Happy New Year

I would like to wish everyone a happy new year in advance.
May 2013 be a positive, healthy, succesful year. Full of love, adventure and determination.

I intend to make it count. It may not be filled with everything I want it to. But I do know it's a year to discover myself & the person that I am. For once, I have no plans. I don't know where I am going.
Yes, this is slightly unnerving for a 'planning ahead' person like me... but I must take my deep breaths, count to ten & simply get over it. With my genius wit and uncanny feisty behaviour  I surely must find something that knocks me off my feet.

I want to thank everyone who has been part of my life this year. The good & the bad. The bad because it's you who will only make me stronger & the good for helping me realise that.
To those who have been nothing but amazing. I love you.

There are so many good people out there. Kind, loving people. If you are one of those people & sometimes wonder why you are constantly walking in the rain. Know & remember, "It's always darkest, before the dawn". You will find your happiness. Keep going. If only we lived in a world where good things happened to the good & bad happened to the bad. That's never going to happen. But seek comfort in the fact - YOU yourself, are an amazing person. Screw the rest. If you have it inside yourself to make your own happiness - you can conquer the world. Obviously not the world. But your little mini one - that needs to be focused on, nurtured and loved.

Happy New Year to you all

xxxx

A new year.

Good Evening.

May I take this time to thank my wonderful family for yet another beautiful Christmas. Especially my mother. Who holds me together & is simply amazing. She gives me the time I need, but never fails to be there when I fall apart. To my incredible family. I love you all.

I made a decision today. I guess it was one of my rushed 'I'm just going to do it' decisions. But right now, that seems to be the rule I am living by. I went to the station and bought myself a train ticket for Saturday. I will be visiting the place I left. I will be going back to Yorkshire for new year. I cried when I bought my ticket. I felt slightly overwhelmed knowing I will be going back to the place I thought I'd found home in.
But mainly, I was happy. I want to be strong & enjoy my new years eve. I know I will be coming back to the south after. I know I can't stay. I have to be here for my treatment to start.I know that & I'm fully aware that it's just a visit. But it's a visit - and for that, I am glad. I want to get off the train and take the walk I did most days into work & see some beautiful smiley faces. This won't be a trigger to upset me. I want to appreciate and use it as an added bit of strength to get me through this & as inspiration to get me back on track. I want to do it to make me remember the person I am. The person I can be again. I won't let it upset me that I don't still live there... I will turn it into something positive. Remind myself of what life can be. Remind me to work harder everyday on becoming the marvelous wonder woman I know I am!

I've never really been into celebrating the significance of new year. I've made resolutions and stuck to them for all of 5 minutes & have enjoyed using my neatest handwriting to start a new diary... but I've never felt like I do now. Every year, I want to believe - this will be the year my life starts. This will be MY year. Quite often, I think it has. Many times I've believed in the fairytale. I've been sucked into a whirlwind of happiness with my head in the clouds only to be pulled back down to the ground with a forceful thud. But this we must learn from...and not give up believing - that this year WILL be different. This year, the path will twist & turn in the right direction. We will seek comfort from our experiences and learn how to use them to our advantage to make our future better. It's easy to dwell on the past. I do it everyday. But we must try. Aslong as you try - noone can bring you down.

New years day - I plan to wake up & start again. Focus on me. This may only last a few hours - then in rushes the darkness but atleast I have tried. I want to see the beauty in everything I used to see. I want to smile for no reason & regain my faith in the world. Maybe not the world, but my world. Regain the faith in everything I once believed in. Open my eyes to new things & new ways of thinking. Meet new people. Take control of my life. Grab it, live with my arms wide open to possibilities. Absorb new information and learn.
Love myself and the person I am. Let others love me.


Last new years eve, I spent watching fireworks over the beautiful french mountains. This one won't be anything like that. Far from it. But I will be happy... knowing the next day - I shall be fighting this battle harder than ever before. I will get my life back.

x

Boxing Day

Currently sat in my new 'onsie' - totally rocking the oversized baby look. It is pretty comfortable though! I have extremely short legs, so the bottom half of my body (especially the feet)  looks very large and clown like drowning my little tootsies. But still - I like it!

So it's Boxing Day! Yet another Christmas Day has flown by!
Yesterday, I woke up - unsure whether I was still drunk or hungover. I went with 'still drunk' & decided to wake the house up by shouting 'It's Christmaaaaaaaaaaaaaaas' - through my croaky, dry, "I did alot of shouting/singing last night" voice. My feet were aching from the non-stop dancing Christmas Eve. I remember throwing some awesome shapes on that dance floor.  It was an odd moment though. I know as we get older, things change. But I miss Christmas as a child. Instead of waking up in the early hours with that nervous overly excited bounce of butterflies in my tummy - I woke up with a sicky "I drunk too much vodka" last night feeling. Instead of leaping into my Grandparents room & singing christmas songs in bed until our parents gave us the all clear to make our way downstairs - I took my makeup off from the night before & sipped water reluctantly.

The hangover soon budged as the morning went on... and we had a lovely day.
I did have a funny turn in the evening. I took myself off to my bedroom & had a cry. I don't know what it was. A chunk of everything all rolled into one I guess. I felt a fair bit of pressure on Christmas Day to be happy. Don't get me wrong. I was & I love being with my family at this time of year. I was just worried I would suddenly feel the lump in my throat return. To my horror, of course, it did. But I controlled myself and managed to sleep.

