Time to get better.

I know it's been a while since my last post, and I'm afraid this one is a little more serious than most.
I have always been completely against people posting too much information about their lives on these kind of things and generally have never felt the need to let people in. But I guess if it allows others to get their feelings across, maybe it could help me. I am extremely hesitant about doing this and unraveling myself for the world to see, but writing is one of the things I love to do most...and perhaps if it so happens to fall into the right hands, it could help others too. Let me make it clear, that I am not after sympathy. This is all coming from someone who keeps things to themselves. Who finds it hard to talk about thoughts and feelings. This is coming from someone who finds it a struggle talking to those closest to me. This is to simply help. I made a promise that I would accept who I am and not to be ashamed of anything. I made a promise that I would not allow anything or anyone to bring me down. I've never wanted to talk about it, but I know I must not hide from the world because...hiding never helps. I know alot of you will think - 'well what the hell is she doing posting all this on here for'. But that is my decision. If you don't like it, don't read it. This is part of me accepting who I am for the first time and if it doesn't float your boat - it's no skin off my nose!

The past few years have been ones full of ups & downs. Not just the kind of 'ups and downs' everyone can see either. Ups and downs personal to me. Ups and downs that can often be mistaken for just being 'moody'.Ups and downs from one extreme to the other, but always trying to be hidden from the rest of the world. I used to think it was just part of my personality. It soon became clear it was something out of my control. It was something I couldn't keep to myself any longer. It had an effect on everything. Although, sometimes things would seem normal - calm even, it was only a matter of time before another whirlwind would start. Sometimes I would go for months, feeling just fine. Then suddenly, there it is again. Up, then down.

I've lost count of the amount of times I've sat in waiting rooms. Sat there, struggling to figure out what to say. Struggling not to cry and think so little of myself. Struggling not to think I'm a freak. I've lost count of the amount of times I've had sweaty palms sat in an unfamiliar room and been offered a tissue to dry my tears.

But now, finally - it's being sorted. It's taken a while to get on the right track but things are now moving in the right direction. I don't like using the word. The medical term. Before, I just used to associate it with an annoying blonde television personality who used to be in a girl band & then moved her career forward to Iceland adverts. But like my mother says, many famous creative people have 'it' and it's nothing to be ashamed of.

I don't think I am ashamed. I am just frustrated. I'm frustrated it has to impact my life. I'm frustrated it takes it's toll on those I care most about in the world. It's not just me who suffers, it's those who have to pick up the pieces and put me back together again that really suffer. I'm learning to let people in and I'm learning to talk. I cannot thank those enough who love me unconditionally.

This week has been so hard...and as much as I try to 'put on a brave face' - I cannot deny how tough it has been.

In the space of a few days, yet again - everything's turned upside down (in my head anyway). I wish I could click my fingers and everything would go back to how it was. But things aren't that easy. Steps have to be made in order for things to get better, even if it feels like you're taking a step back. I know I am in the right place to be looked after and loved by my wonderful family. But, I really was doing so well. I am not defeated. I will not let this beat me and as much as I feel like crawling under a rock right now, I will get stronger and I will get better.

x