A rare occassion, can you believe it? I'm almost certain that it's going to take me hours even just to write a few paragraphs...with constant food breaks, drink breaks, naps & tv daydreaming. (I'm also in the process of transferring kazillions of pictures on to discs - hurrah to photography)
I don't really know where to start with this one. I feel as though I have a thousand things to say, but this blockage on my brain still isn't budging. I should probably go back to writing things down as they happen - to make a more interesting and varied read.... but you'll get what you're given folks.
Alas... I've eaten dinner & watched a fair amount of television inbetween this paragraph and the last. Today I have eaten 3 square meals and not overly snacked...success, however my stomach is still bloated to the size of a football and i'll probably have some buttery microwavable popcorn later - complete and utter fail.
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Three days have just past. You think I'm kiddin'? I assure you... I'm not!
Lots has happened since I last sat down to type properly & I feel like my canvas has been scribbled on with black & grey crayons by a challenging 5 year old child...probably slightly chewed & soggy too. Nothing I want to say is coming out right!! So instead of being flouncy with my words, I'm going to draw it in, take it back & whack out a simple list of what's what!
1. My medication dosage has gone up. Those little mg's of Depakote have increased & it's the biggest thrill of my life (as is sarcasm)... Yes, I had the pleasure of sitting with my psychiatrist again (who I constantly have to remind myself is called Bob & is deaf in one ear - no-one called Bob & slightly deaf can be scary & serpent-like) The man does intimidate me though. I'm not sure if it's his power & authority or just his cold nature.To be fair, I've been told he is actually a lovely man & I think I did see the beginnings of a slight smile. I had to bring up unwanted feelings and speak about hospital, I walked out without having a complete melt down though - so success and a mini 'GO ME' was there somewhere & celebrated.
2. With more meds, comes more side effects - I've pretty much been nailing my daily routines. But I have a feeling it's going to hit me like a sack of shit. I already feel awful and the tiredness is coming back in force. But I'll soldier on :) Headaches are coming & going and weight is being gained (all normal for bullcrap Depakote). I've now started to change my diet AGAIN after another trip to hospital. I went for a scan on my ovaries & left with no results because they couldn't find the sneaky things ..after an external & internal...why you ask!? Because my bowels were enlarged, swollen & moving too much. YAY to bodies. I knew something was wrong anyway but have been unaware as to what was causing it. Taking Quetiapine caused horrible tummy problems - which disappeared when I changed meds. Anyway, blah blah - this & that. I am now back to a Gluten free diet to see if it stops the volcanic reactions and eruptions in my pop belly. Like I said, I'm gaining weight & it's causing insecurities to creep up on me. Everyone is being most lovely and of course saying 'oh well it doesn't show' - but I've weighed myself, the facts are there looking up at me. Most people are probably pretty pleased that I look 'healthy'...after endless bouts of dropping weight, but I don't feel great and I am worried that this higher dosage will only make it worse. Once I get my energy back & don't feel like a converse wearing, blonde haired slug... I'll hopefully be able to get a hold on it!
3. My wee smells more & more like the pills I pop every morning & night. NICE!
4. My speech has started to slur here & there and lovingly been pointed out & laughed at! I'm forgetting words & am generally a bundle of confusion.
5. I found a grey hair - later confirmed by my hairdresser. Since grey hairs within the family do not normally appear until much later in life, I'm putting it down to stress, sticking my middle finger up to it & attempting to forget the whole thing. Hats & hair dye for christmas & birthday presents please.
6. Something made me very sad & angry last week. It's not necessarily due to a person at fault. Just the naivety and misunderstanding of the world. "You don't need to take them do you, you are fine when I see you" - that being a response I received when texting a friend about my hate for the medications & side effects. It blew my mind that someone could be so blind. I had to take a step back & remind myself that not everybody has researched, understands or even cares about mental illness...True, illnesses like depression can be treated successfully, without signs of relapse. But many mental illnesses are CHRONIC, this means medications are taken everyday for aslong as a person lives...in order to keep them as healthy as possible. Just like someone with diabetes would treat their problem. I am getting through it, because I am taking drugs. I have a chemical imbalance in my brain...that doesn't just disappear.. infact...if left untreated it's almost 100% certain to get worse. I do not expect people to understand, but I do believe a little more tact and thought would help alot of people along the road to acceptance & recovery. I honestly do believe alot of people have denied themselves of the facts. Living with a mental illness is more often than not life long and it's down to a persons strength, power & sheer determination to wake up every day & not be beaten by it. And believe me, I'm trying. Recognise it for what it is. It's real. Do not judge, do not assume.
7. This week was mental health week. I would like to share this with you. Please take the time to watch..
8. Today I am having a bad day. Infact the past few days have left me feeling numb. So it seems, it would be my brain reacting to all the hustle & bustle, plans & photography that the last weeks have encountered. I took on alot and though I enjoyed it, I gave myself the most responsibility I've had since....well you know. I'm irritable, groggy, creativeLESS, passionateLESS & full of self-loathing. Perhaps the dosage increase is a good thing, perhaps it will get the balance right...once I'm used to this bruised body feeling. I am very thankful as always to my wonderful family. I am also truly grateful to have the ongoing love & support from my bestfriend Martin. Yes, our relationship has been a complicated one..but everyday I feel lucky to still have you in my life. It's been so comforting spending time with you & I cannot thank you enough for wiping my tears when I cry and calling me beautiful when I feel most ugly. I am really proud of you.
That's me done for today... I have Mental Health Clinic next week, where I will be meeting someone new....as my lovely Lauren is leaving. Nervous about the change over...as I started to feel so comfortable. I am then seeing my Psychiatrist again the week after... so I'll be back with an update :)
I hope all my loyal readers are doing well, holding their heads high & smiling as much as possible.
You are not alone.
Crisi x
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