I'm not too sure how I feel today. If someone were to push me I would fall perhaps... rather than stand and face the threat. I feel a little vulnerable & lost. I can't help but think back to this time last year... when even though the underneath was dark & clouded, on the surface I was excited & revived. I was positive and looking forward to a new adventure. I know, there may be something just around the corner for me & this new year should be one for me to focus on... but I'm still finding it somewhat difficult making my way through this very moment. I want nothing more than to be a secure, happy, balanced person. But trying to find that whilst going through the pain of losing what once was mine, my life & indepedance - is horribly hard.

I hope everyone had a brilliant Christmas Day & enjoyed the festivities...and if not, may next year be your time to shine. :)

Be happy.
x

A hero.

There comes a time when we have to realise, it's the people who accept you, love you & help you through life - that matter. We must learn that not everybody is a hero. But there are heroes out there. They are the ones who save you,  just by being there. They are the people who save you from your demons, not by fighting the battle with you, not by trying too hard... but just because they don't give up. They don't forget the person underneath and the person you can be. They trust in you and believe in all that you are. Through your darkest days, they will still remember your smile. In times of struggle,  the heroes won't forget.
It may take a while for them to shine through. Some will. Some won't. But the ones who do, are the ones we must be thankful for and treasure. More often than not, we focus on what we don't have - rather than what we do possess. Sometimes we become blind to the positive because we cling on to all our sadness.
This is pretty hypocritical of me, it's true. I've become a pro at not realising all that I have. But I'm writing this as a way of self help. Writing this to reassure myself, that I do have heroes in my world. They don't ride a horse & wear shining armor. They don't have wings made of feathers or jump off buildings in skin tight lycra saving the world. They wear cardigans, jeans & t-shirts. They save me everyday by loving me.

Thankyou

x

I hope everyone reading my blog has a beautiful Christmas.

Keep Smiling

x

Be happy.

Today has been strange...yet again.
The past few days have been extremely tearful and full of self-loathing. I have had amazing people surrounding me with love & support...which has helped a great deal, but it's still proving to be very VERY tough. Every so often, I suddenly forget all the work I have done building myself up to acceptance. I forget about the positive and in rushes the negative. This is lasting a very long time. Too long.

Today I have been attempting to block out all negativity. I can safely say, I didn't succeed. But did try my absolute hardest. I smile & the brave face is on show, but I can feel myself slipping back there. Falling back into the wrong mind set. I often wish it would suddenly change again...with lots of energy and passion for everything - like I've had in the past. But this 'state' is just not budging. Bring on 21st January so my treatment can start.

Tonight has been okay. I've been talking to a friend which managed to postpone all the dark thoughts in my head. It's often comforting talking to others with problems of their own. Not because we want to hear someone is having a tough time, but because it often helps sharing problems. I instinctively become a 'mother figure' & want to help others. I often find it hard to see my own future, but have so much belief in other people. We must have the strength to believe in ourselves though. No matter how hard the fight - we must not give up. Take your time, get away, lose yourself... but seek comfort in the fact that one day... you'll come back stronger than ever. Never lose sight of who you are and your purpose. Feeling hopeless is something we all feel - but it won't last forever. You will be okay & things will become easier.

"I don't believe that it's a failing,
 I don't believe that it's a fault,
 'Cos if everything were plain sailing,
 What would there be left to exalt"

x

Where am I going?

It's becoming more apparent, that with every passing year...my life changes massively in some shape or form. I know this probably isn't uncommon. I know everyone goes through something new every year. I don't stand out & I am not by any means different.... it's just worrying me. Will I go through life, knowing that at the end of every year..I will suddenly take another turn on my journey? Is it a gift, or is it a curse? Will I settle and will I find true happiness?

I hate 'not knowing'. Some people thrive off it. Some people love not knowing whats round the corner! That's definitely not me. Don't get me wrong... I can be spontaneous. I make quick decisions and can often be terribly free-spirited when it comes to doing things - especially when I call the shots. But it's when I don't feel in control that I panic. Not knowing where my path is taking me. Making my way through a misty haze of nothingness, trying to find the right road. One step at a time... I know this. But I'm someone who takes giant leaps... baby steps seems unnatural.

Where am I going & who am I going to be? Time is hopefully on my side. I know this. I know the years ahead of me will fall into place. I may not change the world... but my world will change.

x

The end?

It's pretty late - or early morning, you choose!
Obviously, I cannot sleep which is standard for me. I could spend my days in bed...but sleeping does not come naturally. I must start setting my routine times soon, to help with everything. So a shut down time & a rise and shine time. Setting routines is suppose to massively help the effects of a mental illness. I may create a board to hang on my wall...and title it "ROUTINE FOR NUTTERS". Oh humour, you babe.

It's been a varied evening. I ended up walking for a while. It wasn't as if I had lots of energy. I just needed to vent some of my frustrations. There's been a real mix of emotions going on tonight! I'm not quite sure what state of mind I am in right now. I can't put my finger on it.

