to overcome

The restless weight inside, the monster we've become

I pray that we find sunshine, amongst the rain that falls so cruel

Our bodies will stand taller, the bodies in which we'll rule

As we beat the beasts that caught us, residing within us no more

We will take control and be braver than before.

Crisi

x

Sometimes...

Sometimes you don't want someone to simply say "you'll be fine".
You want them to hold you close, understand the pain you feel and say...
"I know how scared you are" <3

Don't be afraid.

Wow, today I woke up to over 400 more views on here ....than what I had last night! Truly thankful to Denise Welch (Loose Women) for retweeting the link to my blog on her twitter. She too has traveled a mental health recovery journey and is now working hard to 'beat the stigma'

I thought I would go back a fews steps, just for new readers to catch up...
Firstly, here's a link to a post I wrote a while back http://alittlefeisty.blogspot.co.uk/2013/01/a-story.html

My world changed from the age of about 17. Everyday pressures got the better of me. Paranoia and anxiety kicked in. Self hate & self doubt chained itself around my body and swallowed the key. As I grew older.. I was literally a roller-coaster of a human being. Except sometimes, it felt like my safety bar had been forgotten about. I wasn't strapped safely into my seat & had no control over which way I was flung. As if I was clinging on daily to some sort of normality. My moods changed uncontrollably. I no longer became able to 'shrug it off'. My body and brain rejected any form of self- reasoning & I found myself flicking between lands of excitment, impulse and motivation - to worlds of depression, darkness and doom.

It's only recently that I have started talking about my years with the self-destruct button turned on! No longer could it be kept hidden. Of course, admitting my problems was the hardest thing. Talking to what seems like hundreds of professionals, over & over - is physically & mentally draining. But in the long run - I know it's most definitely going to be worth it. I still have moments where I think 'No, this can't be happening to me... I'm fine'. Countless times I have looked at my box of pills and thought 'Do I really need you?' But the honest answer is yes. Yes it is happening & yes I need them. It's not a weakness and it's nothing to be ashamed of. Being frightened is natural. But being brave is better...

Face the fear and kick it's butt.

Sometime's the hardest thing, is the fear of rejection and belief. We keep ourselves locked up, incase we are labelled as 'attention seeking', incase our real life and very real illness is not accepted. I've been there & felt it. Hold it within yourself and take pride in the fact that you have been strong enough to overcome the small minded folk. Never forget, that just as you would take medication for diabetes or seek help if you become life-threateningly ill - YOU are allowed to feel worthy of getting help for this too. Just because the illness isn't something you can see or remove, doesn't make it any less real. This has become all the more obvious after I was recently in hospital following an episode. A reminder of just how serious it can be. Be courageous. Medications, side effects, meetings, therapy, psychiatrists and life style changes .... are all but small things compared to the beautiful life you could live.

You can't change the past. But the future can be worked on :)
Thankyou for all the views and follows. It means everything to me! For I too.. am just a 23 year old girl trying to find my place in this crazy world.

I shall post some links to a few previous posts that I enjoyed writing :)
Love Crisi x

A painting...
http://alittlefeisty.blogspot.co.uk/2013/01/a-painting.html

A hero...
http://alittlefeisty.blogspot.co.uk/2012/12/a-hero.html

The good things...
http://alittlefeisty.blogspot.co.uk/2012/11/the-good-things.html

A dream come true
http://alittlefeisty.blogspot.co.uk/2012/12/a-dream-come-true.html

Inspirational?
http://alittlefeisty.blogspot.co.uk/2012/11/inspirational.html

.....Have a look in the side panel for more :) Have a great day!

x

Update, a little longer than the last!

Evening everyone,
The last time I updated my blog - I had just come out of a rather nasty place in my head. A place I hope I won't see again, but the twists and turns are of course, still unpredictable. I am however feeling much more at ease with the world & gradually getting back into my treatment plan. My visits to the clinic have taken back there weekly spot on the calendar - rather than various 'professionals' making daily appearances at my house. I feel much more comfortable now! Even though I cannot fault their services and kindness...
So, the Quetiapine is gone & since it's hasty banishment from the house...not one extreme leg ache or overly bloated, 9 months pregnant feel have I encountered. However, I have now started on Depakote (divalproex sodium) . And even though my intentions on positivity are high & I am determine not to overwhelm myself with the fear of side effects & future risks....of course I have thought about it. I know everything nowadays comes with that exhausting long 'warning' list... & if we read every small slight detail, we would live in fear of being effected by the most insignificant thing. But, it's fair to say the list is pretty long & Depakote has done some unpleasant things to the majority of people taking it. I wonder if this will be the drug for me? I wonder if this will be the one I'll be taking from now until....forever? I'm already experiencing the sedation - but on I'll go trying my best to battle through it. I'll keep my loyal readers updated on the happenings of my body...
Like I've read through many organisation sites "I'd rather go through the side effects and potential risks, than put myself through another episode" - wise words.

So I have recently finished reading 'A Silver Linings Playbook' - and then decided to watch the film after! The book pulled at my heart strings, the film (as good as it was) failed to do the same. It follows 'Pat Peoples' fight with mental illness, regaining health & finding his 'silver lining' in every way possible. I found it emotionally inspiring & fulfilled me with hope. I would like to share a few quotes from the book with you all....

