Halloween!

Hello world & happy halloween! :) ...did this because I was bored & I'm odd.

It's true, I've been lacking in my blogs and letting the side down - I apologise for this!

So it's halloween and tonight I shall probably scare myself shitless watching a low-budget american horror movie. I don't know why I put myself through it. I like to think I love scary stuff, but it soon becomes apparent - I am the biggest pansy in the world. I man myself up before...then spend the whole film with my hands covering my eyes. I just don't like it when something makes me jump - that's understandable right?
It's when the film is over that the fear kicks in. I lay there, in bed, having my own mini-competition with myself to see how long it takes me to turn the light on!

I lay there. Start sweating then realise I can't actually breathe because my head is so buried into the duvet covering it. I make a little hole - so I don't suffocate myself and breath as quiet as possible so the devil doesn't know where I'm hiding. I make up stories in my head. It gets to the point where I'm almost 100% certain Bloody Mary and The Candy Man are standing at the foot of my bed. I work up the courage to stick out my sweaty hand and try to find my bedside lamp switch as fast as friggin' possible. This moment in time is a risky one. It has the potential to end in tears. My hand could get chopped off. Or eaten by the Boogie Man. I think I'd be pretty tasty to be fair - who would blame him!

The minute the light is on...all is well. Just a sweaty bed and hair stuck to my sticky forehead. Delightful!

I miss being younger, when my mum would throw amazing halloween parties and make her traditional 'Spider Bread'. I had the best childhood and halloween was no exception. Our dining room would be turned into a witches lair - with binbags hung from the ceiling with cobwebs everywhere. A sign would be hung up on the door saying 'enter at your own risk' - which we did in style! I was often a witch. I always remember thinking I looked bloody cool. I probably looked like a twat. One year, we walked in and my mum had dressed my grandmother up as a witch and plonked her in the corner. I'm pretty sure it made some of my friends cry. Cruel, cruel family! Brilliant though!

It's funny how things change. When you're younger, you wear as many layers as possible to make your costumes look authentic and better than all your friends. Then as you get older - they all fall off, until you go out clubbing dressed up as a half-dead slut. It's true. Halloween is now an excuse to look like a slag for the night. But it's okay though - you know - if you put blood on your neck and draw dark circles round your eyes.

Not guna lie, I've done it. To be fair, it wasn't that bad. I was a cat. I wore black tights too - which instantly makes me less prostitute looking. I'm really not getting at anyone by the way. It's just the way it is! To be fair, you probably would look pretty stupid dancing away wrapped in toilet roll.

Well, that's me over and out for another night!
But before I go - I just want to thank everyone for reading! I'm getting lots of views from all over the world which makes me smile!

Also wanted to say HI to all my lovely work friends who are THE BEES KNEES.

Have a good night all! Hope the ghouls don't get you - but if they do - sucks to be you.

x

Wanting to punch a stranger...

I'm feeling pretty full up right now. Fact.

I've eaten to the point of self combustion, so if no-one hears from me tomorrow - you know it's the chicken, roast potatoes and a cheeky conetto that did it. I have a food baby growing inside me. If I make it through the night, I'll definitely be having a fat day tomorrow. 

I also ate asparagus. It's true, it makes your wee smell. It's been confirmed. Just to assure people, I don't stick my head between my legs whilst on the loo trying to get the veggie aroma. It's that potent, you can just smell it. This also happens with sugar puffs. I've yet to find another food source that leads to stinky urine,but if anyone knows of any - inform me.

Recently, I've been having a Harry Potter marathon. I love that kid. I've been thinking of carving my halloween pumpkin into the wizard himself. It may end up looking like 'Wheres Wally' with a dodgy line on his forehead though. I'll give it a miss and go with the original wide eyed & stitched up mouth look instead. 

Harry Potter is a cool fella though. If only all us 'muggles' could appreciate his awesomeness. Pretty sure I've got the hots for Voldemort too. He does need a manicure and sunbed, but I'm 100% certain I'd look good on his arm. I think it's his power. Minus the need to kill, I reckon he's the Simon Cowell of the wizarding world. Power, bad dress sense, feared by most, intent on making himself look good...

I've also done that awful thing today. We've all done it. It doesn't happen very often - unless you're a complete prick. It's that terrible habit of wanting to punch a complete stranger. It may not even be a stranger. Someone on tv or in the public eye. That you do not know and will never know but you hate them. ALOT.