I do however, know that I am battling with my anger. This very moment in time - I am hacked off & almost buzzing from the annoyance growing inside me! I think I might actually laugh. It's nothing serious. Pretty much the same thing as what I was writing about yesterday. Weirdo Wannabes. Actually - it's definitely the same thing as I was writing about yesterday. The tension inside me is building and I will burst! Anger is a funny thing isn't it. Especially when it is mixed with other emotions. Recently I have found it hard to hide my anger. If I feel it - you'll hear me roar.

So, as it is now the 20th 1:12am (Happy Birthday Dad) December. I would like to take this opportunity to remind everyone. The world will be ending as we know it tomorrow. Lol.
It's pretty comical. I know! There's the true believers out there, that have built arks & then there's the total non-believers who think it's all a load of complete shite.
I'm somewhere in the middle. I have done a fair amount of research. Don't get me wrong though ....I'm not a complete alien obsessed, apocalyptic, scientific, Mayan worshiper. I just love things like that!

AND

I do believe the world is ending....as we know it.
But
I do not think the world will end tomorrow. 

However if it does. Which it won't. I would like to say a few words before the world is wiped out. Which it won't be.

This has the potential to sound morbid. So imagine them in a different, non apocalyptic way.

If i were to leave this world. I would take with me a journey of love, determination, success, failure and acceptance. 23 years isn't long enough to understand most things. 23 years isn't long enough to pretend you've seen it all, or felt all there is to feel. 23 years is a tiny footstep compared to the journey of a wise man. But those 23 years have been my years. My 23 years of living. My 23 years of experiences. My choices, my set backs, my loves, my hates. I'm proud of my 23 years. They have made me the person I am today.

.... I look forward to see what the rest of my years bring. Because we won't be eaten by zombies or hit by a giant piece of the sun tomorrow. I was just being flouncy with my words. :)

Accept your life for what it has been. Each and everyone of us fights a battle. Some much larger than others. Some you can see, some you can't. There's people out there who fight a losing battle everyday and remain strong. Those of us who are lucky enough to have our health, including myself... must consider life as a blessing. Who know's when it will end.

Totally made myself feel sick with all the depressive crap. LOL.
Night

x

Nothing in particular.

Hello!

So, I've been keeping myself busy the past few days. I'm starting to come round to the idea of Christmas now. At first, I thought it was going to be an absolute nightmare. What if I wake up, on whats meant to be a joyful day...feeling like I want to gauge my eyeballs out? (and not because of the stonking hangover I'm likely to have). I'm starting to feel my christmas spirit come to life. Which is good news.

It's been a weird few days - feeling a bit in limbo land. Have been waiting to hear back from the Mental Health Clinic where I am now living. Finally spoke to somebody else AGAIN. I'm losing count over how many different people I have now spoken to during the past however long and having countless notes written about me. Hurrah I'm a nutter! We know this :)

So I'm now trying to focus on a future. It's still small steps and the light at the end of my tunnel still seems a million miles away...but we know it's there, somewhere!

I've been doing everything I can to keep busy. My mood is changing slightly. There is still a dark cloud hovering above me, but I've put my umbrella up to hide from the storm. I'm trying. My brave face has been appearing alot. I've made the effort to put my war paint on..get dressed up and go out! It's lovely having old friends around, who accept me. It's strange though. I think sometimes, people see me...and think "what the hell are you on about Crisi, you look fine & are acting completely normal".
What people tend to forget though - is that it's taken alot of courage for me to go out. You don't see me putting my make up on and shaking in the mirror because I'm scared. You don't sit inside my brain and hear all my thoughts. I'm still a normal person. I can go out and have a good time. Rather than question my behaviour, just be thankful that you have probably seen me & caught me during a normal mood. I'm sure you would much rather that than see me at my worst. I guess that's what alot of people don't understand. When you have this...you can't control how you are going to be.

This brings me to something else. I don't want my blog to be used as a self-diagnosis programme.
I don't want people to read this and think....I have that/I do that.
It's not overly uncommon, but don't automatically assume.
It's taken years for me to get where I am today with diagnosis.
There's a difference between mood swings...and an illness.

Which then leads me too...

I really bloody hate fake people. You know when you can just tell someone is a complete and utter idiot.
I'm sorry. I don't like being rude. But my blog is still 'alittlefeisty' and something has really VERY MUCH annoyed me. I can't say what really. I wouldn't want to offend her. I'm probably just being harsh.
I just want to sit her down, shake her & tell her to get a grip. Yeah, I don't really know much about her life - but I don't bloody want to either. She is just one of those people that ANNOY THE SHIT OUT OF YOU.
I'm well aware, people may have these feelings towards me....but atleast I'm not a fake,orange,deluded wannabe.

I should probably now count to ten and breathe.



Tonight's mood is - well I can't put my finger on it. I'm in a 'wishy washy' mood. I feel like the slightest thing could tip me back into self-destruct mode. But at the same time, feel like I'm almost just drifting through the days with my feet on the ground but my head somewhere else. Like, my brain is often absent from my body.
It's an unwelcome feeling. But one I am learning to live with at the moment.

I am currently reading an amazing book.
 "BEATING BIPOLAR" by Blake LeVine.
"A therapists journey to overcoming one of the world's most challenging mental disorders"

I would like to share with you all a quote from the book.

