So, I've been keeping myself busy the past few days. I'm starting to come round to the idea of Christmas now. At first, I thought it was going to be an absolute nightmare. What if I wake up, on whats meant to be a joyful day...feeling like I want to gauge my eyeballs out? (and not because of the stonking hangover I'm likely to have). I'm starting to feel my christmas spirit come to life. Which is good news.
It's been a weird few days - feeling a bit in limbo land. Have been waiting to hear back from the Mental Health Clinic where I am now living. Finally spoke to somebody else AGAIN. I'm losing count over how many different people I have now spoken to during the past however long and having countless notes written about me. Hurrah I'm a nutter! We know this :)
So I'm now trying to focus on a future. It's still small steps and the light at the end of my tunnel still seems a million miles away...but we know it's there, somewhere!
I've been doing everything I can to keep busy. My mood is changing slightly. There is still a dark cloud hovering above me, but I've put my umbrella up to hide from the storm. I'm trying. My brave face has been appearing alot. I've made the effort to put my war paint on..get dressed up and go out! It's lovely having old friends around, who accept me. It's strange though. I think sometimes, people see me...and think "what the hell are you on about Crisi, you look fine & are acting completely normal".
What people tend to forget though - is that it's taken alot of courage for me to go out. You don't see me putting my make up on and shaking in the mirror because I'm scared. You don't sit inside my brain and hear all my thoughts. I'm still a normal person. I can go out and have a good time. Rather than question my behaviour, just be thankful that you have probably seen me & caught me during a normal mood. I'm sure you would much rather that than see me at my worst. I guess that's what alot of people don't understand. When you have this...you can't control how you are going to be.
This brings me to something else. I don't want my blog to be used as a self-diagnosis programme.
I don't want people to read this and think....I have that/I do that.
It's not overly uncommon, but don't automatically assume.
It's taken years for me to get where I am today with diagnosis.
There's a difference between mood swings...and an illness.
Which then leads me too...
I really bloody hate fake people. You know when you can just tell someone is a complete and utter idiot.
I'm sorry. I don't like being rude. But my blog is still 'alittlefeisty' and something has really VERY MUCH annoyed me. I can't say what really. I wouldn't want to offend her. I'm probably just being harsh.
I just want to sit her down, shake her & tell her to get a grip. Yeah, I don't really know much about her life - but I don't bloody want to either. She is just one of those people that ANNOY THE SHIT OUT OF YOU.
I'm well aware, people may have these feelings towards me....but atleast I'm not a fake,orange,deluded wannabe.
I should probably now count to ten and breathe.
Tonight's mood is - well I can't put my finger on it. I'm in a 'wishy washy' mood. I feel like the slightest thing could tip me back into self-destruct mode. But at the same time, feel like I'm almost just drifting through the days with my feet on the ground but my head somewhere else. Like, my brain is often absent from my body.
It's an unwelcome feeling. But one I am learning to live with at the moment.
I am currently reading an amazing book.
"BEATING BIPOLAR" by Blake LeVine.
"A therapists journey to overcoming one of the world's most challenging mental disorders"
I would like to share with you all a quote from the book.
"When I look back on my life prior to diagnosis , I can see my insecurities and mood swings clearly. I turned away from friends and alienated others. Even in the face of my 'successes', things were pretty difficult, especially for those who loved me. I never want to return to that place.
Each of us have a unique history and journey. We're all at different places in our lives...
I believe in my heart and gut that you're up to the task of mastering your illness. I trust that you're a wonderful human being who deserves to experience the very best in life."
I have thought of another step to happiness.
Love your friends.
Be thankful for them. Make the people who count feel loved. In life, we often drift away from people.
Make the effort. Make the time. Surround yourself with people who matter.
Friends will come and go, but true friends will never let you down.
x
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