I do feel terrible for feeling this way sometimes. They haven't necessarily done anything wrong. I am very much against judging people before I know them and tend to love anyone and everyone. But shit the bed, I get angry. It's no-one I know personally. Before anyone panics. He's on the tele! AND I WANT POKE HIM IN THE EYE. I'm sure he is nice...under all the bullshit. (Excuse my language family members)

I reckon most people have felt this way at some point. It happens. People probably think it about me. That's fine. I don't like you either ;)

I thought I'd finish with another amusing story. Well, it's not really a story - more of 'happening'.

A long time ago, when I was younger, I swallowed two pieces of Hubba Bubba. It's bubble gum for those who aren't 'down with the kids'! It was a pretty horrific moment in time. I honestly thought I was going to die. I slept sitting up straight for about year, in fear of my airways blocking up. Turns out - I was fine. 

Well, this left me with a complex about choking on things. Especially - when I'm asleep. Touch wood, this hasn't happened for a while now. But a few years ago, I went through a phase of thinking I had swallowed things whilst sleeping. Don't laugh, this is traumatic. I'd wake up in the night and be absolutely certain that I had swallowed my mobile phone. It would take about half an hour for me to realise - as big as my mouth is.. I wouldn't be able to do that - false alarm - go back to sleep you actual idiot! It happened with all sorts - hair bands, hair clips... I have even woken up thinking I had eaten my watch and that my stomach was ticking like the crocodile in Peter Pan. It's true. I have issues. It got to the point where I would have to hide everything on my bedside table, so I would know I haven't picked anything up and gobbled it away. I was reassured by the fact that all that was left was my lamp. I would definitely know if I had swallowed that beast! Waking up to a big 'lamp - shaped' tummy with a light shining out of my belly button. I'd be a new member of the teletubbies 'chokey wokey'. 

On that note. I'm off to put my pajamas on. 

Thanks again to everyone reading my blog, appreciate all these views!

x

Oversized hats...

Bonjour all!

So last night I switched off all technology and gave the rest of my blog a miss. I must have been deeply missed and I apologise ;)

I did have more to say yesterday, but now I have something far more important. Seriously important.
Be warned this is no bedtime reading. This is traumatic shit happening right now.

Over-sized hats.

What is happening to earth? Someone rescue me from the outrageous pandemic hitting the world.
Don't get me wrong. If you've got it...flaunt it. But today, I swear I thought Guy Fawkes had been resurrected from the dead. This was no ordinary bonnet. This was a boat with a chimney on top. I expect this of some rich earl about to set off on a fox hunt, but not a young woman shopping in town. It was beige.

I didn't want to laugh. I felt rude. But I'm someone who can't hide their emotions very well. I knew I wasn't the only one who had a giggle at the walking chimney.

This, by the way, is coming from someone who owns one of those annoying comical hats that resembles an animal. Thing is, I know I look like a TWAT. I like it. It's a hat designed to make you look like a five-year old fool. That is genius. But, this concoction I saw today was clearly meant to be fashionable. I think not. Unless it's bonfire night...of course!

 Rant over.

Back to Saturday night tv and crap load of chocolate.

x

Just a quickie!

Hello!

Well I've just got in from work, made myself a cup of tea (with far too much sugar) and debated whether or not to put the clean washing away. I decided against it. So now the ever-growing pile is just staring at me and will continue to do so until I give in to it's annoying needs. I've recently become alot less into cleaning. Not long ago, I'd be sat on the toilet and spot some dust. So there i'd be doing the business and cleaning. Now atleast one day a week I decide to become a disney princess, where the washing is done, everything sparkles and birds come to my window and sing....today is not that day.

Last night, I had a terrible nights sleep. This is normal for me.
I went into work in a fowl mood and it remained that way until a dear friend started 'foot dancing'. It's definitely the way forward. If you are ever feeling low... get someone to stand up straight, and just dance..with one foot. It's highly entertaining and I recommend it to anyone.