"When I look back on my life prior to diagnosis , I can see my insecurities and mood swings clearly. I turned away from friends and alienated others. Even in the face of my 'successes', things were pretty difficult, especially for those who loved me. I never want to return to that place.
Each of us have a unique history and journey. We're all at different places in our lives...
I believe in my heart and gut that you're up to the task of mastering your illness. I trust that you're a wonderful human being who deserves to experience the very best in life."


I have thought of another step to happiness.

Love your friends.

Be thankful for them. Make the people who count feel loved. In life, we often drift away from people.
Make the effort. Make the time. Surround yourself with people who matter.
Friends will come and go, but true friends will never let you down.

x

Something good.

Good evening to all!

If I am completely honest - I don't really have much to blog about tonight. My mind state is still somewhat gloomy but what's new eh!? When I first started my blog, I wrote about everyday things. Things that annoyed me, frustrated me or made me look like total fool with my dodgy sense of humour . As life changed, once again, I then began to blog about things a little deeper - whilst this has been a great comfort to me & I have had such an amazing response - I feel maybe tonight I should bring a little laughter back into 'a little feisty' ... After all, I'm still a comedy genius. I am a feisty goddess of all things banter.

Wow pressure is on.

I shall set the scene. Picture this - two girls, best friends, filming a television programme around Europe. A wonderful eye-opening trip, jammed packed full of adventure and awesome experiences. 

I was one of those girls.

Now, here's the thing. Both of us enjoy a drink. I don't drink often, but when I do - I hate myself because I turn into a complete uncool loser. Funny thing is, this time - I didn't even drink my body weight in alcohol. Perhaps it was the tequila. So, it had been a long day of filming and we decided it was time to let our hair down. We were staying in a very grand hotel in Italy. The kind of hotel where it's probably not acceptable to wear Ugg Boots with shorts. Granted, wearing Ugg Boots with shorts is not a great look anyway - but it was comfy okay!? So, this hotel was beautiful. Lotions and potions in the luxury bathroom and a bedroom that looked like it had popped out from a magazine. We were lucky girls. 

After our meal, a few of us decided to order some drinks to the room. Bad idea.

Turns out we must have been a little loud 'planking' on the balcony -

 we had the lights switched out on us.

So after some drunken antics, I decided to sleep in the bath. I don't really remember resting my little head there, but have been told it was amusing. I love it when others laugh at your misfortune. ;)

Waking up with a headache, I suddenly remembered it was another day of filming. I had now got used to getting up early by this point, so I shook off the sicky hangover I had been blessed with and started to get ready. 

As most girls do - the night before, I decided taking my makeup off was too much of a chore. So of course, I woke up to a beautifully messy face. Out came the wipes.

Now being a women, I can multi-task.

Thumbs up!

So I wiped my poor face to death whilst gathering my things together for the day.

I finally bucked up the courage to look in the mirror and see the damage alcohol does to a face. I was expecting blood shots eyes, black bags and crusty lips. Check, check and check. 

I spotted some mascara that I had somehow managed to miss on my cheek bone. I figured I must have moved it from my eye - down my face with the wipes.

I scrubbed. I washed. I scrubbed more.

This was some tough makeup stainage going on.

I decided this was a 'two woman job' and resorted to going into the bedroom and asking my bestfriend to help.

She scrubbed. She washed. She scrubbed more.

Then, I was greeted with what can only be described as this....

or this

NOT GOOD.

What the hell has happened!?

Then these panicked, hurried words came out of my poor bestfriends mouth.

" IT'S A LOVEBITE.........last night, we thought it would be hilarious if I sucked your cheek"

......

Holy crap.

So there I was, in the middle of filming, stood in the poshest hotel I had ever been in...

looking classy as hell with a GIANT LOVEBITE ON MY FACE.

We resorted to laughing about it. It was the only thing we could do. But this was seriously terrible. It wasn't small either. It honestly looked like someone had punched me.... that or smeared poo on my cheek.

MAKEUP TO THE RESCUE.

This helped a little - but not enough.

Who the hell thinks it's a good idea to suck someone's cheek. 

"Hey, suck my cheek"

What a couple of absolute idiots.

This sort of thing happens to me on a regular basis. I am a walking punch line to a joke.

I am a joke - with legs.

I would post a picture of the evidence, but it didn't cross my mind to take a full blown close up of the mug shot - that is my face. I also managed to position myself for photo's after the event - in a way you couldn't see the horrific brown mark. 

What a nightmare :)

Well that amused me whilst writing it. It probably won't have the same affect on you.

Maybe it was one of those  'you had to be there' moments.

Maybe I'm not such a comedy genius.

..

Thankyou again to everyone who has been reading my blog & for all your lovely messages. 

I've been overwhelmed with support.

Love you all.

x

A dream come true.