"Well you have adventures. All start out with troubles, but then you admit your problems and become a better person by working really hard, which is what fertilizes the happy ending and allows it to bloom...."

"I still have a woman in my arms who has suffered greatly and desperately needs to believe once again she is beautiful. In my arms is a woman who knows all my secrets, a woman who knows just how messed up my mind is, how many pills I'm on, and yet she allows me to hold her anyway..."

"But I also know that in the movies, just when the main character is about to give up, something surprising happens, which leads to the happy ending. I'm pretty sure that this is the part of my movie when something surprising will happen...If I have faith, if I go to that special place, something  beautiful will happen..... 'Don't forget your pills' Mum says..."

"I actually want to thankyou for disrupting my life, because I would never have taken the time to improve my character if I did not get sent to the bad place....I know this journey has been for a reason..."

On the days where I'm able to focus and my ever-changing concentration levels are 'normal' ....I will start reading "Detour, My Bipolar Road Trip in 4-D" by Lizzie Simon

By all appearances, Lizzie Simon was perfect. She had an Ivy League education, lots of friends, a loving family and a dazzling career as a theatre producer by the age of 23. But that wasn't enough; Lizzie still felt alone in the world, and largely misunderstood. Having been diagnosed with bipolar disorder as a teenager, she longed to meet others like herself; she wanted to hear the experiences of those who managed to move past their manic-depression and lead normal lives. So Lizzie hits the road, hoping to find "a herd of her own". Along the way she finds romance and madness, survivors and sufferers,and somewhere between the lanes,herself. Part road trip, part love story, Detour is a fast-paced memoir that demystifies mental illness while it embraces the universally human struggle to become whole.


Moving on...
I am now feeling the urge to get physically fit & healthy...Obviously the mental side is being treated too - but I'd rather be a self confessed 'nutter' with toned abs, a sexy butt & fruity insides....

I've been trying to take all the tips from my self-help wall...and even though I often fight my wars with tiredness, motivation and routine.... Excerise and diet are beginning to take shape! Smoothies are something sent from heaven & endless nuts/seeds & dried fruit are serving me well. It's becoming more obvious that I should probably go back to my 'gluten free' days....but my mum's homemade bread is too delicious to turn down at times. Caffeine had been reduced but I'm still not 100% convinced by fruit teas.... who invented that? I want to shoot them.

I'm exercising daily (except for today, because I felt like a sack of shit and barely strung a sentence together, let along worked my body to the sound of Victoria Secret's gym instructors) .... there's always tomorrow!

I have recently become massively hooked to 'Pinterest'....

Feel free to head on over to my page...

https://pinterest.com/crisijayne/

I would like to share with you some of the bits & bobs I have 'pinned' to my boards... 

It's most delightfully therapeutic, but unconditionally addictive.  

I have lots more on there including 'music', 'heroes', 'photography', 'creativity'& 'dreamhouse' - but here's just a taster....

Quotes

Wardrobe

Smile

Likes

I advise anyone...mental illness or not, to go ahead, set up an account & 'pin' away... :)

I'll wrap it up now, but I'll leave with some good news. After finally feeling happy with my current support team & meetings (minus the ongoing fear of my psychiatrist who reminds me of a defence against the dark arts teacher in Hogwarts)...I am going to be put on a 20 week scheme to help me cope with my emotions & behaviours. I will gain skills to help me manage my feelings & triggers. I am actually really looking forward to it...

" You will learn a new 'language' to use in thinking about your disorder and for communicating about your disorder with others in your 'system'..."

"You will work on changing some of the ways you think about yourself, the world, and other people. You will work on specific lifestyle behaviours such as eating, sleep patterns, exercise, leisure activities, physical health and relationships."

"Besides the written materials that you receive, the lessons also use songs, poetry, art activities and relaxation exercises. If you have a special talent for writing poems or creating artwork, you may enjoy sharing this"

The course doesn't start until September, so in the mean time I will be attending everything else I have to attend :) 

Thankyou again & as always, to all the wonderful people who have been there - especially these past few weeks. I am forever in your debt...

I can't help but smile knowing that at the end of April I shall be reunited with my best friend & get to spend a few months with him before duty calls and he leaves again. Those months I shall treasure - for he has seen my beauty when darkness has beckoned my soul.

I would also like to send my prayers, love & thoughts to a very dear friend & her family...Livie. For even through her own struggles, has remained a loyal friend to me. And now, at your lowest low - know I am here for you. I can't imagine how you are feeling, but I know somewhere within you is the strength to see a future. 

I wish you all beautiful days & restful nights 

x

The post with no title.

Hello readers,

Unfortunately last week wasn't a good one. I won't go into details but be happy to know I'm slowly picking myself back up. My journey is not a simple one to travel - but we knew that from the start. I am no longer on Quetiapine & today the consultant who came to my home suggested Depakote - do any of my fellow followers or 'google+ers' have any experience of this type of mood stabiliser?

I am thankful to my wonderful family - even though at times it's hard for me to express. I am thankful to all the incredible people standing by me. I am thankful to all the people who understand and show nothing but love & support. I couldn't do it without you.

x