I don't think anyone will quite understand, or even care, about what I'm about to say next. It's not overly pleasant but it's life. I get itchy armpits. Like, seriously itchy...and today was no exception. It just sucks, because I reckon people think I'm some weird breed of monkey. Monkeywoman! It's like the time I had an itchy tongue. What the hell was that all about? I think I'm just an itchy person. Luckily I have no problems...down there, AHHH why am I even saying that!? People get itchy. Hurrah. I've heard...when you have an itch, you should slap it instead of scratching. Though I don't think that would go down to well at work. Me, just standing there..casually slapping my pits. Such a lady.

I do have more I want to talk about. But right now, I'm hungry.
Ciao for now.

Thanks again to everyone who has read this! Getting lots of views - keep them coming!

x

When I thought I was a cat...

Good evening all!
So, not much has happened today - except this very exciting update - I managed to shave my legs without stepping out the shower and looking like an extra from a zombie movie. I feel something has been accomplished. Thrilling I know!

Something has annoyed me though & this isn't recent - it's an ongoing hate. I'm not being bitchy either, it's just one of those things where you feel like grating yourself with a cheese grater because you are fed up of seeing it! Girls on facebook who post pictures of themselves clearly posing and trying their best to get away with the ''i've just been tangoed and hit with lorry load of mascara'' look. I mean, yeah that's fine...if that's what you want to do. I'm not against it. But those who do it, then get comments like 'oh you are so pretty'.. to which they comment back to saying 'thanks but i'm not' YOU OBVIOUSLY THINK YOU LOOK GOOD, or why would you make all the effort to put on your favourite 'popular looking' clothes, fix in your hair extensions and paint the shit out of your face. You don't look like that in real life.

Same goes for people uploading files of them singing to social networking sites. You get a compliment? Except it. You don't think your crap, you think you are the next freakin' superstar. If you honestly thought you sounded like a cat, you wouldn't post it for the world to see. In all honestly, you probably are terrible. But you can't help that.

Now on a lighter note. I'd like you tell you all about the time I thought I was a cat. Seriously.

So it was in the evening and I'd just finished an epic session of shaving my legs (doesn't happen very often) in the bath. Got out, shriveled as a shrimp... moisturised  - because I do girly things somethings... and put on very little clothing.i.e. hotpants and vest top. I was shortly going to be getting into bed, I'm not a slut.

I had to nip downstairs to get my kittens in from the garden..as it was getting late and I didn't have a cat flap!
So I open the back door and my kittens do that weird ninja thing that cats do. You know.. you make them jump slightly and they have a sort of freeze panic position? Arch their back and stare the crap out of you. Well yeah, they did that. Now this back garden was small, very small.. and was used like a front garden. If that makes sense? Low walls and shortish back gate, where if people walk past...you say hello.

At the same time my ninja cats were freaking out and doubling their body size, a man walked past the back gate. I'm standing there, nearly naked to the world...and instead of running away from the dude looking at me...what to I do? I tense up and freeze like a pissing cat. That's right. I took on my cats persona, stood there, arms bent, back arched...and just stared at him. LIKE A FREAK.

He took it on the chin and was pretty cool about it. Stared for a while then realised I must have been on day release from the local mental institute. I was horrified.

Think I'll leave it there!

Thanks to you all who have checked out my page!

Crisi

Let me begin...

May I start by saying this is a brand spanking new laptop I am currently typing on - thanks to a very kind and rather handsome individual! Hurrah! And it is now that I have finally decided to start writing a blog. For the following reasons;

1. I have too much free time on my very little hands.

2. I have quite an amusing time in my brain - which would be funny to share.

3. I have 'small man' syndrome, even though I'm a woman - which allows me to unload sarcasm and banter on to everything, to make up for my lack in height.

4. I'm either up or down, no in-between ; it's a curse I've learn't to live with, but would make a good varied read!

I intend to 'blog' about everyday things. From ninja squirrels, to hiding myself in wardrobes. Things that happen daily, which either make my blood boil or leave me in stitches. I may swear.

It's likely, I'll blog for a while until my genius is discovered. But atleast it gives me something to do in-between putting plasters on my shower shaving cuts and working.

It's 22.14 - which is late for me, because I'm nearly 23. So this is my first blog over. It's been poor I know and I am hesitant to swear incase my grandparents read this. 

I'm now going to take my makeup of using face wipes that irritate my skin, but I still insist on buying the same ones. Then I will climb in my bed and lie awake for hours BECAUSE I'M INCAPABLE OF SLEEPING.

S'latersssss

Crisi