Hello, it's been a while. Well - not too long. But long enough.
So,
I celebrated my 23rd birthday this weekend - Sunday to be exact.. It wasn't quite how I imagined. It was strange. I was incredibly happy to be with my family and felt truly loved by them the whole day. But, it was a day I wish I could have been happier on. It's just a birthday, I know - and as we get older birthdays do become less 'special'. You don't get that overwhelming bound of butterflies flying around in your tummy the night before and are not up as the sun rises to be greeted by presents. Don't get me wrong - I had presents & I am truly grateful to be such a lucky girl. It was just a weird day.
That aside, I did however have an amazing day on Saturday.Slightly bittersweet - but still inspiring to me.
Once upon a time, I fell head over heals for a singer. A gay singer. Will Young. Yes yes, I know - most of you won't understand the admiration I have for him, but it's an 11 year strong love & that is that. :)
Well, Mr Young is currently starring as the lead role in 'Cabaret' - in West End London. This is pretty big for me. As yet again, once upon a time - musical theatre played a huge part in my life - and is still held deep within my heart. On Saturday, I decided to pay a shit load of money to watch the show.

I cried.

I nearly died.

And I almost definitely nearly wet myself.
It was incredible. Not only seeing Mr Young right there, on stage, infront of me... but just being within the whole threatre atmosphere again was nothing other than perfect. I sat there, with tingles all over my body. A lump held tight in my throat... but this time, not a painful lump, not an 'about to burst into tears lump' - but a happy lump. I wanted to be on that stage. I wanted to feel the rush of excitement and nerves leap through my body again. I wanted to be blinded by the beaming lights and be covered head to toe in makeup & costume.
That was once my dream. To take my bow again and hear the applause.

Could things get better?


Yes.


I MET HIM. I met the person I had been wanting to meet for so long. Will Young.
To you, this may seem slightly bonkers. But to me, it was the best birthday present I have ever had.
I couldn't move. I couldn't talk. I had tears in my overly small eyes and it was very fast. But it happened.

I did manage to spew out some words & function semi-noramlly after a while. Unfortunately he goes for the 'no photos after shows' approach, but I did managed to get some dodgy ones. I got my autograph though. And that, I am happy with. He also wrote 'Who am I' for me. Which is my favourite song of his. This is also slightly mad - but that very writing I shall be having inked onto my body  to join my ever growing tattoo collection.

It's still not really sinking in - what with every other emotion I am feeling right now. But I know, soon....it will.


Never give up on your dream

This would be the next step. The next step to becoming happy within your own skin. Don't give up on something you once loved. Even when life has taken it's toll. Remember your dream. Even if it takes a while.
I am not the best person to say this, fact. I lost every hope in...well everything. I give up far too easily. But someday soon, I know - I will be happy & be doing something I love.

I know lots of you have been following my steps - so here's another. In your scrap books - create a page titled 'MY DREAM'. Again, go through magazines - or anything you can get your hands on....and create your dream on the page. Never give up. Have your bad days, cry your hearts out - but never give up.


:)


Thankyou again to everyone who sent me birthday messages/cards/texts. You are all so lovely.
Also, thankyou yet again to everyone who has been so supportive and for all your kind words about my blog. It's helping me, so if it's helping others out there too - it's just a bonus. Keep smiling.


I am now about to do something that makes me feel sick and just writing this is making me shake. It's taken a bit of convincing to do this & alot of 'should I, shouldn't I' moments. It's been years since I sung in public - well years since I've sung properly full stop. Excuse my nerves. I know it's not perfect. Words seem to be failing me now. So, I'll just do it....

I know I look like a sack of shit..and excuse the poor recording.

Night time wobble.

It's late night, and I can feel myself having a bit of a wobble. So I am going to write. This could work in two ways. It will either take my mind off the 'wobble' or it might make me wobble more. It might make me wobble more, because I am now going to write a list of all the things I think are good about myself. Not my life - like I've done before, but myself. Me, as a human being. This may make me wobble more, because I generally think I'm a good person. A good person who's putting up with an almighty bit of shit.
Excuse language. And please excuse my over-use of the word 'wobble' in the previous paragraph.

Despite today being a good(ish) mood day. It's always the nights where I feel like a sack loada crap.
It's laying here, in this bed. In this room, that is still painted bright pink from when I was younger. Don't get me wrong, back then - I thought it was the bees knees. But now, it's more of a distracting colour that reminds me of so many things. Staying up late to complete Alevel coursework. This room, is the one in which I grew up. The room where the reflection in the mirror changed ever so slightly everyday. It's the room that saw me pack my bags for University and the room that welcomed me home when I left shortly after. It's the room I said goodbye to when I moved out and made a life for myself years ago. It is now the room I have returned to, with all the memories of independence. It's a very strange feeling.

So yes, as I said before (not that I really feel like doing it now) but I will write a list. This list is coming from someone who is still accepting herself.

good things about me

1. I am kind. I am - I have my moments where I just want to punch a stranger because I don't like their face or general 'dickish' behaviour. But that's normal right?  I'm not a horrible person. I think alot of people would class themselves as 'kind'. Unless you're a complete douche. But take a step back and actually think....am I really kind? Maybe that's all it would take to make a happier brain. Be kind. I think sometimes, people can often have the wrong impression of me. I've always been told that when I was younger, I could just walk up to strangers and make friends. Now I find it a little harder. Now I find myself feeling a little 'standoff-ish' - it's not personal and it's never purposely done. It now takes a little longer for me to feel comfortable. Maybe we should all appreciate that some people take time to 'come out of their shell'. Take time to trust and take time to be themselves.  They aren't rude. Look deeper & see the kind person on the inside.

2. I am caring. Anyone who knows me will tell you so. Sometimes, I care too much...and I often care for people I don't even know. It can feel like more of a curse, than a positive, because I'll spend hours worrying about something that really isn't in my hands. I'll lay awake at night and think about an elderly man who struggled with his shopping bags earlier in the day. Are you the sort of person who would help that man?      I am.

3. I am loving. I have a huge heart. This clearly goes hand in hand with being caring & kind. At times, I feel I can come across extremely blunt. At times, I am a little harsh in the way I talk and handle things. I can often make the people I love most feel terrible. But I can safely say, I know I am loving.

4. Sometimes, I am pretty hilarious. Not going to lie. I'm quite the comedian. Laughing with me or at me. Atleast it's laughing. Laughing is one of the most important things in life. If it were possible, every day should contain a laugh. Perhaps this sometimes happens subconsciously. But I think, maybe, this should be a 'new years resolution' to all. A laugh a day! Then before we drift off to the land of nod - remember the laugh. Appreciate it.  

5. Okay now I'm struggling.

Think I'll leave it there for now. Not sure if it's helped me writing these. I think now, I'm just sat here feeling sorry for myself. NO! No, I'm honestly not. I'm just a little fed up! But like I've said alot to my mother recently  "the toughest things always happen to the best people, because they are the people who have been chosen, they are the people who can cope and in time, learn".  Even if it feels like the worse thing in the world - life is game and we are here to play it..and WIN. Nothing amazing will just fall into place without hard work & dedication - and if it does - hats off to you!


So earlier, I got my lovely mum to take some pictures of me - bare faced. Accept yourself for who you are. Look in the mirror and say " I am beautiful". I couldn't quite believe I publicly posted the pictures, but it's all part of my journey. A journey which can change route rapidly. Today I took a step further. Tomorrow, it might be a step back. Small steps, small steps...

Guess I best try & sleep now.

x

Good Afternoon.

Good Afternoon,

I honestly can't believe it's nearly Christmas again. The years are going so fast & I just can't seem to hold on to them. When I was young, it seemed to take forever for the leaves to fall off the trees. It seemed to take the longest time until the countdown to school holidays would begin. Now, within the blink of an eye - a year goes past. I look back and find it hard to believe that this time last year, I was in my final weeks of work & was getting ready to then spend the next four months in the French Alps. How things change.

I often feel like I don't appreciate everyday of my life. Which is why, perhaps.. it seems to go so fast. Sometimes, I believe it's important to just sit back and be thankful for everything you have. Take each day as   a blessing. See every new day as an opportunity. It's hard, I know, when you find yourself in a bottomless pit of sadness, it's such effort to crawl back out - but it can and will be done - in time. Even if it's just thinking it. Building up happy, strong thoughts in your head. Maybe not showing it on the outside, but knowing in your head and heart - you can do it. Even if a smile doesn't exist on your face yet. Small steps.

Today I can't really explain how I feel. I guess it's kind of numb. I think maybe, realisation and acceptance is starting to kick in...I'm not sure I can even find the words. I know I just need to get better & then I can focus on everything in full colour again... It's just tough. It's hard to have inspiration sometimes. You can write down as many positive things as you like. Spend hours working on loving yourself & loving your life. But there will always be the days, where you just want to sit in your pjs & stare into nothingness. Don't get me wrong - I am feeling much better... a 'much better' to me right now, is probably far from a 'much better' to most people - but it's a start. I have my perky moments & I can feel myself coming back to life slowly.
This is the longest a 'depressive episode' has lasted. I think it's due to many things - not all the illness..but everything impacting it. Soon though, I will be able to control my mood swings - this excites me.

x

Music.

Music always does something funny to me....

Maybe it will for you too

Listen to lyrics and stay strong

Here's some of my most favourite songs in the world. 

"Music expresses that which cannot be put into words and cannot remain silent"

x

x

It continues...

Hello world, it's been a weekend without blogging. Now I've sat down, snuggled in my dressing gown at two in the afternoon - and seem a little lost for words. I kept myself busy this weekend and besides the constant crying lump that has nestled itself under a duvet in my throat - I did have a nice few days. I absolutely loved using my new Nikon & truly believe it gave me something to focus on during this stupid mind-numbing 'depressive episode'.

I can gradually feel myself coming out of it - which is good. It's been nearly two weeks now since I've been home. Nothing really feels much easier and positive moments still lapse back into lost hopeless tears - but I can now finally see... it won't be like this forever. At first, I couldn't see any future for myself. I hated the way I looked, I was ashamed of feeling the way I do & I felt like the biggest failure in the world. Now though, even though those horrid thoughts seem to be engraved into my brain, I do have some hope.

Today, I saw one of the most amazing doctors. He actually seemed to genuinely care about my welfare & treatment. He sat there, at his big brown desk - and even through the wet mess pouring out my eyes, he made me feel at ease. He assured me that my treatment would be underway as fast as possible and the move from Yorkshire to Kent will not slow anything down. The sooner, the better - as the saying goes. I would really love to just get on with my life. It's hard to focus on a future when your life has been turned upside and shaken about. It's hard to focus on anything at all. But it's the small baby steps we take, that make us grow.

So it's my birthday on Sunday. It's crazy to think this time about a month ago I was so excited about it. Now, I would just rather I didn't have a birthday at all. I know that seems completely and utterly silly. It's just when you look forward to something so much, because you know it's going to be special - then HELLO suddenly everything changes. You would then rather go without celebrating,  because it's going to be far from what you imagined. Sometimes, life is just a pure bastard.

Sorry this is short, rubbish and un- inspirational blog. My minds not on the job today.
Maybe later...
x

Inspirational?

I really do just want to say a massive thankyou (again) for everyone's beautiful and kind messages. Saying my blog is 'inspirational' is truly something amazing for me to hear, so thankyou. I never intended it to be that way. For me, it was just a way of release. A way to come to terms with life throwing lemons at me. I didn't really expect anybody to read it. It was more like an online diary - that people might stumble upon and if so, could read it! It's given me great comfort knowing that it's given alot of people something to smile about.
I shall never forget all your lovely words and shall remember them in my hours of darkness. Even when it's a day that is best forgotten - recieving compliments always makes me smile.  I guess many people still can't get their heads around me blogging about something so personal and perhaps think I was seeking some sort of attention or wanting pity. I'm afraid to let you down folks...but that's far from the truth. I was told to only blog about something worthwhile - or it won't ever mean anything. This is my life. What could mean more?
I wouldn't wish this on anyone...what my brain does & at my lowest I do feel sorry for myself, because quite frankly it sucks! But atleast I'm bloody doing something about it & turning it into something positive with a blog that is helping others. Writing gets be through the days... and I'd much rather be striping myself bare for the world to read - than bottling it up to the point of self-combustion like I've done in the past. Councillors & therapists listen yes,... but to anyone who has ever been to a session - you'll know how utterly SHIT it is.

Tomorrow I am going to London with my beautiful family. My sister is currently at Uni there and we are all off to see her. My sister, is possibly the most stunning little shit you have ever met. We drive eachother crazy and annoy eachother to death but are without a doubt the best of friends. We are very different but love eachother with all our hearts. Well, I hope so Emma!? She is my baby and my pride just grows more & more everyday for her. I dislike her though when she chases me. She is pretty damn scary sometimes. Love you Miff, can't wait for 'togetherness' tomorrow.

I am very excited to use my new camera tomorrow! I believe we all need a passion - an outlet. Something to escape to, when ordinary life begins to take it's toll. Everyone must have something. Whether it's photography, playing an instrument or riding a bike! We must do something in which we truly enjoy in life..to be happy. 

So this is the next step in 'falling in love with yourself'' .... find a hobby!

If you already have one - be thankful, throw yourself into it whenever you can. Enjoy it and be proud to have found something you have so much passion for. Try new things, take risks, learn. 

There's never a limit to the amount of creative outlets you can have! Keep exploring!

Once you've found something you love... you'll soon start accepting that you are WONDERFUL.

Not only will it take your mind off everyday stresses & worries - it will bring out your beautiful personality. It will bring stability and positive thoughts.

Sometimes it can be hard to actually find the motivation to do something and stick at it. Just do your best. Take your time. Even if it's been a day from hell - just think about. Even if you think about it for months and months, tell yourself...that one day you WILL.

Begin to overcome a feeling of 'worthlessness' - become amazing in your own right!

Not a manic moment.

So today, I bought myself this. 

 

I am now lacking in funds - but this is normal. 

May I add this was not a manic moment. This was a Crisi 'fuck it, I'm just going to do it' kind of moment!

Excuse my language. 

I figured, I may aswell just buy it - after wanting one for so long now.

I can now start my online photography course, whilst I am unfortunately unable to work. 

SO, today has been a better day. A better day in my books anyway. Though I am still feeling pretty bitter about my birthday next week. If only it could have been my 'special day' when all was well. Guess it's just another thing I have to accept.

 I'm starting to look forward now. I'm starting to realise, I'm still young & even though I've had my fair share of set backs, I CAN move forward and I can take control & be happy. Of course, suddenly - BAM I'll suddenly feel overwhelmed with sadness and hopelessness.... but there will always be a better day for every bad one I have. 

Dinners ready...

Maybe I'll be back later!

x   

wish list.

Would just like to say a massive thankyou to everyone who has been reading my blog. It is becoming a great comfort to me and keeping my dormant brain somewhat active. I feel very humbled and proud to think my little blog is helping others. All the people from forums, who have been viewing - thankyou. x

Tonight has been bad night. Not necessarily because of what's going on in my brain right now.. or because I was having a low for no reason at all...there was a reason, I know the reason and the reason sucks. And, because mentally things aren't quite right at the moment, it just makes everything seem completely and utterly worse. I couldn't face sleeping in my old room at my parents again tonight. As much as I love my home comforts and being around the ones who love me most - the room was driving me crazy. It's the room I've been in since I was young...and coming back here, under these circumstances, sleeping in that bed - makes me so very sad. I know that will go in time, but for now - it's the way it is. Don't get me wrong. There is no better place in the world for me to be right now... but once you've had your own independence and lived away from home - coming back can often be a little tricky. Home IS a loving place. Home IS a loyal place. Home IS a happy place, but no matter how much love you are surrounded by - you can still feel incredibly lonely.

So instead of being in my room. I have made a lovely comfy bed for myself on one of the sofas downstairs. Unfortunately, I haven't been getting to sleep at night because my brain becomes absorbed with all things sad. So tonight, it's been recommended that I don't sleep...stay awake all day tomorrow, then hit the sack at a certain time and sleep tomorrow night. I guess it makes sense. It might sort my silly body clock out. I understand that people diagnosed with bipolar have to try and set 'bedtimes' and 'wakeup times' ...to help with everything. I will try and do this at some point. Promise!

My dearest mum, my best friend, my rock - has been amazing. I couldn't possibly look ahead if it wasn't for her. To anyone suffering.... let your family in, let them help and let them listen. Don't bottle it up. Never feel ashamed of who you are and how you are feeling. I am a complete hypocrite saying that... but I am learning.

So, something new to do.
This is to keep our dreams alive and futures full of positivity.

Write a wish list. This isn't some morbid 'bucket list' of things to do before you die, just to clear things up.

Yes, it's similar. But this is a wish list of the little & BIG things you want in life. From material to sentimental.
This is wish list to give you a focus and some determination.

Here's a few of mine;

Crisi's Wish List (not in any particular order)

1. Own a nice house, which is designed and styled exactly how I what it. A house full of creativity, family and fun. With a garden overwhelmed by pretty flowers and a well-loved tree swing in its rightful place. A hammock gently relaxing in the corner and a home - made tree house for my children.

2. Have a book published....once I start writing it.

3. Own a sausage dog (dachshund). My favourite dog breed. This little guy will rock my world.

4. Go to Africa and see giraffes in their natural home.

5. Raise lots of money for a charity close to my heart.

6. Own a performing arts club/school/academy for children.

7.Have babies and be an amazing mummy. 

8. Go back to the french alps for a chalet holiday.

9. Learn how to play the piano.

10. Consider myself to be a could cook.

11. Throw myself into lots of volunteer work when possible.

12. Be hired as a professional photographer.

13. Meet Will Young. Yes, I know to you..the reader, this may seem a tad strange and a little sad. But for me, someone who has admired him for over ten years. To meet him would be insane. I would definitely need someone to translate my unrecognisable emotional face noise that comes out of my mouth if this were to ever happen. AND catch me if I faint...which is likely. 

14. Rekindle my love with Michael McInytre. 

15. Visit New York. I've never actually had the erge to go. But recently, I've decided...seeing and exploring the world is a good thing. 

16. Visit Machu Picchu and open my eyes to something truly amazing.

17. Start driving again.

18. To be comfortable and happy in my own skin. Live my life for me :)

x

the good things.

Today I woke up and wasn't really too sure how I felt. I guess, it was just numb. I still have all my mixed feelings and frustrations stuck, glued and molded to my brain. I still don't feel myself. My heart is aching & my concentration levels on anything other than my laptop are beyond low. I find myself having staring competitions with the copious amounts of soft toys in my room. I wonder if they come to life once I leave the room...and talk about how much I am scaring them with my constant eye contact. To me, it's a daydream..a zombie stare of nothingness... but to my poor teddies, it must quite terrifying. I am aware I am nearly 23 and still have childish things, but my Mary Poppins doll is definitely cool.

It's a weird day. We are currently waiting for a phone call from my councillor up north - who will be transferring everything 'medical wise' down south. We are all praying the process doesn't take too long. The sooner the better. I can then start focusing on starting a new, happier life.

In a previous post, I blogged about a diary I was making, to help with everything. I hope those of you reading my blog who are going through similar things found this helpful. So, after all the compliment and 'nice things people say' about you pages... here is the next step.

Title the page - Good things about my life.
I think the rest is self explanatory....
Here is mine;

1. My family.
I have the most amazing family and am so lucky to be surrounded with support. Each and every person has unconditional love for me. Through all my crazy decisions and my lowest moments, they stand by me.

2. The other people who love me.
This is slightly vague, I know. People come & go and friends change...and even though I often feel alone..deep down I know, I am loved.

3. My health.

Granted, my mental health may be a little wonky right now. But physically - I am fine!

SO since doing my blog, we have heard from my councillor...and it looks like the process will take even longer now. I am angry and upset. Yet again, I will have to sit infront of more doctors. I came down south to get better, now it's just more complicated & more crap for me to go through. As much as I want to be strong, this just feels like another set back right now. I will get through this. No-matter how long it takes. I want my life back.

Carrying on with Good things about my life;

4. My memories

Sometimes, the best memories are the ones that make you sad - because that's all they are, a memory. Change has kicked you in the shins and turned everything you once loved into something of the past. But I am now learning to grow from my memories. Hold them dear in my heart and be thankful that they happened at all. Then, in turn, we can make new ones.

Obviously, some memories are kept personal to me...

and have no reason to be shown publicly in pictures :)

5. My creativity.

I thank the stars above that I was lucky enough to be born with a creative mind. Life would be so boring without a creative mess of music,painting,writing and imagination. 

6. My future.

It will be positive and successful. Jam packed with smiles,laughter,love and happiness.  

x